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Old 16-05-2016, 09:13 AM   #1
bitomato
 
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*suicide I am giving up

HAd a terrible experience of being assaulted by two men. Police blamed me for trying to defend myself and told them that the laws that exist overseas don't effect people in my home country

Tired of my PTSD controlling me.
I am trying to relocate but I have no support.
I cannot say- please be quiet to neighbours because I would have to explain PTSD and would be always labelled as that crazy person.
I feel like this cannot go on.
I cannot go on.
I have my........all ready (know I cannot tip share)
It has never been like this before.
I tried to call relatives.
There is no one who would care if I died.





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 16-05-2016, 09:54 AM   #2
Sooty
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Dear Bitomato,

I'm so sorry you had to endure such a horrific experience and it has left you with the emotional scars of PTSD. It must be daily battle to try to avoid triggers and situations that provoke your PTSD.

Please know though that there are people who care about you and want to see you safe and well. With the right therapies and the right medication, PTSD is very manageable and there is a life out there worth living. Keep fighting lovely.

Sophie.x



Soon... Now will be then...Today will be yesterday... Present will be past...And thought will be memory... So...Live for the future! Make your future how you want it!

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Old 17-05-2016, 09:32 AM   #3
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We're here for you to help you as much as we can. Life is hard, but tell us about your situation, why you're stuck and can't move.

We want to get to know you better, and we'd love to hang out sometime. To chat and see other times.

Can you do it for me? I want to at least get to know you. To understand your story. I'm just a curious sort and I'd love to see and find out more about you.

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Old 17-05-2016, 08:16 PM   #4
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How are you feeling now? Are you safe? We're here as a place you can talk safely, and see if there is a way to help you through this hard place. You aren't crazy and I'll bet you there are people who do care, even if you can't see it at the moment xxx



"Weíll behave like a bunch of holier-than-thou hypocrites. Because the alternative is to look at ourselves in the mirror and know that we are capable of dark and terrible things"

"We didn't make this world - we're just the poor fools who are living in it"

"Superpowers don't always make you a superhero"


Michael Grant


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Old 18-05-2016, 01:18 AM   #5
bitomato
 
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Hi,
I guess I am better today. I had to basically ignore family and get my support worker to overnight with me. I was only given provision for one night.....but they keep checking in every few hours. Someone will be with me in the morning....
I was highly triggered today and almost crashed my car, but I guess because I was also in pain from the assault I kept having flash backs. Much of my day involved getting medication for the pain- and I am glad I was responsible enough to ask about interactions. I also had the foresight to book an early appointment with my psychiatrist rather than the monthly.
I've just never been that low and out of control.
My family listen, but they cannot help. Even when they try I know that I cannot trust them in a crisis.
I am currently in an abusive relationship and I am finding it really hard to break it off because I am hurting so badly.
At least I will be getting weekly counseling now- which I wasn't guaranteed before.
I took the week off from work because I prefer not to force myself to cope.
I have some bereavement anniversaries coming up too so- I need my space.

A bit awkward- but my psychiatrist took my feedback that I was getting too depressed and needed my antidepressants revised. Wish I wasn't so directly in control of my care- sometimes I wish I had people who would take care of me and loved me enough.





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 18-05-2016, 04:08 AM   #6
BetaSpectre
 
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I wish I could provide you with all the things that you need and are missing, for someone who cares for you, and only wants your happiness at heart.

To bring you out to see the world, and what splendor awaits from the clear shimmering skies, to the boundless oceans.

You need to find someone else to be with if your current relationship isn't working out. Find someone, then dump him. You're in a state that just won't ever find nourishment if you stay behind, and might not be sturdy enough for a break with someone you have any emotional attachment to.

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Old 18-05-2016, 04:40 AM   #7
thaneofhyrule
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Just know that we are here for you and we are a family that cares for you and loves you. My inbox is open if you need to talk. <3

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Old 22-05-2016, 02:10 PM   #8
bitomato
 
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Thanks. Right now I am just really angry at myself for not being strong enough. The police blackmailed me/coerced me into not pressing charges now they "cannot find" my report. I am moving so I am trying to tell myself to let go of the fact that things I needed were destroyed in the assault. When I look at my bruises I get more angry at myself.
I feel transient/ homeless because I am moving under duress- last night had to sleep with ear plugs because of noisy neighbours. I relapsed re: self harm- but I didn't tell my new therapist. I did talk about my "new" habit of drinking (one beer with a meal a week ago)- but as I don't have a "drinking problem" they think it is because I never relax so I feel guilty about it.
I still feel suicidal but I don't trust the therapist enough yet.
I have a support worker so I think I can manage my care myself.
I am burnt out beyond recovery but I don't know where to turn. I am afraid that I will make a mistake because of my depression- though I don't know if the revised meds are kicking in yet...





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 23-05-2016, 02:29 AM   #9
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I am really sorry this happened, especially what has happened since.
Do you think you could write it down for the therapist?



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


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Old 24-05-2016, 03:32 AM   #10
bitomato
 
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I am meant to be journaling. However, I can feel myself spiralling unable to focus on doing things in order.....I am so ashamed.
I keep having flash backs. I want to press charges but I am afraid my craziness will come out as the two men did not record their threats etc. only me getting upset.....





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 28-05-2016, 04:21 PM   #11
JumpingJellytots.xD
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I am so sorry this happened to you. It must be a difficult place to be at the moment. I just want to say that having ptsd doesn't make you crazy. It makes you human it's a natural response to having experienced something traumatic.
The world needs you here. It may not seem like a great place to be at the moment. We would all be a such a loss without you. You have a beautiful soul that needs nuturinf and looking after. We can help you do that on ryl. We are only pm or a message away. Please continue to fight your battles. The future will be different, there won't be a quick fix but within time things will begin to change and you will continue to grow into the beautiful person you already are.

Please consider sending one of us an inbox or responding to this thread if you find things too difficult.

Sending strength and love.



Walt Disney
"Even miracles take a little time."
- The Fairy Godmother


"What do you do when things go wrong? Oh! You sing a song!"
- Snow White


"Always let your conscience be your guide." -Pinocchio


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Old 28-05-2016, 10:34 PM   #12
Gaiaphage
 
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Thinking of you xxx



"Weíll behave like a bunch of holier-than-thou hypocrites. Because the alternative is to look at ourselves in the mirror and know that we are capable of dark and terrible things"

"We didn't make this world - we're just the poor fools who are living in it"

"Superpowers don't always make you a superhero"


Michael Grant


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Old 10-06-2016, 12:45 AM   #13
bitomato
 
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Thanks. In a really low place. The person I was seeing used me again, and then was treating me like I was weird because I reached out to "just talk". They are not talking to me now- but this has happened before where they either just turn up at my house or call when they want what they want.....
I want to see it as a blessing but it feels like a rollercoaster I cannot get off.
I want to be able to shut the door in their face or hang up the phone, but I do not believe that I deserve better.

I was trying one last fling with assignments and I am hurting so bad. My anxiety is terrible and I don't want to stay up all night only to fail.





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 12-06-2016, 12:57 PM   #14
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I understand how you are feeling because I was raped and beaten up badly when I was 17 years old and after that I was in a physical, emotional and mentally abusive relationship and because I got pregnant by him I married him. He was brutal. He would choke me until I was almost unconscious then give me a minute to start to recover and start choking me again. He put a gun to my head so I just started screaming and he told me to shut up or else he would kill me but I just screamed even louder which scared him off.
I finally left him and got a divorce which was hard because he was stalking me.
I moved away because the town wasn't big enough for the both of us.
Even after all that trauma I found myself being attracted to abusive men. Looking back on it now I realize that I felt like I didn't deserve a good, kind or decent man. Please get out of this abusive relationship that you are in. You don't deserve being treated like that. It may be a hard choice for you to make and it will be scary but you have to love yourself even though you think that you hate yourself. Love, patience, compassion and inner strength are the qualities that you are seeking. You can have them all. Each day do something nice for someone and you will be amazed at how much better you feel. You are loved. Never forget that sweetheart. You are going to pull through this rough patch. Just be strong even though I know how weak you feel. The world is a better place with you in it. I'm begging you please don't give up the fight sister. With love and strength, Lori.

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Old 09-07-2016, 07:42 PM   #15
bitomato
 
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Thanks. I realise that I believe that I don't deserve to be respected or loved and another part of me thinks the longer the interaction goes on a positive connection will emerge. But he is emotionally manipulative everytime.

I am in the grips of severe depression and I am ashamed to call on him because he sees me as a friend with benefits- even if there is no friendship.
I keep hoping the ground will swallow me up.
And I keep dismissing the fact that I am always injured when he leaves.
I guess I am disassociating and my friends are getting tired of telling me to keep my distance from him.





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 15-07-2016, 10:51 AM   #16
bitomato
 
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I am having a sleepless night as I started worrying again. I am out of meds so I guess I thought I was coping but there are no anti depressants in stock. I am so angry. But all I can do is wait as the hospital is not an option. I thought I did not need the increased meds but maybe I am sleeping a lot because I am dealing with too much. I am adjusting to my new place but seeing family for who they are is upsetting. I am asking for help but realise I have friends who are too distant when it matters. I need to be stronger alone.





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 17-07-2016, 08:52 AM   #17
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Is there some other pharmacy or place you can go to get those meds on shorter notice? I'm sorry you are stuck in this place I'm sure it does not feel good :( Just know that me and other random strangers really do care about what happens to you without knowing anything at all about you. You have value, you are on this earth for a reason and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (by others AND by yourself - I have to remind myself of the latter constantly).

None of us is 'stronger' alone. That is the very nature of being a human being, a naturally social creature. I know it is not as comforting to hear through a strangers text, but we are real people who are really thinking about you and hoping all is well and that you are able to fend off your demons. I don't have friends I can talk to about my issues at all so even if your friends are not near at least you have those friends at all - that is significant. Can you call or e-mail with them?

Wish you the best and please keep us posted. You are stronger than you think - alone or not.

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Old 20-07-2016, 05:04 AM   #18
bitomato
 
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It seems like I have nerve damage possibly from the assault. I feel angry at myself and realise I fight too much. I live in fear of ppl knowing my mental health history and of running out of meds. I feel really ill and scared. I need to do a lot of medical tests as it is getting worse in terms of pain and one of the courses of treatment gave me a severe allergic reaction. I am trying not to fight but I keep feeling overwhelmed and just angry.





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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Old 20-07-2016, 10:49 AM   #19
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I'm so sorry all this has happened. I'm low on words but thinking of you x

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Old 26-07-2016, 12:47 AM   #20
bitomato
 
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Thanks. My meds are available but I was too sleepy to travel to collect them and I have a big opportunity tomorrow. Didn't sleep at all yesterday and dealing with severe anxiety and suicidal ideation. Having trouble focusing.
I have never been so depressed for so long. Hopefully things will get better.
I keep crying all the time.





~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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