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Old 19-04-2019, 02:37 PM   #1
Shadow CL
Join Date: Apr 2019
I'm New


You can call me Colby or CL or Leon or whatever combination u come up with that feels right.

I'm new here, honestly I didn't know this place existed til a few minutes ago. I signed up pretty soon after. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 12-13, that was almost 4 years ago now. I have also been diagnosed with autism and insomnia and just a lot of other things. But I'll probably be focusing on the depression and anxiety side of things.

Though something else that has been triggering me a lot is something medically going on with me. I have type 2 diabetes as well as chronic pain and up until recently, no doctor believed me because I was just so all over the place about it. Finally a doctor's trying and my mom keeps forgetting to call him to tell him that the pain meds he prescribed have done nothing for my pain. Anyway, this pain manifests most in my arms, legs, and head. Now I'll get to how this links to my mental health.

Writing is my life. Its what makes me want to live. Its what gives me a future to look forward to. But now, because of this pain, everytime I come up with an idea I have to decide whether its worth the pain to write. More than half the time it isn't and I'm forced to just think through this idea knowing how much my readers would love to read it, but knowing the hell I'd be putting myself through to get it done. And still, just thinking through my stories causes me this pain. Headaches, migraines, call them what you want. Its torture. It hurts. But its more psychological torture than anything. My reason for living is in my head and hands and with this pain... I don't know how to even describe this pain.

I try to sate myself with reading, but that hurts too. Thankfully not as much physically. But its just as much psychological torture as its basically dangling my dream in front of me, just out of my reach. I've cried about it so many times.

It shouldn't have been a surprise to me when I started getting that itch to harm myself again. I got the itch a year ago and managed to hold off. But now I'm not so sure I can. Especially since this itch isn't just to inflict harm unto myself, its to scar myself. Raise my skin with an injury, a physical representation of all my pain. I want to be scarred. I feel like I should be. My 3 year old scars have all but vanished, I wouldn't even know they were there if I wasn't able to feel the slight raise of my skin. I used to hate them, but now that I'm so filled with this awful pain both physical and emotion, I feel like my body should visibly match it. So someone could understand just how painful this whole thing truly is. I want to scream but I don't. But most of all I want to harm myself. And I want to badly. It doesn't help that I have this inherant obsession with blades that has lead to me owning a sword and multiple razors as well as a flick blade. Or that I buy lighters and candles all the time.

I know I sound like an angsty teenager when I say this, but, I need someone to understand me. But I know no one will. No one will understand me as a whole. After years of searching to finally understand myself, I'm honestly no closer than I was 2 or even 3 years ago. At least now I'm not suicidal though. Thats a plus, ig.

Anyway, that ended up being a long intro and I gest more of a rant. But now you know why I'm here. So I think my intro was pretty successful. Anyhow,

Caoi, さよなら, Bis später, Adios, bye.

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Old 23-04-2019, 10:55 PM   #2
I always have a choice
Pi.R^2's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
I am currently:

Hi Colby, welcome to RYL, I hope you find it helpful here.

It sounds like you've got an awful lot to cope with and I hope your doctor will be able to come up with a treatment plan which makes your condition more manageable soon.

Have you tried writing with the aid of any dictation software? I don't have any experience of it myself but I know it's definitely a thing, where you talk into the microphone and it converts it to typed text.

I hope you'll be able to continue to fight the urge to harm yourself. You suggested that in the past you had self harmed; what helped you to stop previously?

We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult

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Old 24-04-2019, 09:16 AM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: London area

Welcome. :)

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Old 25-04-2019, 03:26 PM   #4
The Shadow of the Day
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Hi Colby, welcome to RYL. I hope you find it helpful here. Take care.

I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

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