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Old 19-09-2014, 04:33 AM   #1
Leigha_Cross_x_
 
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: U.S.A.
I am currently:
Contains abuse - I don`t want to live it.

Tonight I was told, "You mean nothing to me." by my parental. I`ve been drinking, and harming... Why was I brought into this horrible life if my fate was only to suffer? I have been having multiple memories so I will just pick one, and type about it.

I remember the first time I did role reversal. I was 12 years old. Dad had to leave for a few months due to hi job. Mom was laying on the couch drinking like always. I remembercoming home from school, and seeing herlaying there. I would cook dinner, but she wouldn`t eat it. So I did. That was the first time I had to eat alone. Which stayed that way. Anyway. After making dinner I quickly learned to clean up after myself. I could barely eat an entire meal so I would put leftovers on the plates I could reach. Since I could not reach the storage containers. Whenever they got thrown out I had to make just enough for me, or eat everything.
'Do not go into the room mom is in.' I remember that from when I was little. It was a rule I made up, and fallowed. Though I was bad, and broke it sometimes. I would always ask her if she was hungry...or needed anything... If she wasn`t sleeping then I would get yelled at to leave her alone. My daily routine was to wake up, take care of the dog, get ready, go to school, come home, clean the house, make food, take care of the dog, and moms needs{if needed}, shower, and do homework untill I passed out from staying up to late doing homework.
I remember joining clubs after school so I wouldn`t have to go home. That just ment less time to get stuff done. I was in a math club after school once. I was frusterated from doing what I already knew, considering most of it was review. So the group leader said I didn`t have to go to the sessions that I already knew. I took this time to not go home. I would hang out at the library, or at the store. State competition was coming up so I decided to go, and review what we had to do at state. When I walkd in the teacher pushed me out by my chest, and closed the door. He told me I was no longer on the team, and I wasn`t allowedto come back. I was shattered. I walked out of the building fighting tears, and just cried into a book at the library as quiet as I could. I stopped the tears before I got home. My team mates were upset, but the group leader specifically told them not to let me do the group work or let me know where practice was being held.
In time mom wanted to know where state was being held. She said she wanted to go, and see me go to state. I was at a loss for words. I just said the truth. I told her I was kicked off the team. She was furious. She asked me where I had been after school all this time. I tolld her the library...studying... She didn`t believe me. I was in deep trouble. I don`t remember my punishment, or what happend, but I remember that I was then watched very closely. She took me to school, and brought me home. I was closely watched. She made sure I went nowhere.
In school I made a mistake friend. I eventually started living at her house many days of the week. It was a big difference staying there instead of my house. It was just her, and her mom. Hermom left frequently to gamble. She made it very clear, and enforced the keep everything locked rule while she was gone to the extreme. We practiced leaving the house, and fake calling for help if someone ever broke in. Her mom even cooked us dinner. Cooked us dinner? That is special treatment I only get if dad comes home. Well this didn`t last. Things would pile up, and I had alot of work to do when I got home. I was also yelled at, and punished.
Good times didn`t last. My mistake friend ended up liking me... More then a friend should. She held me in strange ways. She wanted to show me what was under her shirt if I showed her what was under mine. She showed me anyway, and tried taking my shirt off. I wouldn`t let her. I remember her mom telling us she would let us have our privacy, and left us. Sometimes she would be gone fr a few days. When that happend I would go home. Mom would get mad. She would say, "I thought you were spending the night at your friends?" I couldn`t tell her the truth. So I would make up a lie. Saying her dad came home from work, and I left so she could spend time with him. She believed me. I didn`t spend as much time at my mistake friends house anymore. If I did it was around other children. I made sure of that.
Dad came home after a few months of being away. I wish he could stay home all the time. Mom acts differently when he does. I wonder why. She said she does everything, and says I am always out making friends, and when I do come home I do nothing. I was forced to lie to. I guess this is why I grew up to be a compulsive truth teller. I also had to lie about the math team. She told him that I made it to state, and did good. That out team placed, and we didn`t win anything.{The team actually placed 5th at state, and won nothing.} He was so proud. He said I would do better next year. Soon after the team was disbanded, and didn`t do it again since the teacher no longer wanted to do it. I felt bad for being forced to lie... Eather way this was my life, and nothing could be done. I was forced to live it. I don`t want to live like this anymore... I hope someone helps me...

Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I just ramble about unimportant crap. I will try to stop. Sorry.



You can`t recover until you accept that you have the problem,
have the will to change,
and do what needs to be done.

I survived, and recovered eating disorders.

Be as strong as you can. Tomorrow brings hope.


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