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Old 02-08-2019, 08:36 PM   #1
Theevildonkey
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Hey

Hi this is the first time Iíve posted but feel like I could really do with some support and advice as feel so alone.
I self harm to the extent of requiring blood transfusions-nearly forty in the past five years. Circumstances have changed I am now responsible for a puppy and a horse which means I really canít partake in this risky behaviour. However I am struggling with life at the moment and I feel the need to carry out this form of harm. I have tried other sorts but nothing eases the horrible thoughts in my head in the same way. I feel super guilty as I have nothing bad going on in my life yet I have these very strong urges to do myself some serious harm. Iím lucky I have a lovely cpn but I donít seem able to communicate with her very well.
Any advice gratefully received!

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Old 03-08-2019, 01:00 AM   #2
Auror.
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I think it is great you are trying to stop and that you have reasons to stay safe.

What's making it hard to communicate with your cpn? What means of communication is generally easiest for you?

Urges being so strong can be really difficult to deal with. I hope they lessen in intensity for you soon. Is there anything you have tried before that helps that besides self harm?



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 03-08-2019, 11:43 AM   #3
Theevildonkey
 
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Thanks.
I always find I clam up when I see my cpn and find it difficult to say anything at all. I should try writing stuff down but this scares me because itís as if writing it makes it more real and I donít want my cpn to judge me or think Iím stupid.
I am rather weak and pathetic and although I do try other distractions I have normally always failed and ended up self harming in order to ease the urges.

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Old 03-08-2019, 11:53 AM   #4
one_step_closer
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Do you know what it is about this form of self harm that you feel eases the horrible thoughts? Maybe there is a safer way to even partially get that. Having animals to care for might be really good for you, I know that having my cats has reduced my self destructive behaviours because I don't want them to suffer if I end up in hospital.

I'd hope your CPN wouldn't be judgemental but I know it can feel like that sometimes. Would it make any difference at all if you wrote something for your CPN but she didn't keep it after reading it or she shredded it? Or writing something digitally that you could show her on your phone or something and then delete it? Would you ever discuss with your CPN that you worry about being judged or people thinking you're stupid?

I don't think you're weak or pathetic at all. It can be hard to move on from self harm and it sounds like you're really trying to put the animals first and find new ways to cope with things. I hope you can find something that works for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-08-2019, 05:56 PM   #5
Theevildonkey
 
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Thank you for your kind response.
Iím not sure why this method works for getting rid of the thoughts just know it manages to produce a blankness and empty mind unlike anything else I have tried.
I like the idea of writing something on my phone for the cpn to see so it can then be deleted.
At the moment I am just trying to stay super busy with work and exercise so that I only really go home to sleep. This is working at the moment but is rather exhausting!

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Old 04-08-2019, 06:08 PM   #6
one_step_closer
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Is being at home difficult for you?

Also, I think mindfulness can be useful for some people to get peace from their thoughts although it does take some hard work. I find listening to loud white noise through headphones can be good but obviously it's not a great idea to have headphones on for a long time.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-08-2019, 06:15 PM   #7
Theevildonkey
 
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Yeah. I donít like it-I live alone and find too much time in the house alone is no good for the negative thoughts etc! Also I will only do this form of self harm in my house so the less time Iím at home the less time I have to partake in these behaviours.

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Old 04-08-2019, 06:22 PM   #8
one_step_closer
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That's a shame, home is supposed to be a safe place where you can relax. It's definitely good to get out though but be careful not to completely burn yourself out. How would you feel about getting rid of the things needed to do this form of self harm? I understand that might only help prevent you from physically doing it and doesn't address the emotional stuff but it might be a start.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-08-2019, 06:30 PM   #9
Theevildonkey
 
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Thank you. I have tried mindfulness but am so bad at it! It is something that I feel I should keep working on though as I know it works for others.
Thatís a really good suggestion but the thought terrifies me-having the stuff is like a security blanket and makes me feel safer. I know that is totally stupid and makes no sense.

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Old 05-08-2019, 03:47 PM   #10
one_step_closer
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That isn't stupid at all, I think a lot of us can relate to keeping self harm tools to help us feel safer. If you're not ready to get rid of things it can be harder to stay safe when you don't have them because you'll go hunting for something.

There are things like mindfulness journalling and prompts for when you're outside etc if the 'traditional' mindfulness stuff doesn't work for you.

How are you today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-08-2019, 06:24 PM   #11
Theevildonkey
 
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Thanks for asking. Why does life always seem like so much hard work?! I canít imagine things ever getting easier which makes it a real struggle to keep going and stay safe. I despise the person that I am and think that it would be better for everyone if I was no longer here.
Havenít heard of alternative mindfulness techniques will have to try googling.

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Old 06-08-2019, 02:29 PM   #12
one_step_closer
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I know that feeling, it's really painful. I'm sorry life is such a struggle and you can't see it ever getting better. I guess there is always hope even if we can't see it but it's hard to hold on to that. Have you seen your CPN recently?

Someone gave me this Mindful Journalling book (link). I'm too lazy to try it but I think it's more of an interactive type mindfulness if it's better for you to be occupied.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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