CMHT have abandoned me, cant cope

[Unbreakable.]

I hope you can stay safe & that work is going alright ❤

[chinahorse]

Work was amask fit test. I passed. About half didnt. I've got a lot of anxiety about going back to work if and when it happens.

I planned to burn today. But I didnt buy the stuff.

I want to self harm so so badly. I need to. To delay the bad things. To atone. I need the pain to escape the anxiety.

I'm trying to keep going. I arranged to meet my mum this afternoon instead of cutting and going to a and e. And a friend wants to come and see me tomorrow.

I hate that i want to self harm so much. I'm so sick of spending all day not self harming.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm low on words, sorry; But I wanted to say how brave it is of you to arrange to meet your mum/seeing your friend tomorrow instead of self-harming. That shows such courage and I'm proud of you. <3

[one_step_closer]

It is a hard fight but I can hear that you're doing all that you can to stay safe, and that is really great in the midst of all this stuff. I know it can get annoying (for want of a better word) feeling like you're spending all your time trying not to self harm but maybe you could try and focus on the positives you are doing and let self harming eventually become something that you feel you need to think less about. You are doing so great even if you can't see it.

[chinahorse]

I'm such a failure.

Is anyone in a place to gently but firmly tell me that I'm ok to go to a and e? That the wound is bad enough now and not to make it worse.

The bus is 13.45. I feel like I need someone to say I'm allowed to go.

I also need encouragement to shower and put on clothing.

[Harley]

Of course it's more than okay - in fact you definitely should. Bus at 1:45 gives you good time to get sorted, so get to it I say :)

Really hope it goes well, let us know

[tamobhuuta]

I agree with Harley - good luck.

[chinahorse]

Thanks guys. Been a struggle but am nearly at the bus stop now.

[Harley]

Great! Hopefully with clothes on and preferably showered!


Best of luck

[chinahorse]

Yes to both. My retirement tourist town would probably call an emergency council comittee meeting if I didnt. And I dont think theyve done that since someone vandalised their flowerbeds once.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Well done on getting to the bus stop :) Hope it goes okay at A&E

[chinahorse]

Thank you.

I feel so fragile mentally.

[nonperson]

Do you know what would help, at least in this moment, to make you feel stronger?

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Here for you <3

[chinahorse]

Doctor is a horrible person and I think I might actually burst into tears.

[Harley]

What happened?

[Unbreakable.]

Sending love ❤

Sorry the doctor wasn't any good.
Do you want to tell us what happened?

[chinahorse]

Read questions off a piece of paper without looking at me. Did not talk to me at all during closing the wound. Was very hesitant closing the wound, as in hesitant dont know what doing hesitant. Did nothing about the fact the wound was bleeding down my leg. Ripped off other dressings without asking me, ignored the wounds underneath were infected. Stuck new dressings to the staples and stitches themselves so how I will get that off without pulling out staples and stitches I dont know. And kept putting bloody gauze on my clothing. And then her boss came to look at the staples. And said refer it to psych. So I said thank you I'm going now. Doctor ran after me and said she had more questions and I shouted at her. Now am waiting for the bus.i feel worse than before.

[Unbreakable.]

That sounds horrific.
I am angry they treated you that way.

I hope you are going to be home soon.

Do you think you can do something relaxing for the rest of the day and take things slow?
Be kind to yourself ❤

[Harley]

Oh geez that's terrible to hear - sounds like you were really unlucky in who you saw. Makes me very angry too, I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. They really should know a lot better than that...



As Lana said, try and take things easy today and take care of yourself, maybe do something to spoil yourself - you sure do deserve it!