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Old 29-05-2010, 08:38 AM   #1
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'threats of abandonment' as a child - anyone else? [support thread]

I know that there are people here who were actually forced out of their homes by parents, mainly as teenagers.

What I'm asking here is if anyone was ever threatened with abandonment by a parent or both parents, and as a young child?

Whilst my father never carried through on his threats, a number of times, right from when I was 5 up until I was about 12, I was threatened with being sent away, 'to a home for bad children' [I had done nothing wrong]. Or my mum would threaten to take her and I to a refuge, to escape from my father's behaviours towards us. She never carried through, either.

I understand that this classes as emotional abuse, well, at least what my father threatened. What I do know is that this has had deep reaching effects on my sense of self, and led to profound emotional insecurity. I'm working through it, painful as it is.

I'm wondering if anyone else ever went through similar, and how it's effected them.

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Old 29-05-2010, 03:15 PM   #2
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unfortunalty i have been through similar...
i ended up packing my bags and leaving when i turned 18 to escape it. for me that was the best thing i could have done



Some days are still hard but they make the good days seem all the better :)


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Old 29-05-2010, 03:18 PM   #3
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I was never threatened with abandonment, but I was emotionally abuse, so I can relate to how painful it can be and the lasting effects, so I'm here if you want to talk, sweetie.



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Old 29-05-2010, 08:13 PM   #4
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I've been threatened of this too, mostly things like I'll be put in care, or taken away, or put in a psych ward where I belong, etc.

It's affected me quite badly, I'm not sure if it's a reason why I have such awful attachment issues, but I'm not surprised if it is...

I'm really sorry it happened to you Katie, you didn't deserve such treatment.
I'm glad you're working through it, & we're here for you any time you need/want us.
You're very strong, you'll get through this.
Lots of love.
xxx



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Old 29-05-2010, 08:17 PM   #5
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Quote:
I was threatened with being sent away, 'to a home for bad children'
I remember that being said to my brother when he was little. Not sure if it aws said to me though

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Old 29-05-2010, 10:11 PM   #6
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Thank you everyone.

It aches so much sometimes, and the insecurity can be triggered to quite alarming degrees. There's a deep 'trauma groove' in my psyche around this, and whilst to outsiders it might look like at times I'm overreacting to a stressful event in the present, I am reacting to the present event, as well as the past one. Mainly the past one.
Feeling I'm unlovable.
Feeling nothing I do is ever good enough.
Terrified all the time that I'll be abandoned and alone.
Behaving 'like my father' - dictatorial and controlling. [his behaviour also came from insecurity and fear of abandonment, and so the trauma cycle goes...]
Believing I shouldn't be around people.
I'm sure there's more...

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Old 29-05-2010, 11:18 PM   #7
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i got threatened that bad men would take me away
sorry others gone through things
sorry
x



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Old 30-05-2010, 11:36 AM   #8
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It's hard, isn't it?

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Old 30-05-2010, 12:24 PM   #9
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After shouting at me for ages my mum often grabbed her car keys and threatened to leave home forever without me.

Now I expect everyone to leave me - if I was so awful that even my mum didn't want stay with me, why would anyone else?



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Old 30-05-2010, 02:51 PM   #10
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I got threatned that my mum and dad woukld get soical serivices. Im adopted. So by the third time they said it I got the phone and started dailing the number untill my dad whacked me and told me never to phone that number again....Never did it again. But yeah did hurt when they said it the first time.



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Im breaking free from these memories.


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Old 30-05-2010, 02:57 PM   #11
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See, and I don't want to negate anything for anyone, but this is how I view it. I understand that situations and feelings are different for everyone.

My mum, and dad used to threaten to call the social services and have me taken away, and also used to make me get out of the car and drive off, if I had been misbehaving or whatever. Sometimes my mum would just drive off without telling me where she was going, because she didn't want to see me or my sister or whatever, but again, we'd probably not been the easiest kids.

I don't think it's had any affect on me, whatsoever. Because, in fact if anything, it taught me to get my arse in gear and behave. So yeah, I think it's something a lot of parents do, and I know that there were times in arguments when I threatened to get myself adopted. It works both ways.

The only time I think anything was said that did hurt me was when I was about 14 and having my first real hypo (I'm diabetic) in it I was hallucinating and confused and not being very co-operative, and my mum said that she was going to get me sectioned. It really hurt, because I was ill, physically and needed some support.

I still get "you need to be in hospital" quite a lot, because it would be easier for them to deal with, I think.

I guess what I'm saying is that in my case, it wasn't emotional abuse, it was an expression of their frustration. I don't think a lot of the time it is meant to come out in the way it does, if that makes sense.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 30-05-2010, 03:19 PM   #12
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my mum used to do that (the making me get out the car and then driving off thing) once when she wdid it I hid in the bushes so that when she came back she'd think I'd gone - which was a stupid and immature thing to do I know but I think I wanted to sort of show her how much it hurt to epect someone to be somewhere and then one day them not be. Though she didn't come back anyway so I had to walk home


I think these thin are something many parents do out of frustration, but when other things are going on aswell these actions can really effect a childs development. I also think that in cases of punishemnt the child should be told the reason and what they did wrong rather than their being punishemtn with the child having no understanding of why. Overall though I think that he way a person feels about what happene and how it effects them is more important than the events theirselves


Last edited by shadow-light : 30-05-2010 at 03:29 PM.
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Old 30-05-2010, 03:27 PM   #13
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The main point for me is that I had done nothing wrong. It was also part of a wider pattern of abuse and domestic violence and familial [untreated] mental illness. Plus added onto earlier trauma made it all the more damaging.
The first time I remember it happening, I was 5.
Everyone's an individual, and some have more emotional resilience at a younger age than others, and enough feeling of already being loved, so they could bear it.

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Old 30-05-2010, 05:11 PM   #14
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Hazel, I agree completely with you about the way a person feels about it is more important than the action in itself.

Like I say, I wasn't trying to negate anything for anyone, and I understand that I could well react differently from others.

What I was trying to do was offer and alternative perspective, no more, no less, and explain that such threats, in my case were used as a way of keeping me in check, rather than as anything more sinister.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 30-05-2010, 07:09 PM   #15
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I know. I just. Well. Ever felt you had to defend yourself all the time? It wears one down. And it's a reflex action, almost, whenever my experiences or feelings are, or have even the slightest inkling or seeming to be, called into question.

I understand. It's just very very raw for me.

For me, my father genuinely felt unable to cope with having a sensitive little girl around him, who was female, and who reminded him of his mother who had restricted his life and dominated him. Plus he had more than enough worries of his own, and an insecure little girl trying to exist in her own right and to have feelings that reminded him of his own unbearable troubles was too overwhelming to him.
So much sadness, in him, and me, and my mother.

I just want to feel less alone in my struggles as I endeavour to find a place in the world for me, and a stronger, more secure sense of self.

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Old 30-05-2010, 07:17 PM   #16
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Well, I'm sorry. I was in no way criticising you or trying to demean your feelings. The way I read it was that you were asking had anyone experienced this, and how it made them feel, so I related what had happened to me.

Whatever, I will leave this thread be, as clearly I'm not helping and what happened to me is irrelevant to what you wanted.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 30-05-2010, 07:28 PM   #17
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It's on a different wave length is all.
How part of me read it was that I had a RIGHT to be punished with being rejected and potentially sent away. That my father was right. He wasn't ill. He didn't hurt me. It didn't leave lasting effects, so that I read and hear and experience pretty much everything as abandonment. That I didn't nearly have a complete and utter breakdown last week when my job felt at risk, because of all the past echoes haunting me.
Except that I did.

And, personally, I believe that it IS wrong for a parent to threaten abandonment, whatever the reason. There are better and clearer and less potentially damaging ways of setting boundaries and exerting discipline as needed.

You know, at times I can hardly bear the echoes that haunt me from what my father said and did. It IS helpful to read others experiences. But my invalidation threshold is very low. Maybe I was wrong to post about something so vulnerable to me.
"Maybe I should 'get up to my room and stay there', keep silent.
Maybe I should 'go and spend the night in the shed'."

Translation - these experiences of mine HURT. My father was as a dictator. I was barely allowed to breathe, barely allowed to make a sound.
It is hard to find words now. But it always seems to go wrong when I speak up here.

I love my dad. My dad loves me. We've reconciled our past hurts. BUT the scars are still there, and they run deep.

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Old 30-05-2010, 07:40 PM   #18
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And, it doesn't mean your experiences mean nothing. Make a thread and post for support with them, talk about them.

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Old 30-05-2010, 08:53 PM   #19
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This was a support thread.
I seem to keep messing up when I post a support thread recently.

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Old 30-05-2010, 09:29 PM   #20
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You haven't messed up, Katie, at all. I can't say much right now, feeling a bit sick, but I'll be back tomorrow. xxx

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