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Old 14-02-2008, 04:00 AM   #1
Casca
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Triggering (SI/Abuse) - Love and Razorblades: Ecstacy *adult in later posts*

I started writing this story when I was still having issues with my SI. It helped me vent a lot of the negative feelings I was expiriencing. The main character in the story, Cecilia, is not myself, parts of her persona are indeed from my own personality, but I promise that she is fictional. I am a character in the story...as you will find out later on if anyone likes it...as I am now. Well...I hope you like it, and I hope it isn't too graphic...most of the graphics are in this first part, and kinda scattered through the story.

Wow, sorry about that long paragraph, I hope you enjoy. Please tell me how you feel about it. :]




Dear Diary,
Life can truly be a bitch sometimes and I just want to know if it ever plans on getting any better. I may seem happy and content with my life, but behind my eyes is a tormented soul just begging to be freed of her hellish life. I have friends that would go to the end of the world to make sure that I feel the best I can, but they have no ****ing idea what I actually go through when they're not around, and they should be happy that they don't. I mean, come on, if they knew what I was like when I am with these people, my so-called family, they would abandon me for sure. I fear the day that will come because I am nothing without my friends, and I will die without them..

I sighed as I gazed upon the many pages that my innermost thoughts danced along. "No one can find out," I grimaced to myself, setting the book on the nightstand.

I have always valued my alone time when I'm in this hellhole, but it is hard to think when my parents are arguing to the point where I can hear them through my music.

"Do they ever shut up," I questioned my lamp, which was in my peripheral vision at the time.

I had decided that relaxing was a lost cause, so I decided to attempt a mere trip to the kitchen for a drink. I lifted myself off my bed and quietly got out of my room, without causing my parents to avert from their argument. I opened the fridge and reached for a bottle of water, but before I got a hold of it, I heard my mother's screeching voice.

"Cecilia, you really need to stop eating, you are getting fat. Geez, how much to you weigh now, 150, 160?"

"I weigh 115, mom," I spoke up.

"That is too much, you need to lose at least 20 pounds," her shrill voice squaked. "It doesn't matter, Sherry. It's not like Cecilia is doing anything anyway, let her get fat. It's not like anyone really cares about someone as worthless as her, " my father said in a non-chalant tone.

Those words cut me like a knife, and I really didn't know what to do. I felt a rage of emotions welling up inside me. I was just caught completely off-guard with my father's heartless statement...it just got to me.

I abandoned my water and left the kitchen with out saying a word and my parents got back into their heated argument. Before long, tears were streaming down my face, and they just wouldn't stop. I ran to my room so no one could see me like this. I locked the door behind me and collapsed on the floor.

"They're right, I'm worthless!" I kept on saying in my head continously.

Everything in my mind was such a blur, except for one thought in my messed up mind. I attempted to gather my composure before stumbling to my feet. I stepped torwards my nightstand and opened the drawer. I reached for the small, black metal box that was inside. I sat on the edge of my bed and opened it.

The contents were cruel and grim. Several blood stained cutting impliments gleemed in the dim lighting of my room. I reached in the box and got a sharp, double-edged razor from it. I set it aside and put the box back in the drawer. It was obvious that the razor wasn't new. The remnints of a past session had imprinted it with blood on one side of the blade.

I cranked up the music as loud as I could before rolling up my sleeves. My right arm was clean, but my left arm sang a song of a different tune. I looked up and down my scar-marked arm till I found an unscathed section near my wrist. I took the razor into my hand and I took the clean side of the double-edged razor and pressed it on my wrist. I breathed heavlily as I slid the razor across my wrist, leaving a deep slit behind. I moved the razor further up my arm and made four more cuts of the same severity. I gave a huge sigh of relief when I set the bloodied blade on my nightstand. I laid on my back and watched as the blood seeped out of my fresh wounds.

Only one thought was going through my head...no one can find out about this.

My thoughts started to slow down and slip away as my wrist conitnued to cry crimson tears through the slits. A wave of relaxment came over me as more blood continued to pour out of my severed veins. Sleep was beginnning to overcome me and I was drifting away fast, but before I could enter dreamland, my phone went off.

"Pick up the phone, pick up the phone, ****ER." My favorite ringtone. I snapped out of my lethargic state and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Cecilia, " a familiar voice said over the line.

"Oh, hi Arhen (pronounced like Aaron)" I said, quickly regaining my composure so I could hide what was truly going on.

"I was just calling to see how you were doing," he said cheerfully. I sighed through the mouthpiece.

"I'm fine...I'm just fine." I lied, reaching for a towel to clean my wrist of the blood.

"Are you sure?" Arhen asked in a concerned voice. "Is anything wrong?"

"It's nothing," I lied again, tossing the blood soaked towel into my bathroom. "Don't worry about it."


Last edited by Casca : 27-03-2009 at 02:02 AM.


Insight on humanity
I think I might be addicted to Domo-kun.
"Let's go to Tokyo!"
Me:"Tokyo? But what about Japan?"
"Mer, you idiot...Tokyo is in Japan."
Me:"Really? Since when? OH...damn it..."
"How the hell do you have an IQ over 170?"
Me:"Oh, shut it!"

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Old 14-02-2008, 04:41 AM   #2
Feel_Good_inc.
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Interesting. you have a reader in me. very well written.



Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife"
06.November.2011



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Old 14-02-2008, 08:21 AM   #3
butterfly525
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This is really interesting. I look forward to more!



Laura


"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa


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Old 14-02-2008, 03:54 PM   #4
Casca
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Thanks to those that have read my story. I will have to wait till I get home to post more...grr, the school comp won't let me into my email where I have all my stories saved so I can get to them at school or whenever I'm not at home...but this isn't working>.<. I'm sorry about the rant....but I digress. Thanks again for taking the time to read my story. :)


Last edited by Casca : 14-02-2008 at 03:54 PM. Reason: Just needed to fix something


Insight on humanity
I think I might be addicted to Domo-kun.
"Let's go to Tokyo!"
Me:"Tokyo? But what about Japan?"
"Mer, you idiot...Tokyo is in Japan."
Me:"Really? Since when? OH...damn it..."
"How the hell do you have an IQ over 170?"
Me:"Oh, shut it!"

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Old 15-02-2008, 07:04 PM   #5
Casca
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Here is an update if anyone is interested. It is still a tad bit triggering...but that part is just about over for now. :)

"C.C, how long have you known me?" Arhen questioned. "You know that I'm always here for you, and you can tell me anything"

"Yeah, but I don't know, "I squeaked. "Wait...are your parents fighting again?"

"Well, yeah."

"About what?"

"Nothing, it's nothing."

"I know it's nothing to you, but it's a whole lot to me."

"Still..."

"That's it, I'm coming over to get you..."

"NO!"

"Whaaa..."

"I mean, damn it, fine, you win, but you don't need to come here."

"Then what do you propose we do?"

"Hmm...I know! I'll meet you under that bridge in the park in half an hour."

"OK, that's fine with me, but are you sure you don't want me to come and pick you up?" Arhen asked

"No, I'm fine walking. Besides, I could use some fresh air. I need some time to think things through," I answered, sliding my razor back in to the nightstand. "Is that alright with you?"

"Yeah, that's fine, he said. "But are you sure nothing's wrong?"

I sighed again, "Look, I'll talk to you about it when we meet up. And..." I paused, trying to choose my words carefully. "I really need to talk to you about something."

"Oh, alright, " He said in a slightly concerned tone.

"Well, I guess I'll be seeing you in a little bit"

"Ok"

"See you soon," I said, "Bye"

"See ya," he said before hanging up the phone.

I exhaled sharply as I set the phone back on the reciever. "At least I'm getting out of this hell hole," I said to myself. I stumbled to my feet, slipping on the blood that trickled out of my wrist.

"Damn it," I swore. "I should probably clean some of this up before I leave. I have time." This was true, the park is maybe five minutes away from my house. I fetched the bloody towel from the bathroom and cleaned up my blood off the floor.

"****," I murrmered, looking down at my sleeve.



Insight on humanity
I think I might be addicted to Domo-kun.
"Let's go to Tokyo!"
Me:"Tokyo? But what about Japan?"
"Mer, you idiot...Tokyo is in Japan."
Me:"Really? Since when? OH...damn it..."
"How the hell do you have an IQ over 170?"
Me:"Oh, shut it!"

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Old 15-02-2008, 07:08 PM   #6
Feel_Good_inc.
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very nicely written.



Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife"
06.November.2011



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Old 16-02-2008, 11:39 PM   #7
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The blood had seeped through my white shirt sleeve. "I can't go out with a shirt like this," I grumbled, stripping myself of the tainted shirt. I ran into the bathroom and filled my bathtub with cold water. I layed the blood-stained towel and shirt on top of my counter and sprayed them with stain remover.

"That should do it," I thought, dropping the articles into the bathtub. The blood began to sift out into the water. I walked to my dresser, grabbing a black and red long-sleeved shirt. I put it on, wearily making sure it would cover my wrists. I stripped off my pj bottoms and put on a purple and black plaid skirt. When I was finished with my ensemble, I glanced at the clock.

"15 minutes," I whispered to myself, "I should get going." I locked the door to my bathroom, so my "parents" couldn't get in. I didn't even want to think of the consequences if they saw what was lying within it. I grabbed my make-up filled purse while heading torwards the door. I listened to see if my parents were still arguing. There was silence. I opened my bedroom door, ran down the flight of stairs, rushing out of the front door with out notice. I shielded my eyes as the bright setting sun gleemed a bright orange. I walked down the the suburbian side walk to the corner store. There was an allie that I always went to when I wanted some time to think. I walked down to the dead end, sat down, and opened my purse. I grabbed my black eyeliner and compact out of the bag. I opened the compact to where I could see myself in the tiny mirror. I liberally lined my eyes with the dark eyeliner. I don't know why, but I've always liked it like that. When I was finished with the eyeliner, I picked up my red eyeshadow, opened it up, and laced my eyelids with the color, adding a touch of purple to the edges of the red. I put a light blush on my cheeks to add to the make-up on my face. I closed the compact and put everything back into my purse. I looked at my phone,

"three minutes," I thought, "Arhen's probably down there now." I rised off the ground and walked out of the alleyway. A couple of blocks later, I could see the park. I crossed the street, walking over to the tree where I could see Arhen waiting. He was on the tall side, an "emo" hair style, my sense of style, quite attractive if you ask me. He ran over and picked me up off the ground.

" C.C," Arhen greeted, spinning me around. "It's great to see you."

"It's good to see you too, Arhen." I smiled. He set me back down on the ground. He grabbed my hand and lead me torwards the bridge.

"So..." he paused. "How are you?"

"I've been better," I sighed. We sat down on the bench underneath the tree, Arhen still holding my hand.

"Um, can you let go of my hand now, sweetie?" I said.

"Oh," he gasped, letting go of my hand. "Sorry." There was a moment of silence. "So, your parents were arguing again?"

"Yeah they fight more and more nowadays."

"What were they fighting about this time?"

"They think I'm fat..."

"You are ****ing kidding me, right? There is not an ounce of fat on your body."

"Try telling them that."

"Still, how can they say that?"

"Easy, they hate me, they think I'm worthless."

"I'm so sorry to hear about that."

"It's OK"

"No it's not, it's terrible."

"They don't care."

"Something needs to be done about them."

"No, they are too oblivious."

"These are your parents, they shouldn't be treating you like this."

"They won't stop, they will never stop."

"There has to be a way."

"There isn't a chance in hell that they are ever going to stop treating me like ****, plain and simple. Can we PLEASE drop the subject?"

"Oh, I'm sorry...ok we can do that....anyway, you said that there was something that you needed to tell me?"

"Oh...yeah...I know..." I paused, millions of thoughts rushing through my head at one time. "Umm, yeah..." I squeaked,"Umm..."

"Come on, you can tell me," Arhen ensured. I had no idea what to say. I could hear every single thought that was racing through my head.

"Yeah." I hesitated. "I don't know how to really explain it."

"I am here for you, you can tell me anything."

I was losing control of my mind. I am so afraid of what he might think of me once he finds out what I do to myself. He would hate me, call me a freak. But he did say that he would back me up no matter what.

I would love some more feedback about the story. I greatly appreciate the comments that I have gotten so far.

Until next time. :)



Insight on humanity
I think I might be addicted to Domo-kun.
"Let's go to Tokyo!"
Me:"Tokyo? But what about Japan?"
"Mer, you idiot...Tokyo is in Japan."
Me:"Really? Since when? OH...damn it..."
"How the hell do you have an IQ over 170?"
Me:"Oh, shut it!"

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Old 17-02-2008, 02:12 AM   #8
Feel_Good_inc.
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*Massive hugs*
beautifully written. You're such a wonderful person.
stay safe.



Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife"
06.November.2011



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Old 17-02-2008, 02:17 AM   #9
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Aaahh suspense....

I really like this. You're a very good writer.



Laura


"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa


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Old 17-02-2008, 02:09 PM   #10
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Wow.
Thats amazing, and you stopped right on a cliffhanger, please keep writing!!!



We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.


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Old 17-02-2008, 06:50 PM   #11
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More please, you're a great writer, and describe things really well!

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Old 18-02-2008, 02:41 AM   #12
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"Uhh..." I paused. I thought for a second. I hit him, playfully, then took off in the other direction. "Tag, your it!" I shouted, running torwards the edge of the river, Arhen pursuing. "You can't catch me!" I yelled back at him.

"We'll see about that," Arhen shouted back. He grabbed a hold of my arm, pulling me torwards him. Unfortunatly, I lost my balance, falling down to the ground, taking Arhen down with me. He landed flat on top of me, with the both of us laughing hysterically.

"Well, that was fun, " I laughed.

"And you said I couldn't catch you, " Arhen chuckled. There was a moment of silence. I gazed into his deep, blue eyes while he stared into mine. Before I could say anything, I found his lips entwined with mine. My eyes widened with confusion, but I greatly appreciated the lavish attention. I pushed into the kiss, shutting my eyes to relish the feeling. Our lips remained locked for what seemed like the longest time, but he suddenly broke away.

"I am so sorry, " He exhaled. "I didn't even think to ask if it was ok. Please don't hate..." I placed my finger atop his lips.

"It's alright," I assured him. "I really needed that, thank you." I could see Arhen turning a shade of red.

"Oh...really...well..." he stuttered. "O....K."

"Are we good now?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's all good now, " Arhen sighed. "But back to the point, what did you need to talk to me about?"

I could feel my heart sink within my chest. How could I possibly ruin such a beautiful moment. That's right, telling him that I hurt myself.

"I...just don't know, " I whispered. "I'm afraid." I could hear my voice breaking with every word, tears welling up in my eyes.

"You know me, I will never judge you," he assured me. "I care about you and there is nothing that can change that. I will listen to whatever you have to say. I am here for you, OK?"

I couldn't speak.

"OK?" he shook me gently.

I shot up off the ground.

"Alright ,OK!, " I bursted into tears. "My parents, they never stop, NEVER. They always argue, they always put me down. They don't give a **** about me, they hate me!" Everything was just pouring out of my heart and out of my mouth. " I just feel that I'd be better off dead, it just hurts so ****ing much!" I paused...pulling up my sleeve, letting my dark secret out into the open. "The only thing that makes me feel better is doing this to myself."

I collapsed to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Oh my God, " Arhen muttered, his face turning paler by the second, "I don't know what to say."


Sorry about ending it in another cliffhanger, but suspision adds to the expirience. Thank you so much for the feedback on my story, it really gives me the motivation to write. I hope you enjoy!



Insight on humanity
I think I might be addicted to Domo-kun.
"Let's go to Tokyo!"
Me:"Tokyo? But what about Japan?"
"Mer, you idiot...Tokyo is in Japan."
Me:"Really? Since when? OH...damn it..."
"How the hell do you have an IQ over 170?"
Me:"Oh, shut it!"

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Old 18-02-2008, 10:53 AM   #13
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Eeeeeeeeeek.

I just read the whole thing, and now I need to know what happens!!

It's wonderfully written, I love it ^_^

Laura xx




...and the sun will set for you...


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Old 18-02-2008, 01:03 PM   #14
Feel_Good_inc.
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hurry and write more. Can't wait to read it.



Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife"
06.November.2011



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Old 18-02-2008, 04:03 PM   #15
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This is really well written
Can't wait to read more



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 18-02-2008, 05:10 PM   #16
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**wants more**sits on the floor waiting**

Your brill at this - keep going.

is there going to be more????



StillBroken is my cool lil sis!!! - surprising mystery is my uber-cool monkey!!!zowie is my lil sis !!!!- LetDeathEmbraceUs is my Wolfie !!!
BrokenKisses is my DizzyCandyFloss !!! rachel487 is my lil sis !!! nuttergirl is my kool neice !!! CrazyKat is my book buddie !!!
NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL - ONE NICE PM TO SOMEONE NEW A DAY HELPS!!! TRY IT!!!




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Old 19-02-2008, 04:06 AM   #17
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I couldn't believe it! Everything was now out in the open. I just know that Arhen is going to leave me now. I wish I had never told him. He probably thinks I'm this suicidal, attention-craving freak! I'm so ****ing worthless, I ruin everything!

I sat on the ground, mentally inhabilitated by the event that just took place. I could not get a grip of myself. Though, I do have to say, I did not expect what happened next.

Arhen gently pulled my butchered arm torwards himself. I stared at him, tears streaming like waterfalls from my eyes, as he traced along my cuts and scars with his fingers, remaining completely silent. Without warning, he scooped me up and embraced me. I buried my face into his shoulder, still sobbing.

"It's alright, everything is going to be okay," he cooed.

"I'm sorry!" I cried, words muffled by his shoulder.

"Shh," he hushed, "It's ok, I just wish there was a way that I could help you."

"Nothing else could rid me of my pain," I said with a stifling sob. "Please don't hate me."

"What did I say before?" He asked, "I could never hate you, even if I tried."

"I'm sorry," I apologized again. He lifted me off of his shoulder, making me face him. I looked into his eyes as he into mine.

"You don't need to apologize," he said softly. "Just promise me one thing: if you are feeling bad or upset about anything, don't you dare touch that blade."

"Arhen," I sighed, tears ceasing, "I can't make that promise."

"You can try. Call me if you are feeling down, I will be sure to get you," he promised.

"I'll try," I whispered. "I don't know if I can do it, but I'll try."

"That's all I need to hear," he confirmed, gently pulling my shirt sleeve down. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "Better than I was."

"Are you up for hanging out with some friends?"

"Hell yeah," I paused, "but..."

"We'll just keep this between you and me," he said. "Until you are ready to talk about it."

I just smiled. He took a hold of my right hand and lifted me off the ground.

"Come on," he smiled. "Let's go to Seb's house!"

I smiled back at him, "Ok!"

As we were walking out of the park, he stopped in front of me. He took my face into his hands and kissed me, lovingly. As our lips parted, he took hold of my hand again. Things are beginning to look up.

__________________________________________________
Well, I thought that I would leave off with some good feelings instead of a cliffhanger. It kinda is a cliffhanger...except not really. Well, I am off to eat a veggie burger (I am veg) .....ok, not really(I am still veg), I just wanted an excuse to use that smiley.

Hahahahaha, I digress, sorry about the babbling. Until next time. Any feedback is welcome! Thank you to all of you that have taken the time to read my work.

_Mer



Insight on humanity
I think I might be addicted to Domo-kun.
"Let's go to Tokyo!"
Me:"Tokyo? But what about Japan?"
"Mer, you idiot...Tokyo is in Japan."
Me:"Really? Since when? OH...damn it..."
"How the hell do you have an IQ over 170?"
Me:"Oh, shut it!"

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Old 19-02-2008, 10:59 AM   #18
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***more???***

tis releeee good hun, keep writing!

PaperClip!

(((huggles)))(((^10)))



StillBroken is my cool lil sis!!! - surprising mystery is my uber-cool monkey!!!zowie is my lil sis !!!!- LetDeathEmbraceUs is my Wolfie !!!
BrokenKisses is my DizzyCandyFloss !!! rachel487 is my lil sis !!! nuttergirl is my kool neice !!! CrazyKat is my book buddie !!!
NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL - ONE NICE PM TO SOMEONE NEW A DAY HELPS!!! TRY IT!!!




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Old 19-02-2008, 12:35 PM   #19
Feel_Good_inc.
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a fantastic read.
keep writing, this is great.
You're great.



Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife"
06.November.2011



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Old 20-02-2008, 04:46 AM   #20
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Thank you for your input. I need a favor. There is a possibility that I will need characters for my story (there are a total of six in what I have written), and I feel that the story could use another two or three characters. If you are interested in having a place in my story, please send me some info about yourself. i.e. Name, Age, Personality, Habits, Possible relationship. That whole shpeal. I would prefer you pm me instead of comment, that way I can get to it easier. I will consider everyone that gives me info. I will try my best to incorporate each person that submits info to me.

Sorry about that long thing, I hope you can understand that. Well, until next time!

Love always

_Mer



Insight on humanity
I think I might be addicted to Domo-kun.
"Let's go to Tokyo!"
Me:"Tokyo? But what about Japan?"
"Mer, you idiot...Tokyo is in Japan."
Me:"Really? Since when? OH...damn it..."
"How the hell do you have an IQ over 170?"
Me:"Oh, shut it!"

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