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Old 02-07-2015, 05:54 PM   #1
MissSunshine
 
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Life Problem/Scared/Depressed

**I know this looks long, but please if you can give me some of your time, you can make a difference.

I have never really opened up to anyone about my life problem. It's starting to pull me under, so I am reaching out for advice. I will give a history and state what I believe my life problem is:

My mom was controlling and strict growing up. My dad always followed behind her. I once came to my mom with a problem and she was abusive. I never came to her again, but she was emotionally abusive and I felt like I could not go to my dad, since he was always just following behind my mom(as he once told me later on in life when he figured out I was right in an argument with my mom,"this is the woman I am going to be spending the rest of my life with" after choosing my mom). I felt like I had no one to go to. Other family was closed off, because of bad influences. My only friend was very kind to people and me, but she never took me seriously. I came to have relations with a boy from high school. Throughout the years I clung onto him, because I felt alone. He never treated me right. I was always doing all the work and support, while he really didn't do anything in return. I had no one to talk to. I was alone. I dealt with it and stayed with him. A couple of years later I did something very stupid and it drove him off. Being as alone as I was, I did everything I could to get him to come back, and he eventually did. I was scared of him leaving again, and I did not want to be alone. I convinced him to marry me. After marriage it was still the same. I was the one who was supportive, and he was not. I was sad, but at least I was not alone. Years later I was at the edge, and I was starting to look at the wrong solutions to solve my problems. It was until I came across a nice guy over the net that I felt I could tell my problems to. He told me that I should not be living like that and I need to get out, and so I did. Although I didn't do it for myself, I mainly did it for him. I moved far away to the other side of the country and begun the process for filing for a divorce, which took almost a year. During that time I begun talking to the nice guy more, he was also depressed when I met him, but we soon fell in love and quickly it turned into wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. I worked very hard for that reason. I did a warehouse job and it strained my body a lot, but I wanted to do as much as I could for him. After my divorce was done, we were to get together, as we decided it would be right to wait till then. So all that long time I fell deep in love with things such as going to be living together after this battle and he would happily talk about me being his fiancee. It made me feel very happy. I fought so hard for him.

Not too long ago my divorce ended. I am now living with him. Things have changed. He wants to take things slow now. He wants to take steps back. He no longer wants to refer to me as his fiancee, only girlfriend(It hurts, but I can understand since it would be weird to call me that, when he hasn't proposed). He told me statistically that couples are better off living apart before marriage. I suppose there is a different feeling when you live together, or something of that sort. He wants me to make friends and move in with another girl later on down the road. I told him that I do not feel comfortable, because I went through so much and I only trust his support, which he actually works hard. I said what if I don't end up finding someone and it could take me a long time to entirely trust them, and he compared it to his best friend how he's only known for 3 years, but I am in an entirely new area, I haven't lived here as long as he has, I don't have any family here, and I am not the same as him. He told me he doesn't really want to discuss this topic, as it will come later on down the road, and he wants me to keep the motion in mind. I asked for when it did, will it be a decision we come to together, he replied yes and he wasn't going to throw me to the wolves. Although I feel that he feels strongly about his thoughts. He says he still intends to marry me in the end.

Main Scenario:
I did all this for him out of all seriousness, as I thought he was too. Now I am on the other side of the country and he is saying all of these new changes and I cannot help, but feel scared. It's a different change from the beginning. He all decided this after I moved here. I would love to say I trust him, but this change scares me a lot. I have this fear that it's not going to work out. I want to trust him, but this sudden change and everything I went through weighs me down. He doesn't like talking about it, as it's just the same thing, and honestly, I don't think there is anything he can do. Slowing things down is what makes him feel comfortable, so I have to respect that. Since he doesn't like talking about it, I've kept it to myself. I do appear sad at times, and he asks me what's wrong, but I keep it to myself as it is just the exact same thing. I've tried keeping myself busy, by talking to other people and such, but my uneasiness comes back to me at the end of the day. I am trying to stay strong and keep on being a girl who can make him feel happy and not a girl that makes him feel down, because I don't want to end up driving him away. It's very hard.

All in All:
I thought to reach out to people to make friends, instead of having one important person in my life would be best, but it still doesn't rid my fear/depression. I really love this guy. He is very kind and supportive and we get along great. He means so much to me. I want to work with bettering our relationship, but I am scared..

Thank you for reading. Even if you are a stranger, it means a lot.

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Old 02-07-2015, 07:13 PM   #2
The Queen of Peace
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It sounds really scary that you have moved so far away to somewhere you don't know.

Is there any way you can make friends (even if it's just light-hearted, have-a-laugh sort of friends) with your boyfriend's friends, so that you have other people to go to if you are feeling lonely, or if you two don't work out in the end (which hopefully won't be the case)?

I think it's important that you express your feelings of fear to him - which is what you have done, and that's a positive step. I'm sorry though that he's making you feel unnerved about the situation with your relationship.

It's fantastic that you get along so well with your boyfriend. Hold onto that, it's so important to get along with your SO.



For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once. That is of course the miracle of life.
-Bill Bryson

Don't ever frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.


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Old 02-07-2015, 07:39 PM   #3
MissSunshine
 
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I am able to talk with his best friend who lives with him too. I am trying to set up lunch with his best friend's girlfriend. They are also having a house warming party too, in which my guy said he invited girl co workers as they can lead to possible friendships. It would really suck if we didn't work out, because these people are all of his acquaintances. I could possibly become friends with them, but I don't know if I would feel comfortable enough to talk about my issues about me and my guy. Every time I feel like he tries to help me get friends, all that comes up in my head is that they are going to be possible candidates to which my guy mentioned earlier about moving in with them(although that is not his intention for helping me get friends), but I won't lie, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'll try bringing it up to him today. I'll try letting him know that I still feel uncomfortable, and I am probably still going to feel uncomfortable, although he said it can change later on, but I feel strongly whole heart about this. It's starting to depress me to where I just feel tired and I rarely feel hungry, although I want to keep up a positive attitude, so I don't worry him or make him feel uncomfortable or down.

It's a pretty difficult situation.

Thank you for the input though.

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Old 03-07-2015, 01:17 AM   #4
PoppyLove
 
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That is a tricky situation, and without being able to understand it firsthand, it feels a little off to me.

I understand what he's saying about not living together before marriage. It's becoming more common, but I learned in some of my college courses that it doesn't always end well. However, he allowed you to move across the country and into the house with him and after all this time is just now suggesting you move out? That seems a bit harsh and cold and, honestly, a touch suspicious to me. It may not be, but I don't like it.

Have you ever gone in for any counseling for your problems? I ask because I know what you're going through - I had a lot of issues in the past (still do, to some degree) and I never found support in my family or friends. I ended up going to my university's counseling services on my own because it was free, and it did help somewhat. You need to find a way to be supportive of you right now. I know how wonderful it sounds to have a person there to give you that kind of support, and it's great, but in reality the only person you can count on 100% to be there for you, to understand you, is you. A counselor can help you find ways to cope and stand on your own two feet.

I think that once you develop some coping skills and get a bit more self-confidence, your relationship will become more clear. It won't be easy, and there will be ruts. I've fallen in time and again. But I honestly believe it's worth it.

And at that point, maybe you still love him. Great! You can have a healthy, supportive relationship where (ideally) you can both lean on each other but you don't need the other person to carry your full weight.

I honestly do think it would be healthy for you to move out, but I don't think you should if it makes you feel uncomfortable, and I certainly don't think you should live with people who make you feel uncomfortable either. Is there anywhere you can live on your own? It's a hard situation and I know it's tough to find a perfect answer.

In any case, I'm rooting for you! :)

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Old 03-07-2015, 02:31 AM   #5
MissSunshine
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyLove View Post
That is a tricky situation, and without being able to understand it firsthand, it feels a little off to me.

I understand what he's saying about not living together before marriage. It's becoming more common, but I learned in some of my college courses that it doesn't always end well. However, he allowed you to move across the country and into the house with him and after all this time is just now suggesting you move out? That seems a bit harsh and cold and, honestly, a touch suspicious to me. It may not be, but I don't like it.

Have you ever gone in for any counseling for your problems? I ask because I know what you're going through - I had a lot of issues in the past (still do, to some degree) and I never found support in my family or friends. I ended up going to my university's counseling services on my own because it was free, and it did help somewhat. You need to find a way to be supportive of you right now. I know how wonderful it sounds to have a person there to give you that kind of support, and it's great, but in reality the only person you can count on 100% to be there for you, to understand you, is you. A counselor can help you find ways to cope and stand on your own two feet.

I think that once you develop some coping skills and get a bit more self-confidence, your relationship will become more clear. It won't be easy, and there will be ruts. I've fallen in time and again. But I honestly believe it's worth it.

And at that point, maybe you still love him. Great! You can have a healthy, supportive relationship where (ideally) you can both lean on each other but you don't need the other person to carry your full weight.

I honestly do think it would be healthy for you to move out, but I don't think you should if it makes you feel uncomfortable, and I certainly don't think you should live with people who make you feel uncomfortable either. Is there anywhere you can live on your own? It's a hard situation and I know it's tough to find a perfect answer.

In any case, I'm rooting for you! :)
I understand what you mean. To be quite honest, I did not like that that I moved far away and did so much to be told to move in with another girl. I could have understood from the beginning, but to make a decision this late when everything has been done to change the tides makes me cringe deep inside. I love him and I trust he wouldn't do anything, but I did all this out of commitment. I think it would be right of him to return that commitment to stick with living with me. Would that be right after all I did? He tries to compare that he went through stuff just like me, such as some relations going down the drain, because they didn't like my past, but I can't help but feel I went through more with moving across the country and that was a huge risk I took and undergoing all I did.

I know that I cannot fully rely on him for support, physical and emotional. I have learned that from my past. It's really hard recovering from that when I just got done with my divorce and my goal I worked to now has been changed around. I cannot afford a counselor, but I'm trying the next best thing by reaching out to others, such as a motion like this and to friends.

I couldn't live alone. I'm in the point in life where I have to survive in the outside world. It's easier living with another, as if I live by myself, I would be stuck living in the ghetto and just barely making enough to get by with my bills. I want to live with someone I can trust fully. I couldn't really with friends as they are doing their own thing. Yet you are right. I shouldn't be living in this state of being uncomfortable. I really need to try to talk to him about it.

I know I said I would talk to him about it today, but I think I am going to delay it until next week, at least before the house warming party. I want to have a good Fourth of July, as I am also hoping he sees how much loving and committed I am with me living with him and hopefully that will come into his mind if we talk about it and he disagrees, but I tell him to think about it if he loves me. I mean, if he says he intends to marry me, I would think he would take it seriously upon how I feel.

Thank you for the advice! I am slowly growing a bit better with having support.

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