Hi Uglyducklin - STOP! STOP and breathe... you are experiencing heightened fear and anxiety and your head is spinning, flooding your mind with thoughts and images that you think you can't control. BUT, you can, and best of all you WILL! I can tell you the abuse you suffered is not your fault and you are worth so much, until I am blue in the face, but I don't think that is going to make a difference. I would like to say that that is true though, you have been made uniquely, you have a purpose in life and you may not think that is true but I personally believe that and one day you will look back and see that these tragic circumstances have led to you being the strong woman that you are. You will come through this. You have to believe it. What you are experiencing is temporary and although has been happening for many years of your life, you WILL be able to cope with it.
When I say stop and breathe, I mean it, it sounds as though you have had some therapy and I wonder if anyone has done some meditation stuff with you, just focusing on your breathing, nothing else, just listening to your lungs fill with air and exhale. This is a way to start learning how to control the thoughts so that when they start flooding your mind, you attack them by deciding you will not give them any time, and instead concentrate on your breathing, and that alone.
I know this is all easier said than done, really I do. But just try it and see if it helps, deal with the issues later, just work on trying to contain your thought processes. You are so precious and so loved, you have a unique purpose and a life of joy ahead of you, your future is bright and exciting, there are friends coming your way and partners, this will unfold for you and is sooo exciting, you're just going through a bumpy patch at the moment and the best thing to do is get help, which you are doing, so you're doing all the right things, Well done.
Sorry this is long....
Last edited by I'mlistening : 09-05-2014 at 12:22 AM.
Reason: short version
I'mlistening what a beautiful message. I really hope its true. I just get inpatient with myself for not getting the grounding techniques but I will keep trying. I will definitely keep in mind all that you have said. I'm trying to break things down when I feel overwhelmed and just manage the guilt. I will see how I get on today. Thank you for your support. I can't face this I'm pathetic I supposed to meet someone today to talk about things, about what would have been my dissertation but discussing doing it anyway even if I'm not doing my degree which feels scary. I can't concentrate I just want to go up to town and walk and not think and not talk. But I can't let the person down so I'm going. I just feel huge and I can't cope I'm sorry.
Last edited by Uglyducklin : 09-05-2014 at 08:53 AM.
Just feel lost and broken. Flooded with new memories. Some I can't discuss because the main focus of therapy are the instances when I was young not when I was older. But it bothers me too my body aches and I feel myself fight for air when his hands grasped my neck :( but it's the only event with a date a date during an event that happens every year and it's on the tv and my friends discuss but I must hold my. Secrets. I still haven't done the homework can't face more guilt and more shame. I wish there was no flesh on my bones. I'm sorry I shouldn't post.
Going to see the person you said you would is GOOD!!! Seriously, even in the worst, depressive moments, that's when you have to do the things that you really don't want to do like meet people, get out of the house etc etc. This is what will see you through and out the other end. Trust me! You are doing super well Uglyducklin (I wish you'd change your name - that could be the start of the new you?!). Don't forget to reward yourself (like verbally or just feel happy with yourself) when you've completed mini tasks like these, they are difficult in the down times, but if you do them, you are beating this thing. SERIOUSLY!!!
You really are doing all the right things. Hang on in there, think about the future, tell yourself you're beautiful even if you don't think it. Evidence proves that even saying these things (regardless of whether you think it or not) actually makes a difference. Listen to youtube self-esteem meditations as you fall asleep to counteract the negative messages, fill your head with loving, positive messages. Do you have an ipad or iphone? Download bbc app and read the news, see what's going on around you, become part of the world again, not just your own world (I'm not saying this in a negative way, but it helps you to step out of the moment).
Keep going, you're doing so well!!!
Aw thank you I'mlistening I couldn't face it I felt too physically unwell the virus I did go out somewhere not so far he was nearly two hours travel plus being there for a few hours. Next week I will man up and go I know it will do me good I think some of it is I'm ill anyway and it's making it worse. I feel a little better physically at least today. I just don't know I understand boundaries are necessary but therapy is so boundaried it's hard to even ask questions ! I don't know if I can raise it I feel the other things from when I was very young mean I can't share the rape when I was older that affected me differently. I just feel like everything it's collapsing in on me I don't know if I can even here good things about me sorry I'm so useless I'mlistening but I will try. Thank you for your kindness.
Do what you can- tiny steps if you need, but you're already doing so well. It's hard to hear the good, but in all honesty every message you write on here is so full of compassion it really must be there in you. Hope you're feeling a little better and can rest up ready for next week
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Hun I'm just in knots of anxiety and feel really huge and out of control. I want to talk to my mum but I can't find the words. I feel suffocated by my filth and flab. I hate myself nothing people suggest is working. I'm so useless.
I've woken up still, tired and muscles are tense I feel like I've been running in my sleep. I just want to run I'm volunteering tomorrow at puppy training which means giving a talk and I'm scared I will mess it up as always. More memories have come back and I can't face my therapy homework and both appointments feel so far away and I know it's pathetic to rely on people but I can't do it alone anymore. I can't hold my secrets anymore. Any ideas of how to get through the next few days? I'm sorry I feel low on cope at the moment. :(
How do you stop the screaming in your head? It's loud and I can't think and I'm supposed to eat but I'm fat so I shouldn't and swallowing is horrid. I really want to talk to my mum but I don't think she gets it I want to talk not be distracted! I feel dirty and like an ever expanding blob, nothing feels like it can be contained not my flesh especially not my flesh but my feelings and emotions too. I'm fat and selfish and I shouldn't complain. I'm sorry.
Thanks Hun. It was ok I still feel I did badly though. I just feel in bits and on top of the memories I'm scared the food is poisonous it was in the car for four hours, I don't want mum to be ill or to be ill stupid I know. I just feel it's all collapsing in on me. I just don't know anymore. I really don't . I hope your day went ok. I'm sorry I'm making no sense.
I just feel I'm suffocating in my own flesh, like my body has no edges. I don't know how to cope I'm so pathetic. I let everyone down even the dog I ran out the house without walking her. Everything felt it was closing in. I picture him coming at me again and again and again. His words mix with the thoughts in my mind on a loop. I have no words for my fatness and filth I wish there was nothing left of me. I have therapy tomorrow but I haven't done my homework and I need to know. I want to reach out but there is nothing to grab onto . I'm so sorry I don't deserve to post.
Needy and pathetic that's me! Why can't I use the coping skills effectively I'm trying but also feel the need to talk to my eating disorders nurse and sometimes other people like friends I'm trying not to I know I'm needy and pathetic and don't deserve it? I just desperately don't want to be alone with these feelings and memories. I dissociated quite badly and I feel so drained I could sleep for a week. I'm sorry I'm waffling.
Falling apart. Feel disgusting and fat and filthy. So much I wish I could have said. I'm dying to fall apart. I'm scared that nobody will catch me if I fall apart. May be I'm too fat and too disgusting and undeserving. I just don't deserve it I'm sorry .
Thanks Alanna. There was some positive news yesterday but selfishly today I feel dreadful and hopeless again. I disassociated on my way to dog training and came round feeling raw and broken and terrified. Like I couldn't breathe from the strangulation or oral stuff. It was such an effort to suppress it and function. I just keep picturing the blood and feeling them inside me. The smells and sounds filling me. My body hurts all over. The white noise and screaming in my head is loud. I feel pathetic and weak and like I need a hand to hold but know I'm fat **** who deserves nothing. I just want to cry but the pain feels buried so deep. I feel like a dirty sordid monster and the shame makes me want to disappear I want to explain some of this to the eating disorders team but the shame makes the words die and I want to curl up. I'm lucky the nurse I see is incredible ( don't deserve that level of support) but I'm not sure she will allow to make myself safe enough to speak. I'm sorry I'm making no sense there is too much of me.
I'm so ashamed fat and weak and dirty. I feel terrified and like I'm drowning in it. I just want to tear myself to pieces. Been curled up fighting the violent thoughts but I can't anymore. I feel torn up. I feel I have to physically hold myself together. So confused one minute I'm so alive with raw emotion and pain the next I'm so numb I wonder if this is what being dead feels like. I don't know if I can do this. X
How do you redirect anger towards abusers? I think of them and I feel sickening terror and violation. I must be at fault I'm fat and sordid and broken. I'm also confused. Can someone help me understand?