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Old 07-08-2012, 09:57 PM   #1
Leni
 
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It's quite possible that I'm going to cut myself to ribbons with a knife tonight. I'm trying to delay it for a little while. ls there anybody around?


Last edited by Leni : 07-08-2012 at 10:20 PM. Reason: sp


And the illusion of love is the only promise of defence, and even that will crumble.

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Old 07-08-2012, 10:08 PM   #2
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Can you tell us what's led to you feeling this way?

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Old 07-08-2012, 10:20 PM   #3
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Thank you. It's familiar, I know what I'm supposed to do but I don't want to. Work I think - I've had some time off and going back well, I feel sick with dread and I want to tear myself into pieces. It takes everything I have to keep the stupid ****ing job and I don't know how much longer I can do it. If I stop work I'll be agoraphobic within no time.Seems like there is no way of things getting better so why I'm I doing this? Why not do what I want to myself while the aggession is there to do it right? Maybe



And the illusion of love is the only promise of defence, and even that will crumble.

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Old 07-08-2012, 10:27 PM   #4
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What's the job like?
I understand the fear of completely isolating yourself - I've been there, and it's still a concern.
What never seems to get better?

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Old 08-08-2012, 09:48 AM   #5
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How're you doing today?

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Old 08-08-2012, 05:16 PM   #6
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Hey, sorry I haven't replied 'til now. I realise my posts are hard to respond to, I don't think I'm very good at communciating my problems to other people at all, or asking for help, or even knowing what help I want. I appreciate your replies. I lost it a little last night, wanted to talk about things but couldn't get to trying to put the 'work' stuff into words. I had a horrible struggle with myself last night - I can be quite violent to myself so can take meds to minimise the damage. Made myself take them in the end, and then tried to do as much damage as I could before they kicked in ... ridiculous

So tomorrow I'm back in work, sore and sedated. Not the best way to be going back but it could've been worse. The problem is complicated. I used to enjoy the job, and it gave me a little bit of self-esteem. The company is really stuggling though, and there is the constant feeling that what I do is never good enough. I know it's not just me who feels this way, but for various reasons I feel it in a much more extreme way than my colleagues. It triggers a lot of things in me. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel inadequate, uselss, pathetic, overwhelmed with self-hatred. I'm not in any fit state to change jobs, and if I give it up I'm frightened I'll become agoraphobic. I'm frightened of everything, all the time, and it just saps all the pleasure out of life. I know I feel exhausted today because of last night, and the drugs I'm taking (prescribed) but generally, I don't know, I'm exhausted by it all.



And the illusion of love is the only promise of defence, and even that will crumble.

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Old 08-08-2012, 05:26 PM   #7
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I really do understand what you describe about never feeling quite good enough, especially at work, and the deep feelings of inadequacy it can bring up. I know what it's like to feel vulnerable to these feelings.

Try to hold onto the fact that you ARE good enough.

It's like, folks like us don't need to attack ourselves, we need to gradually build up more of a sense of self so we have more inner security so it feels the world attacks us less. It's a kind of protection out of that vicious angry painful circle.

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