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Old 13-04-2014, 04:22 PM   #1
lozza
just trying to fly εϊз
 
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Reviews Requested- Contains upsetting material - Jigsaw - my story

First o/d

I remember staring out of the back of the ambulance as we drove off whilst my fellow netball team mates watched on in disbelief. I was shaking. I felt lightheaded and sick. As I lay back down on the stretcher I closed my eyes, wishing that this was all just a bad dream.

That day at school I was numb and withdrawn. I couldn’t concentrate on my class work (I was in year 11) and my mind was racing. There was constant screaming and shouting in my head. I felt more alone than I ever had before and more than anything else I just wanted my head to shut the hell up and to leave me alone.

Teachers were concerned. Friends wouldn’t leave my side. But still no one understood or really ‘got’ things. I was barely able to get what was going on myself! But I did try talking that day. I tried to reach out for help but no one listened and once again, as if on impulse, the screaming and shouting in my head escalated even more. I was close to tears. I just needed a break.

No one really gets suicide. I don’t think anyone really could unless they have been there themselves. It’s horrible though, so much so that I would not even wish it upon my worst enemy!

You feel all alone; scared. There is this numbing feeling that takes over everything and you feel overwhelmed with emptiness and sadness. You struggle to move and talk. You try to scream out to anyone that will listen, but no one hears you. You’re stuck and you can’t do a thing. And your head – oh my God! What happens in your head is the worst; so many thoughts and worries. Thoughts telling you that you will NEVER be good enough or amount to anything, that you will always fail and the happiness that you once felt in your life – it’s gone and will never return. The constant screaming “fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic, bad” the words that you try not to believe but what the hell, they are all you ever hear and like what people say “if you listen to something long enough it eventually will come true!”

I remember a friend promising me that day that we would talk at some stage. But that ‘some stage’ never happened. Actually, every time I asked to speak to my friend I was told
“Yes we will next class, I promise. Just focus on your work now, OK?”
Every class I went to that day, even recess and lunchtime, I felt alone and scared and overwhelmed with defeat. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be feeling like I was anymore. And talking and reaching out for help – Yep, I tried that! But nothing helped and I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted someone to tell me that it was OK, that I didn’t have to keep living anymore. That even though suicide is never the answer, that it was OK if I killed myself because I had tried to fight my depression, anxiety and eating disorder for long enough. And I was at the stage where I couldn’t fight it for a minute longer.

The unthinkable, my first attempted suicide, happened on a Monday night at netball training. I got to training first and tried so hard to stay distracted and busy until the others arrived. I felt like I wasn’t even in my own body though. I was numb. Empty. I wasn’t scared like I probably should have been, I was somehow excited instead. My head was suddenly quiet and at peace. I felt heavy but yet so light. I swallowed all those pills in hope that I would fall asleep and never wake up. I took them in hope that I could disappear and never have to feel again. I tried to kill myself because life was too much for me and I just wanted it to stop.

One thing I have learnt is that every suicide can be prevented. All you need to do is ask someone, and I mean really ask someone if they are OK, or if they want to talk. Maybe if that friend had given me that time then I wouldn’t have ended up in hospital that night with my parents by my side after trying to kill myself.

This is my story.



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~

mj is my bright, flickering candle light ~ always helping me through to another day:)
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 13-04-2014, 04:25 PM   #2
lozza
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Self-harm

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Just keep counting. Keep your breathing steady and just keep counting.

I felt my breath quicken as a silent scream left my mouth. There was this sharp pain; a very sharp, stinging pain. As I looked down all I could see was dark red blood escaping from my leg. I quickly dropped the blade onto the floor and grabbed a handful of tissues ready to apply pressure to my wound.

I felt free and at peace. I could breathe again.

Knock, knock.

“Yes Mum?”

“Lauren, are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine! Just doing my homework, I’ll come out soon...”

I leant back against my bedroom door and removed the tissues. There was blood everywhere and I could see this bubbly fatty substance pop out of my wound. I bandaged my wound and put all my tools away, carefully making sure that no blood could be seen on me or my floor. I then stood up, concentrating hard on my breathing and left my bedroom. With a smile upon my face I walked out into the lounge room to join my family. Nothing had just happened and I was ‘fine!’ There was nothing that anybody had to worry about.

Self-harming happened on a regular basis. Why it happened, how I could hurt myself; I am not sure. I couldn’t stop hurting myself though. When I felt numb, alone, hurt... my blade was there for me. It was my friend. A friend that would never hurt me or betray my trust; my blade was there for me always and as hard as it may be to recognise or see... it kept me safe and alive.

***

I have a friend
She is silver and she shines
She helps me to live, helps me to feel
My friend is silver and she shines

I have a friend
A friend who never leaves
She stands by my side, no matter what
My friend is silver and she shines

I have a friend
A friend who never gets angry or mad
If I am upset, triggered, or feel bad
She allows me to use her... she is silver and she shines

I have a friend
A friend who accepts me just as I am
She does not mind I am different, that I am broken or so scared
My friend is silver and she shines

But my friend is a monster
She creeps into my head and convinces me that she has all the answers...
She tells me to use her, that she will help bring me relief
My friend is silver and she shines

I really don’t like this friend I have made though
She has pushed so many of my REAL friends away
But she won’t give up, she refuses to leave me
My friend is silver and she shines

But if you look at her closely
You will see that after some time she does not shine so much...
She is covered in hatred, covered up in so much pain
My friend is seen as silver but she does not really shine

But my friend is so strong
She always gets into my head when I am feeling so weak
My friend tells me she is silver and that she also shines
But I can now see through this, I can see the person she really is!

But still my friend sticks around
She tells me she will never fully leave
I think that I need her right now, this friend I so desperately hate
My friend is my razor blade, she is silver and she shines



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~

mj is my bright, flickering candle light ~ always helping me through to another day:)
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 27-04-2014, 10:43 PM   #3
crazykat
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This is really good hun, thanks for sharing



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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