I'm sorry that you felt judged by the police. The person did say "from the little they know" and it's true that they don't know the full situation and what went on and how you were feeling etc. They will be looking at it in a kind of clinical and detached way with minimal info. I don't think you did the wrong thing by making the report, it was rape and it would still have been rape if you hadn't reported it but if you hadn't reported it then there would have been a bigger possibility that he would get away with it. We hear you, it's sad that you feel like some other people aren't hearing you.
I'm glad you're getting some good support from your CPN etc, hold on to that.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My mum told me not to let the police come over as we live on a private road with only two neighbours so she doesn't want the police there incase the neighbours get curious. So, I have to travel to the city I suppose in which it happened in. I don't want to step foot in there, I promised I wouldn't when I left uni.
My mum is making strange and uncomfortable remarks about me and my dad. She tells me he's my dad and she is his wife. That it's her house that she bought with her husband. Does she really think I'm trying to steal him away from her? Because that's fucking sick. She doesn't like that in closer to him than her? She's a controlling woman, she has to have things a certain way, if I don't abide by that she calls me a cunt or twat. I'm not allowed to cook for myself, I'm only allowed to shower is she allows it. I'm not to leave the house. She shouted at me because I fell asleep during the day without the alarm on. I guess I get my issues from her.
No, there isn't. Only my mum and sister know I reported it and my sister made me feel so much worse as she said what if the guy just wanted a relationship, and basically how could I put an innocent man through that. Mum just does not want the police at home and when I told her the policeman said there may not be a case she said "see". I don't have anyone.
My CPN said my home life is toxic, and seeing as all my plans to move failed, she going to get me into supported housing. I feel as that would be a step backwards but I can't live here any longer.
It just goes back to the assault. I struggled to handle my emotions before the assault so now it's like a hundred times worse. My self harm is getting so much worse.
My main objective is to disfigue myself so no person will find me attractive
If I'm free when you have to go, I'd be happy to go with you if it would help. And it's not the same I know, but you can always message me or whatever.
I'm sorry that your family aren't more supportive with this. It's such a difficult thing to deal with, and more so when you feel so alone with it.
I don't think supported housing would be a step back, it could be a really positive move that would let you live independently away from your family with the support you need at the moment. I'm glad your cpn is going to help you with that.
Xx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
It's alright, Hannah. I can't let you do that. I'll go, I'm sure it'll be fine and who knows, I'm assuming I have to travel there because that's where it happened but maybe I can just go to the local station. I might call on Monday and ask.
It's just I've been to someone's supported house before and it was nice but very controlled, I get that at home, I don't know if I can follow even more rules.
I'm glad that you'll be meeting him at the CMHT office instead and that you'll have someone with you. I know it'll still be really difficult though and I'll be thinking of you. I hope it goes as well as is possible.
I don't know how much DBT you have done but are there skills you could try and use to minimise your self harm?
That sounds positive; what's next in the process of potentially going there? Even if supported housing has rules, I imagine they're all reasonable rules, which will hopefully be easier to follow than the rules and control that are in place at your home.
I've completed one module on interpersonal effectiveness, I've just started emotion regulation. I know some skills and implemented them but I have not been using them for 2 months, so suppose that's that's why everything's gone to shit.
CPN called them today and asked what the process is, there's not many that are suitable for me because of age restrictions; I'm either too old or too young. She's found another one to enquire about.
I hope you do manage to take the antibiotics. I know it can be difficult, is there anything that might make it easier?
Do you think you could try to start using the DBT skills again? Maybe try to find one thing that would be manageable and work on that.
I hope your CPN manages to find some suitable accommodation for you. I really think it could be a good move.
How are you doing at the moment?
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I can't take the antibiotics. I need to atone for something vile that I have done. I can't self harm so I need the wounds to get worse so I can be punished for what I have done.
I've done something horrible, such vile thoughts, Hannah. I can't sleep and I won't sleep because I have to be punished. Oh god what have I done.
I'll move out and get what I deserve.
I'm sorry.
I can't go to the police, what the fuck did you do Mary
Would it help to talk about what you've done that you're feeling so bad about? Either here or message me if that's easier.
I don't think you deserve to be punished, for what it's worth. I think that you're struggling an awful lot, understandably, and you deserve to be treated and to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Even if you had done something "bad" I would still absolutely believe that.
It's okay to not speak to the police any further if you really can't. Your health has to come first. But you took a huge, incredibly brave step in reporting what happened and I wonder if meeting with the police could be helpful regardless of the outcome - at least you'll know that you've done what you can. Hopefully having your CPN there will make it a tiny bit easier. Whatever if best for you is fine. But if this is what you want to do, you absolutely can do it.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
