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Old 29-11-2014, 11:45 AM   #21
LittleCloud
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Thanks Maybeline, Jessie.
Maybeline- I know what you mean. It's been over a year since my eating resembled any kind of normal. I'm so sorry to hear about your work lovely- don't take it as you can't get better at all, because anything is possible, ok? I still believe it even if I'm not ready yet.
I tried every kind of bribery today and blew it- but tomorrow is another day and I'll start again then.

Not coped so well today- started out with a breakfast I could do but eating lunch with my parents was tense and the food I chose I thought would be ok (if a little higher in calories) but the calorie predictions on the internet varied so much I did not feel safe to eat from 11am to dinner at 8pm and then not much. Feel shaken and scared although I know the most that will happen is I don't lose (sorry, I hope this is ok to write)- that lack of predictability has thrown me completely. No sleep either other than a few hours stolen over my night shift and I'm working tonight... Only feel safe knowing that I achieved my number of steps... and that tomorrow I can go back to something a bit safer- I'm not ready for big stuff yet . Hopefully a little more rest and I can use the fact I want to go to the local markets as my motivation to fuel myself with breakfast



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 30-11-2014, 02:08 PM   #22
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Yeah to get fired was the last thing i needed.
I do believe that everybody can recover but i just start to doubt that i truely do want to fight that much for it. I feel like i tried so hard already. And my life is shattering apart anyway.

But you are trying, you are working with yourself so thats a step forward as well.
I find it really hard to eat with my parents too, so i just dont really do it anymore. Maybe you should put it on hold too? If it puts too much pressure on you it might be better to wait.

I am sorry you are struggling. I dont really know what to say. I would feel so two faced for giving advice right now cause i am not doing well myself.

I really hope you will get some rest and sleep tonight. Not sleeping makes it all soo much worse!

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Old 01-12-2014, 10:58 AM   #23
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I can relate- I'm just so tired of the fighting and because I'm actually eating a lot more it doesn't feel as wrong now. I don't know.
I wish I could put eating with my family on hold but they refuse and I won't let them know about this- I don't need to dead with their feelings about this and they wouldn't be supportive. Slept so much today after work. Was so scared about support and supervision but turned out fine. Tomorrow I go running with my friend and get weighed and I'm scared. What if the fat is more? What if the weight is more?
I don't know



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 01-12-2014, 12:02 PM   #24
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Yes, its hard to keep going. I really feel like i have given my everything to my recovery. Like really really pushed myself to my breaking point and really worked with myself. I put soo much effort into it. And yes it has helped but i just dont feel like its been truely worth it. its been hell for me.
Just to be sure, You mean it does not feel so wrong to eat more? If so, thats great!
I understand. Sometimes its just easier to handle alone.
Sorry they wont be supportive though. Aw, its goodcthat you got some sleep, it must have been well needed.
Whats your Support and supervision? I mean do you have someone who visits you at home or what kind of help are you getting?

I hear you. I hate getting weighed. I really dont know how to help you with that one cause i am a mess around my weigh-ins too.
But in the end thats what we need to learn not to be. That it does not really matter. That the fear is irrational. That the number is not the problem but the fear that we feel for it. Thats the true problem. That our happiness has nothing to do with how low or how high that number is. So nomatter what that number is tomorrow, it will never take or give you anything. Your life as it is, good and bad is still the same. It does not really change anything.
Now thats the real truth....Which sadly, so easily gets lost in lies of a ed.

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Old 01-12-2014, 02:10 PM   #25
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Ooopse, sorry. Support and supervision is a work thing- an evaluation of my work so I was really nervous but turned out ok.
No, the eating feels wrong but losing while I am eating so much doesn't.
I have great friends and lots of people for support, just my family refuse to see beyond what they want to see and they never wanted to see this.
You're right the fear is irrational. I guess I just want the fat gone so much. I guess it won't do anything but it does seem to help



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 01-12-2014, 04:25 PM   #26
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Dont worry;) glad to hear it turned out well;)
Oh;) wasent quite sure what you ment(: well, i just hope your friend is keeping an eye on you so it remains healthy;)
I know what you mean. However i still dont really get just why we feel like its so important...like i dont like having a normal weight or people say i look better. It upsets something in me. And i just dont why

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Old 02-12-2014, 02:08 PM   #27
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I had a talk with my friend tonight- she says I am already small enough and she doesn't want to support me to the point of collapse. I feel so very conflicted- I don't feel this point being anywhere near me, but at the same time have a feeling my views are distorted, but probably not that much. I'm small, but not that small. I am eating more healthily than I have in ages... and i don't want to stop yet. I agree Maybeline- I am fighting like crazy because I don't want to be a "normal" weight; because I want to feel the limits of my body; some days it makes less and less sense, but stopping makes even less sense



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 02-12-2014, 03:50 PM   #28
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I think both you and i know that the right thing would be to listen to her and stop the weightloss. However i also know its not that simple.
I dont know what to say...i wish i could help you but i'm stucked in the same boat... A normal and healthy weight just does not feel right.
But it should..!
Thats whats so bad cause nomatter what we do it does not feel right or good.
To loose weight or to maintain/gain. Both feels wrong. It drives me crazy.

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Old 03-12-2014, 12:42 PM   #29
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Thanks for understanding. I hate where I am with wanting so badly to hide what I am doing yet craving that feedback that says that I'm losing because I can't see it. The food and knowing how much I am eating does help though.
I don't think I can necessarily trust my friend- I know (despite the fact I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy) that there is jealousy and that makes me wonder if it's even that bad. I feel a lot better for eating more. I know the normal weight should look ok too Maybeline but I can't feel that way and I need the control



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 03-12-2014, 04:30 PM   #30
maybeline
 
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God...we really are in the same stupid place...
So i cant really help you but i can say that i understand you.
It does feel really calming to restrict. I feel like it removes some of the guilt and i am able to enjoy or at least relax a little more.
I hear you. I had a friend that were jealous of my weightloss too. To the point where it just bursted out of her "dont loose more weight, you are getting thinner than me!!" She hated it. Have you talked with a doctor about it all? Maybe that would be better. I know how you feel sweetie. Trust me. I know its really hard.

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Old 04-12-2014, 12:23 PM   #31
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I have spoken with my doctor- I am also in contact with a counsellor and dietitian. They say the calorie limit isn't good but it's still so much better than I was doing. I find I can relax a lot more this way too. Today was hard in that I challenged myself with a new and high calorie food but I got through ok- even had dinner and cherries for dessert!!
Yet more comments about weight lost- it isn't much this time, not like people say and I'm stronger than I have been in a while. It feels so triggering



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 04-12-2014, 10:00 PM   #32
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Okay well, its good that you are honest with them about how you are doing things:) i hope you will continue to be open and honest so they can help you if things starts to spin too much out of control(:

Well done for challenge yourself with a fearfood! That can be really hard but its just so good to do it though. And you totally deserve the dessert as well;) thats really great:) have you heard of fearfood friday? Where you eat a fearfood every friday as you proberly could guess:P
Anyway, I think its a great idea.

I am gonna challenge myself this weekend too. Big time!
For the first time in over a year i am going out, and i will be drinking!
Alcohol is proberly the worst for me. Its really hard for me. But i dont want to chicken out now. I need to do this. I need to try to go out with a girlfriend again and just be normal and relax. Atleast thats what i tell myself.
Please wish me good luck with this. I really dont want to end up having to cancel it. I fear it though.

I am sorry the comments is triggering you. I can understand it though. But remember thats the ed voice talking. Its good you are stronger!

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Old 06-12-2014, 02:55 PM   #33
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Thanks. I try so hard to be honest- I guess when things are falling out of control is when I usually mess up with that but it's also so important to me to be honest I hate the lies when I do.
Fear Food Friday- sounds great. Went to a birthday party today and challenged everything and still had something for dinner- even went a little over my calories just to make sure I could.
I really hope you can enjoy yourself out- you deserve it and like you say, that challenge is such a good thing.
One thing that worries me is I seem to be losing body fat so fast- more comments and as odd as this sounds I don't want to make myself ill- I really need my independence, just I need to be small too. I hope if I need I can get my dietitian appointment early, but it's only a couple of weeks. It rocks me that my eating has become so bad that I don't know what my body needs anymore. I'm not the size I want to be quite yet, but not far off. I need to stay strong and not go past that. I really fear losing my work or being noticed. It's for me this, not attention. It's mine



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 07-12-2014, 11:17 AM   #34
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Yeah i am the same way. I hate to lie and hide stuff to my therapist but it just kinda of happens when the ed is loud.
Well done for challenge yourself! How does it feel?:)

Thank you. I did enjoy it. My friend had made one of my biggest fearfoods but it was a food i used to loooove. So i did kinda like to try it again. It all went really well actuelly. Drinking does make me crave food more the next day so i am actually just giving into that as well. I feel like this weekend has been good and i have enjoyed it but i do feel like its very much out of my comfort zone.

I did meet a ex co-worker. And he really is a nice guy. Like really calm and sweet. BUT he did make a comments towards my ed that "one has to, simply grow up and take responsibility" i was like "you cant say that about a illness"
When he said "i didnt mean to offend you" "...well, you did" He called me a silly girl for not eating as well...
Anyway...he is a sweet guy but he just dont get it AT ALL..
On the other hand there is a difference between not understanding anorexia and just being comepletely ignorant about it.

But what will you do once you hit that weight? Cause i been undereating and i just kind of think whats the point? Like my metabolism will crash. I will have to eat less and less. I wont be able to function and i will be a sad depressed zombie once again. I would end up starving just to loose a little bit of weight. Wont feel like my hard work is paying of fast enough. Its not like we can loose weight and then just keep that weight and eat normally again. All the pounds would come back so freaking easy. And we cant keep undereating forever...

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Old 07-12-2014, 03:00 PM   #35
LittleCloud
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It feels scary to challenge but a thrill too. I'm glad that you were able to push your comfort zone and find happiness there.
This weekend has been terrifying- so many food challenges and also realising that I am losing fast and don't really know how to stop. For me it is not so much about weight as fat percentage now. I need to monitor and stop before I get too many comments. My biggest fear is being found out and losing all that I love



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 08-12-2014, 10:05 AM   #36
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Yes, and its crazy to think how long time its been since one had some fearfood last. Sometimes its like over a year...

Yeah it was good. I kinda hoped it would trigger something in me.
Making me want to go back to how i used to live. It havent though. (I mean i always want that but its just hard getting there)
I really dont like drinking and it really made me eat alot the next day and it ended up being a little too much to handle mentally.

Well, thats whats soo hard with ed's. Its only yourself that can stop it.
We all know whats right and wrong. We know what to do. We just dont do it.
I could give you 100 advices and your answear would proberly be "yeah i know but..," cause we are caught between the truth and the lies of the ed. And the truth is just a whisper in the back of our minds while the lies are screaming and yelling. So its hard to focus on that little whisper but you need too.

I been reading about the minnie maud approach. I think i want to try it at some point.


Last edited by maybeline : 08-12-2014 at 02:27 PM.
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Old 08-12-2014, 02:49 PM   #37
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I'm really struggling with whether or not what I'm doing is wrong I guess. I don't rigidly count calories and often on the record I do tally, go over by quite a few. The fear has been so intense but I ate at work this morning. Feels so pathetic when friends congratulate you for eating toast. I am disgusting. The fear is constant but I'm managing to challenge some. Even to rest some days. Fear is building tonight- might be good just to take my own food to work tomorrow- the predictability makes it easier. It's still impossibly hard though and I don't know how it can even be a problem with how much I eat



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 08-12-2014, 03:06 PM   #38
maybeline
 
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I guess you can ask yourself if you want to live the same way in 10 years:) if no, its not the right thing.
Thats why i kinda want to try out mm. Find out what my body set point is and learn to accept it and start living instead. Live in a way that i enjoy. Theres no joy in all of this diet and self hatred.

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Old 08-12-2014, 03:52 PM   #39
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Hi girls, sorry to hear you're both struggling. Hope it will get better :) just wanted to comment on minnie m. I also read about it and all the medical consequences really frieked me out which is good. Made me think what I am acctually doing to myselfe. Can't say i am managing all the things from the guidelines but really trying and would recommend it to anyone

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Old 08-12-2014, 04:15 PM   #40
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Thank you marimar;) i know! Its really scary. I know that i havent reached that minimum so far so to Think that my body cant really repair is scary. Yeah i heard alot of people saying alot of good things. The negative things i have come across, All came from people who havent tried it. i Think its a good way of facing fear foods. I kinda wish i had done it from the start so i wasent left with so many fear foods..


Last edited by maybeline : 08-12-2014 at 07:47 PM.
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