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Old 09-05-2019, 05:22 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2019
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If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you so much.

Hello people of reddit this is a very long post and I understand many of you will not read it, but I hope a lot of you do. I have a lot to say and will try to keep things as simple as possible and work through them fast to give you the best understanding of myself that I can, essentially I want to summarize the entirety of my life in a few paragraphs.
I am currently 21, I turn 22 in June, I am currently employed and have been working for the same company for the past 4 years, I live with my mom, I have approximately $5000 in debt, the only asset I own is my car which is worth approximately $7000.

Throughout my childhood I had rough experiences living with both my mother and father who were separated as long as I was old enough to understand the situation, my mom has severe bipolar disorder and this led to a ton of mental abuse when I was younger, up until about age 13 I was fairly happy, but once I hit my teenage years I began to grasp a good understanding of when things were not okay and what was going on.

At this age I really started to rebel and although I was always a trouble maker I did hold excellent grades as well as test scores, actually well above average. I was involved in a lot of sports and activities, I decided I wanted to do what I wanted to do so I stopped all of these and just skateboarded, I stopped focusing as much on school once I got into middle school, I ended up actually getting world records in skateboarding and had an amazing passion for it, however my school life suffered tremendously, from the mental abuse from my mother, physical/mental from my father when I went to see him I ended up doing terrible in my first middle school year, however I passed because of my excellent test scores... I skipped a lot of school (probably 50%), the next year of middle school I got expelled for "assaulting" a school staff member. This put me one year behind in school, which I quickly made up through an outreach school for troubled teens.

The situation persisted all the way to high school, I would skip a LOT of school and only show up for the major tests resulting in me passing the grade, come time for high school is where things started to change a LOT, my first year I spent half of it living with my mom, doing the same thing... skipping a lot and then passing the required tests, we got into many arguments and eventually I decided to live with my dad as my primary place to live, this obviously came with a change in schooling, I finished and passed my first year of high school and moved onto my next, 3 quarters through doing the same cycle skipping and passing what tests i needed, I went to a family thing with my mother and father in Alabama, I got into a huge fight with my mom/dad and decided to run away, leave everything. I walked from Alabama to Nashville (some 300 miles).

I hitch hiked and walked a LOT of the distance, somewhere along the lines I was picked up while hitch hiking by a young man who at the time I would say was maybe 23 or so, when he picked me up he struck a conversation about what I was doing my age everything, he was very christian, he offered me a place to stay to rest and even bought me food, I stayed with them for a couple of days and refused to allow them to reach out to my mom/dad but did give him information for my sister who lived much further north in Florida than my family who resided in Orlando, they drove me all the way from TN to FL to be with my sister, who I then stayed with, this was the happiest I had been in the longest time living with my sister.

Not long into this a new and big chapter of my life began, while living with my sister I was dropped out of school as she had no authority to enroll me without my parents permission who I refused to have anything to do with, I would always be on social media, still connected to my old friends I had left behind, I posted something on Twitter, in which a person I knew tagged his friend (a girl) because the tweet related to her I guess, I ended up talking to this girl privately this was July 4th of 2013.

She lived in the Orlando area, we talked all the way until September/October of 2013, sometime around September I moved in with my brother and grandfather in Orlando and started back in high school. Just weeks after living there I made the decision to meet up with this girl who I had been talking to for all this time, I was young at the time, only 16 years old where as she was 15.

We met at the movies, and had an instant connection that first night, I ended up going with her and sneaking into her house and we just layed all night together cuddling, watching paranormal activity and other shows on netflix, I can still remember every vivid detail of that night and the feelings that were surging through my body, when I left in the morning sneaking out of the back of her house she kissed me. I left that day feeling the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, and to this day nothing has matched the feeling or spark she started in me that night.

This night started a wildfire and thus my first REAL relationship was born, over the course of the next few months we became deeply attached and made every effort between each other to see each other as much as possible, I stopped going to school almost all together, she would steal her parents cars to come and see me and we would lay in the back of her parents van by a lake near my brothers house and just watch shows, kiss, learn things about each other, talk and just be completely transparent with each other.

Our relationship continued, and we had some small issues starting out and moving through the first year, but nothing crazy, we had true feelings for each other and always managed to work things out, I don't know when it happened as it was all so natural and unforced but I ended up falling in love with this girl, I fell for her with everything I was, every moment apart was not one I would have made my own decision to be in, I wanted to be by her side whenever I could, I was finally truly happy, I spent a lot of time thinking back on the past few years prior to meeting her and how much has changed and I was able to see that life isn't so bad, someone as broken as me was able to be this happy and genuine because I found someone who actually cares, someone without a blood relation that LOVED me and wanted great things to happen for me.

Among these nights that we would spend several times a week in her van by the lake we both lost our virginity to each other, a night I will never forget as I don't feel many people get to say that they lost their virginity to someone they were completely in love with or had built such a strong attachment to.

We became official on 10/24/2013, a date I will never forget, and always hold strong ties to emotionally, a part of me however never wants to see another 10/24 date in my lifetime...

I would sneak over to her house a lot as well, we would take the local city bus which connected our two cities only 30 minutes apart, we explored each others bodies and minds, I learned so much about her in such a little time and became accepting to every part of who she was and so did she with me. We ended up getting caught by her father one night which resulted in the inevitable where we had to come clean about us dating!

Later I moved and lived with my mom again and from here I started looking for options to better my life as I was 17 and was not enrolled in school or did I had any job, I started my first job at Winn-Dixie which is a grocery store here in Florida, while living here I decided to sneak my girlfriend over, it felt so freeing to rebel and sneak around with her. I don't remember when but at some point we decided it was time to introduce her to my mother, which went well and my mom was very excepting and even allowed her to come over, sleep over with due time.

From here things were basically pretty stagnant and the relationship progressed, we learned more about each other every little detail... I continued my job at Winn-Dixie and come time for my 18th birthday, June 19th, 2015, I had to move out, this was agreed between me and my mom that the day I turned 18 I would move out, I looked and found a room at an apartment with a room mate closer to where she lives, I moved in here and a lot of the days she would sleep over with me, we couldn't get enough of each other.... any moments we were apart I just wanted to be with her, I can't speak from her point of view but in the moment everything felt mutual. I stayed living at this apartment for a few months until she mentioned to me that she was working for a company that paid a little bit better and because she was only able to work there during the summers that she could maybe get me in to take her place...

I ended up getting this job as a 1099... I work full normal weeks and make $420.00 per week, along with this job her parents offered me to live with her and her parents for only $250.00 a month, living with her at first was the best experience I had ever had, we were always together and got so much time and privacy with each other, we both genuinely enjoyed this, her parents would take us on Ski/Snowboarding trips as well as trips to Marblehead in the summer, they were honestly better than my real family, and I wish they knew how much I appreciate all the things they did for me and the opportunities they gave me in life.

At this point we had been together for over 2 years, the next years to come she would start college, and began to do so great in it, I was so proud to see her doing well, she was really becoming exactly who she wanted to do and doing everything in life she wanted, but me on the other hand I just kept working at this job, I did get my GED (with the help of her father who constantly pressured me, thanks by the way), but other than that I didn't do anything, I thought about schooling and what I could do for a career path and I just flaked out on everything, I was scared to fail, I was scared to not be good enough for her, she was already making moves in college at an amazing school and had such a good future to look forward to but the only thing I cared about was being with her, I didn't want to think about the future and I definitely didn't want to dive into something I was unsure about and then just fail and have her see me be so useless.

I started blowing through money in what I will call my young life crisis, I bought several motorcycles, and a various amount of other stupid things just to give me something "fun" to keep me happy outside of the genuine happiness that she provided for me. I became stuck in this cycle all the way until late 2018 where things started to fall apart, from about mid 2017 or so I noticed things were off with us, I would ask her what was wrong and would always get the response everything is fine, or things would be bad and then return to normal so it wouldn't get brought up again, come 2018 and things were seriously messed up, she seemed detached, we didn't feel like this bright amazing thing we had used to be, we would become easily irritated with each other, pointless fights and so many nights spent mad at each other when we could of just held each other and been happy, I don't blame her for these nights as I feel the root of everything wrong was due to me and my lack of ambition, I wish I had made those risks to better my career path and start schooling, I wish I wasn't so afraid to make those jumps even if failure was a possibility because maybe it could have helped things work out, maybe I would have done great. Maybe it was this lack of ambition and vicious circle of going nowhere that pushed her away from me and made her not see a future for us together. With these drastic changes to our chemistry and how things were going in the relationship I developed severe anxiety, jealousy, and all around insecure behaviors, I would snoop and always be curious who she talks to or who she texts, eventually I would catch her in lies, she would talk to people and say its because of (x) reason and then later be revealed to be completely different, cover lies with more lies.

I found these lies later to be because she was no longer in love with me, whatever feelings she had once had were no longer there, I don't know how long she suffered being with me just out of fear of hurting me, I don't know what else she has told me that was untrue just to protect my feelings, late 2018 we had what was the biggest turning point in our relationship, she has openly told me directly that she longer believes she is in love with me, she doesn't know how she feels or if she wants to be with me anymore, she wants to be alone. I am still living with her and at this point I am stuck with a decision, do I move out and hurt myself emotionally for the chance that maybe us having a break and not living together anymore will help our relationship? Or do I stay and let things continuously get worse just so that I can be comforted by her touch and presence even knowing that her feelings for me have long receded.

I made the decision to move out and live with my mom... again.. from here things actually started to look up for a few months, we saw each other less, but the time we spent together felt so much better than before, we were able to miss each other as we would lay in separate beds, unable to just be there for each other at any split second. Sexually, and mentally everything started to be so much better, I was still dealing with some insecurities but trying to get over them and better myself, I started to make decisions to better my life, I had always owned just motorcycles as transport, I loved them they were a passion of mine, I sold it for a more practice car, I started to think about new jobs, school how I could incorporate these into my life, I started to see that future for us and for myself that I had never seen before. Even with all this her mind was going through the motions completely differently, I never know exactly what she was feeling in these moments, and I never asked her.

March 1st, 2019, I was sitting at home, I went on snap chat and noticed that she was at her college pretty late, around 11, this was odd for her because for the longest time I was with her staying out late didn't happen often when I lived with her if at all, I tried to text her and talk and got no reply or a reply very late, I had a pretty bad anxiety attack and started assuming the worse, following all of me moving out, her not being in love, the lies I had caught her in, she must be cheating right? Horrible thoughts consumed me and I ended up cutting myself that night, by the time she got back to me she explained that she was only hanging out with friends and that her phone had some issue (which is did the service would cut in out and completely for periods of time). I felt so stupid, this is the night that she said she could no longer be with me.

The next day I begged and pleaded with her to talk to me, to let me see her, she reluctantly agreed, I saw her and we talked, I cried a lot and was really feeling the worst I had ever in the longest time, I understand why she broke up with me, but it didn't make me feel any better about the situation or hate myself any less or feel any less hurt. After I left that day I became very very suicidal, and unfortunately I threatened her with these suicidal thoughts, eventually our contact had to cease and I was bordering on the choice of slitting my own throat, I called my mom and broke down to her, she came and picked me up and talked to my now ex's parents, she stopped talking to me, and I began to just go into severe depression and having mental breakdowns, I would text her constantly just wanting a reply, wanting help or some way to understand what I was feeling, I just wanted her to say everything would be okay, I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that had become this chapter in my life, I became full on crazy, I knew her life and decided it was a smart thing to do to wait for her to feed her horses at her barn, I took off work not only for mental reasons but to wait here for her to talk, we talked about things and I felt better, she promised that it wouldn't be goodbye forever but that we both needed to focus on ourselves, that day she kissed me and I still don't know if it was out of pity or guilt or why but she did.

I told her I would stop talking to her and focus on myself and I tried that for a few days, but I still basically stalked her on social media and began to see things that really hurt my feelings, she was so happy, why did this hurt my feelings? it is all that I ever wanted was to see her be happy, but me being broken and seeing her seemingly so happy without me just shattered me, I out lashed at her, the threats and anger and sadness came back all in an instant, I would blame her for being with someone else and that it had to be that because why else would 5 years with someone be thrown away so fast and for her to be so happy?

This spiraled into me basically being crazy towards her, suicidal threats again and other non sense, she made the decision to block me on everything, I had no way of contact, I started making new phone numbers with an app just to contact her, just to get a response, using threats (suicide) just for her to reply so I could feel less empty for even a second.

Time moved although very slowly and as depressed as I was I got through the next few weeks, I had a falling out with my mother and moved out to a room mate mid march, I spent $1200 moving in here, at this point me and her had talked again, but agreed it was only as friends, I somehow convinced her to see me again, as friends. I told her that it wouldn't hurt me, and that it would make me feel better and that I could handle it.

When I saw her things felt good, I was happy and I did feel better when seeing her, it was like having the whole world right next to you, just looking at her in person made me radiate true happiness, however come time for these days to end, when she would go back home and I would be alone again, I would break down, I would even cry to her and express how much pain and hurt I was in. I didn't want to pressure her with this but she was the ONLY one that helped in anyway to make me feel better, she told me how there was nothing else she could do, and she wishes there was but she just couldn't.
I ran into money issues and had to move back with my mom, I knew staying there paying rent would put me in a hole I'd never escape, while living with my mom one day I was texting my ex and she all of a sudden just told me that she couldn't talk to me anymore, I needed to get better and that she couldn't be there to help me anymore, she blocked me.

After this I went directly back to my old ways, mental breakdown, threatening her, using apps to text her, anything I could possible do for her to reply, I would go as far to tell her I would just come to her house to talk, or wait for her at her barn where she goes regularly, I was desperate and knew no boundaries. This continued on for a couple weeks, basically her ignoring me until she finally responded due to my threats, I would say what I felt was needed to be said and told her I would finally leave her alone, only to breakdown just days later and contact her again..

This ended very recently when she finally told me something that completely shattered me, and has been the hardest thing to deal with, when we had first broken up she said how she wanted to focus on herself and didn't want to be with anyone, she also told me focusing on herself meant she wouldn't be having sex with anyone either, it made me feel terrible making these assumptions that she just wanting to be with other people or that she had already cheated on me, and she expressed that to me as well.

I still don't know how true this is, but she ended up telling me how after we had broken up she had already been with other guys, and that it made her feel better. I felt betrayed, her lies had come to surface I felt like I didn't know her anymore, how could she do this so fast it had only been two months, I was still broken and couldn't even begin to fathom as much as talking to someone else for comfort..

After she told me this I asked her to see me one last time in person, the last time for closure, I had things I wanted to ask her in person where they couldn't be avoided as easy over text, where I could see expressions and body language. I met with her and asked all the questions I needed to come the end of this conversation I was still sad, crying it appears she was finally being honest about everything, she was done and ready for her life to have a fresh start, I couldn't leave I sat in her car with her and she begged me to get out and just leave her alone, I was frozen I didn't want to leave, because I knew the moment I did that there would never be another day I got to see her face, she began to cry and breakdown, saying how she just wants to live her life and that she has thought about just leaving the state and changing her name and who she is to escape. This tore me apart, I had became a monster towards her, this was a person I would give my life for and anything to see happy, and now that she was making moves to becoming happy I was holding her back, why would I do this? I finally decided to get out of her car, I told her goodbye, and I got in my car, I drove off and the moment just a mile down the road I completely broke I yelled, I kept yelling and I cried I cut myself, I looked to the gun I had brought with me that day and I picked it up, I thought about the benefits of what this would do, I could free her, free myself, I would no longer be a burden for my family, I held that gun in my hand and really considered everything I was doing in that moment, I decided not to take my life as I sat in my car in that moment, there were too many people I owed things to. I got a storage place and I stashed the gun there, and as of right now that gun is still there, I keep the 1 bullet for myself with me at all times in case the day comes where I need to make amends.

I texted her the next day back in my own ways, and as the day progressed things started to change, I thought back to her crying begging me to let her go, I texted her one last time and told her how I supported what she was doing, and that if she believes it will make her happy then I want her to do it, I told her how I would always be there emotionally for her even though this was a lie as I know I am not going to be here long, I wished her an amazing life and that was it, that was my last message to her on 4/27.

Since then I have thought about all the ways I could have been better and done so much better things in my life to prevent where it is now, I had opportunities to get a great education, and live that beautiful life with the person I fell in love with, the love of my life, she still is the love of my life, the one that got away. I regret more than anything the amount of emotional trauma that I made her carry, she told me through this breakup how badly she wanted things to work, and that she tried to fix me, she did everything right, and did so much with love until she just couldn't anymore, I began to take my toll on her and she made the right decision looking for something better.

She leaves for a 3 month trip soon and I plan on making the biggest decision of my life, whether all of this is really worth it, or whether my mistakes have just cost too much and at this point there's nothing left to do, I do not see a world where my emotions subside, and that terrifies me because I feel if they take over I will try to reach out to her and reconnect only to cause her and myself more pain, would it not be better to just take my life and know that I have bettered hers?

As of now I am stuck in the same situation I have been for 4 years, I have a lot of debt, I am at the same job, I live with my mom, I wish I could just drop my entire life I have here and leave, but unfortunately I do not have the funds to do so. I am tired of living in this permanent state of regret, I truly hate myself and all the choices I have made the past 6 years, I refuse to spend much longer of my life in this state, I had a taste of the purest form of happiness and with that being stripped away due to my terrible life decisions it seems that my time has come and gone, I live in a shell within myself, empty, alone. Nobody truly cares or sees the pain that I am in because I have done so well at hiding it, I throw on a fake smile when I am at work or talk to people, I tell my parents and siblings that everything is okay and that I am not going to kill myself even though I know that not to be true, I just don't have the heart to tell the people I care about that I no longer want to carry on with my life, I want to be free. I want to make a single right decision for once in my life.

Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 26-05-2019 at 09:11 PM. Reason: please see your PMs
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Old 18-05-2019, 01:45 PM   #2
I always have a choice
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Sorry to hear you're in a such a bad place at the moment. Killing yourself would 100% not be a 'right decision' though. Doing that would only remove all of the potential of moving forward from here and finding a new happiness.

I believe that you truly loved this girl but I also believe that there is more than one person that we can love. Yes, you need to sort yourself out first but after that there's no reason why you won't find someone else who you have that connection with and who makes you happy.

I also think that you do know that the way you behaved towards her after the breakup wasn't acceptable, but that it came from you being in a bad place rather than any intention of causing her distress so perhaps don't judge yourself too harshly for that.

Please reach out to someone in your family or to a professional about how bad you are feeling. Give them a chance to try to help you through this.

We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult

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Old 20-05-2019, 10:19 PM   #3
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Hi I just wanted to say that I read your post, and I get it. Please give yourself time to heal it may take a while and you may need help to do it. Please take this time for yourself and give yourself a break. Its true that we are our own hardest critic.

Mand x

Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.

Mand x

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Old 27-05-2019, 03:20 AM   #4
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I'm sorry that you're going through so much turmoil and I read everything that you said and just feel sad. I hope that you can find some purpose in your life that doesn't involve depending on another person to bring you happiness. Yes it's vital to our lives to have people in our lives and we also have to be comfortable living with our own self before other people can be comfortable around us. It may take a lot of soul-searching and a lot of therapy and it's worth it. I'm sorry that you feel this way and I hope that you can find some support and reasons to live. Try to take care of yourself. Maybe if she sees you focusing on healing yourself and getting better to the extent that you're not scaring her then maybe she'll return to you sometime. I hope none of this sounds judgmental because it's not meant to I just want to give you some support and hopefully some friendly advice from a much older person .

I am still me no matter what SIZEor shape I am!

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