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Old 21-02-2015, 12:03 PM   #121
LittleCloud
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It's ok Liv. I don't know where I am or what I want. I'm trying so hard to hold my ground with general health but I can't be stuck this size. I worked last night and slept today then ate a really unhealthy dinner. I feel like I just want to curl up and cry and be hugged unconditionally. I feel like a fraud. I do want to lose but am eating more than minimally and trying to get my body what it needs. I don't belong here. I wish people around me would see what I am and how hard I'm trying to hold it together but I'm too big and too frightened



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 21-02-2015, 02:26 PM   #122
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Hugs you are not too big and I understand you are hurting. I'm low on words but thinking of you x

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Old 22-02-2015, 11:15 AM   #123
LittleCloud
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Thanks Jessie. I'm so sorry. Every day my head is screaming and screaming and the harder I try the louder it screams. It hurts. So much. I can't describe but I am trying to keep my body healthy if small. I think it can be done



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 22-02-2015, 12:37 PM   #124
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Hugs im low on words but be kind to yourself xx

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Old 22-02-2015, 02:35 PM   #125
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I'll try Jessie. I made a kind of plan to get myself back up. I don't know how I'll go. If I'm honest because I think that's more important than anything one of my biggest priorities is still to lose to my goal weight, but I am making appointments to see a counsellor with my uni and psychologist on alternating fortnights and am trying with my dietitian's suggestions to up my intake of protein and carbohydrates. I am also planning some physical exercise because it really helps when I feel so low, but I do know I need to fuel my body for this. I don't know what will happen when I reach my goal but I know there are some important things in my life like my partner, my work, my friends, my garden, running, zumba etc which I am not willing to compromise so I need to stay strong enough to keep these things. I feel bad I'm not very strong but I need to take a step back for a short time just to regroup. I've been feeling very lost and frankly like I'm not even worth being alive so I need to do something



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 22-02-2015, 04:29 PM   #126
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Well done for all of this I'm so proud of you. Keep taking tiny steps. X

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Old 22-02-2015, 08:22 PM   #127
LittleCloud
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I'll try Jessie- I feel quite nervous about making the appointment with my psychologist. Frightened I won't be believed because my body will never reflect my mind. I'll go for a walk before work to give the referral in I think



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 24-02-2015, 02:05 PM   #128
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I made an appointment with the university counsellor I've seen before. I feel like a fat failure. How will she ever believe me?? I'm so sure she'll think I'm making it up.
Today feels huge. So many challenging foods; wore my jogging capris to Zumba.... the fear felt like it would swallow me whole; made the appointment. I feel so lost outside of my safety. I feel so dirty. Ashamed of every part of me; frightened.... so frightened and exhasted



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 24-02-2015, 02:09 PM   #129
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Hugs I'm so sorry you are hurting. Well done for making the appointment she will believe you and you do deserve to be heard. X

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Old 25-02-2015, 05:45 AM   #130
LittleCloud
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I don't believe myself



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 25-02-2015, 08:05 AM   #131
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What has happened Alannah are you ok ? X

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Old 25-02-2015, 09:14 AM   #132
LittleCloud
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I'm just too big and eat too much. Looking at my body next to that of a client and I see the fat sitting all over it. Feel so tired and conspicuous



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 25-02-2015, 09:25 AM   #133
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Hugs can you remind yourself that it is in your mind? Hugs x

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Old 25-02-2015, 02:38 PM   #134
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But I don't know that it is all imagine. I see the uni counsellor tomorrow. I'm working tonight and will only get a few hours sleep if that before then. I'm exhausted and frightened the counsellor won't believe me. Friday I will spend listening to the lectures from the first week of uni and I feel like a failure already. I should be able to do this. They're just first year units. It's the title- Social Worker I don't know if I can do or be. I need to change my food again and I just want to curl up and disappear. I feel like I am falling into depression. Today I ended up feeling really physically I'll. I feel frightened and confused with eating and I don't know how anymore. It feels so wrong


Last edited by LittleCloud : 25-02-2015 at 02:57 PM.


So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 25-02-2015, 02:59 PM   #135
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So low on words but sending hugs x

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Old 26-02-2015, 01:25 PM   #136
LittleCloud
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The appointment went quite well but I hate myself for coming back with the same problem. For being so frightened. For not being my goal weight because it IS safer there and it feels like nothing else will be for now.
My counsellor says she will not help with the weight or collude with those feelings but does help to talk. Frightened of my body though, and of the dead I feel inside. The numb that I can't bear to feel either



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 27-02-2015, 07:57 AM   #137
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Thinking of you and I'm proud of you for going. I'm sorry I'm low on words.

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Old 27-02-2015, 02:45 PM   #138
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Thanks Jessie. I still feel like a weak liar. For me the biggest conflict in myself is that I am not underweight and that is why I don't feel I deserve the support or feel like people believe me- my symptoms fall more reliably into EDNOS than Anorexia. But my reasons for wanting to be small are very much my own. I crave the lack of body to hurt being so small brings. I remember that feeling of being untouchable I felt when I was that small. I know my counsellor, psychologist, doctor and friends do not support this craving and personally I hate their noticing at all and comments on how much I do or don't eat or my body size. I just feel lost right now and food feels like the enemy. Looking at the banana I have with me on the desk at work on my night shift- I'd sooner it be a loaded gun. I feel run down and exhausted this week. Fighting with myself every second. Today I woke late, made breakfast and ate it but felt so exhausted I went back to sleep a couple more hours. This week I feel an exhausted mess and I've messed up so many times. But I eat so much.... so much more than I was and it terrifies me and frustrates me when my body gets overtired and stuffed up from these crazy different hours I'm working lately. I hope tomorrow is sunny. I need so desperately to be in my garden or to go for a walk or run where I can just be me. I missed tai chi this week. Perhaps Monday I will try to get to meditation group just in case my hours clash with these things again. Zumba really is a must- I need that 45mins where I feel like I am doing something real and positive with my body



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 27-02-2015, 08:00 PM   #139
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I can relate. Its so hard. Its hard to feel like you really have a ed when you cant see it in the mirror. Gah i wish i had more to say but i am so tired. Thinking of you. God, i hate this illness...

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Old 27-02-2015, 10:01 PM   #140
LittleCloud
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Thanks. It is awful, and it really can't be real- I know we can't list food but I TRULY eat so, so much and I hate myself for it. If I could just lose a little it would help. I'm so sorry, I can't be positive. I can't even do this right. I'm a failure at what's supposed to be failing at life



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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