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Old 11-12-2018, 12:46 PM   #1081
one_step_closer
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The 'rules' of planned admissions are that I go into hospital for a few days maximum as an intervention to hopefully prevent a long emergency admission. I don't think I will end up needing an emergency admission anyway and if I did I think there would still be strict rules. I have had one planned admission before and it seemed to help but I feel conflicted about it as I wasn't in a really fragile state as I usually am when I am in hospital and some of the staff treated me differently because it was a planned admission so they felt I was less unwell. It made me think I was taking up a bed unnecessarily. I haven't self harmed much so I'm probably safe enough, which means I'm fine. My key worker said this isn't fine but I feel like there are only resources for unsafe people.

I managed to get to the open access clinic this morning about my knees. I mentioned that I walk on my tiptoes and asked if that would make my knees worse. The GP said yes and asked if I had ever been diagnosed with dyspraxia since I have been toe walking since childhood. I don't think my way of walking was ever really investigated, I just remember my Dad always saying I was going to be a ballerina. The GP suggested exercises for my knees and said he could refer me back to physio and also biomechanics since toe walking means that something is wonky, as he put it. He thought my anxious movements might have been a sign of dyspraxia too, but I think they're mostly due to anxiety. I've to try the exercises and come back if things don't improve. I'm not really sure if getting my toe walking etc assessed is important, it wasn't clear to me what the GP thought. I've been living with it all this time anyway so I'm guessing there's nothing hugely serious going on.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-12-2018, 01:49 PM   #1082
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How do you feel about the GP appointment?

I can see the pros and cons of a planned admission.

How are you getting on?

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Old 17-12-2018, 04:43 PM   #1083
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Thanks for your reply.

I'm not really thinking much about the GP appointment now. One of the gym instructors researched some exercises I could to to strengthen my quads so I've been doing them. I'll maybe talk to my own GP about the toe walking thing at some point next year.

Saturday was hard, I went wandering to see about X but there were teenagers hanging about. I tried to do X in my garden as a step down but couldn't tolerate it. The absolutely hilarious thing is that as soon as I shut my back door my neighbours came out their back door. If I had stayed outside for one second later maybe they would have helped me somehow. I am just not meant to get any help.

I feel really uncomfortable that there are notes written about me by other people and I don't know what has been written. They are from the perspectives of other people and I have no say about what I think is important to write. I probably wouldn't have an idea if I was asked though. I hate that past wrong notes are still available. I hate the different people can access my notes whether I want them to or not. People who don't know me base their judgements of me on my diagnosis and whatever someone else has written in my notes. I kind of want to access all my community notes the way I have all my hospital notes but I'll end up getting upset. I am a book written by other people. I am an open door, accessible to any professional who has a reason to read my notes. I can't confide in someone and not expect what I have said to be recorded. I have no strong personal support from friends or family. I ache. I need comfort. Everyone supports me from a distance. I am alone and lonely.

I'm longing for some proper self harm.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-12-2018, 04:55 PM   #1084
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SI is not the answer. I expect that even if you did seriously injure yourself it wouldn't be enough. Could you read your notes with your CC so you can ask questions and receive support too?

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Old 18-12-2018, 06:12 PM   #1085
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Thanks. I know SI wouldn't really solve anything but I miss seeing that I have caused myself some 'good' damage.

I wouldn't be able to go through all my community notes. My CPN knows how I feel about how I'm sometimes misrepresented in notes and she says that she just writes statements of what happened in appointments and what I've told her rather than making judgements. I do trust her but...

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow, it has been 3 weeks since my last appointment and so much has happened that I don't know if I'll be able to express it. There is too much descriptive writing here and in my diary so she can't read through all that, I've put brief pointers in my phone to try and remind me but a lot of things require long explanations of what happened which isn't ideal when there are other things that need to be discussed. I think I usually go over my appointment time by about 10 minutes and that makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I really like my CPN but she is of course going to disappear from my life at some point. I have no concrete safe people in my life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-12-2018, 08:30 PM   #1086
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Got the birthday blues. :(

I was really upset last night thinking about how I deprived my twin of life, that she gets none of the birthdays that I do and how she would have most definitely done a better job at life than I have. I tried to listen to some relaxing music/sounds but that reminded me of my Mum singing lullabies so I got more upset and thought about the process of her death.

I wanted to talk to my CPN about these things but didn't manage to say anything. I didn't manage to get across how distressed I have been recently either. I went to see my brother and he's having a shit time. I was mega low and crying a bit on the train home and when I was close to my station I thought that it would be for the best if I hung around and jumped in front of a train. I phoned the place where my key worker works/the informal crisis team but no one answered. I phoned the duty CPN and she said to go home and she'd get the informal crisis team to phone me and ask my CPN to phone me tomorrow. I didn't express what I needed to express to the person who phoned from the informal crisis team either. People can't hear me. I'll be safe tonight because I'm home later than usual so things are crammed in to my evening before bed.

I wish I could even just act out a suicide scenario as strange as that might sound. I self harm and attempt suicide so much in my dreams but because they are dreams things don't hurt and I don't die so I get to experience the things without consequences. I am well aware of the consequences of doing those things in real life but I want to give up. I'm sick of fighting and fighting and fighting. I don't even have good self harm to turn to. Life is too painful.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-12-2018, 06:13 PM   #1087
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Have enough to overdose on but I haven't done it. Was thinking about it last night but felt tired and panicky thinking about what the outcome might be. I feel really low and sad. I just want cuddles and comfort and soothing but not by any person that I have in my life right now. I want to slow down a bit and just be but I feel like I have to stick to my routine and I always have to be doing something because if I don't I will end up just sitting doing nothing and then I might end up going to bed and then my horrible sleeping pattern could happen again. I don't deserve comfort when my brother is suffering, when I get a bit of a break I always think about how he doesn't get a break. I am not helping him.

I think my CPN phoned when I was at the gym group but she didn't leave a message. I saw my support worker after the group anyway and she allowed me not to have a drink. She keeps telling me to challenge my thoughts etc but me and my brain are point blank refusing because I don't deserve to try and stop my suffering. My hatred for myself is so ingrained that I hate myself more if I try to be kind to myself. I had bought books from charity shops in between the gym group and my appointment with my support worker and I didn't have room in my bag for the books so I needed to put them in a carrier bag. I was ashamed and pissed off with myself that my selfishness could be easily seen.

Make my brother ok. Act on impulse. Get the fuck on with dying.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-12-2018, 05:56 PM   #1088
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I feel so ashamed. I bought a new TV in the Argos sale because I couldn't read the text on the small one I had. I really should measure things because the TV arrived and it is massive. Every time I see it I feel terrible because I haven't earned any of the money that paid for it, my benefits covered it. I'm embarrassed to let anyone in the house because they will see it.

I'm not going to be allowed to continue to plod on for another year anyway, someone is going to force me into a worse hell.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-12-2018, 06:02 PM   #1089
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You might not have earned the money in the working sense but it’s money you’re entitled to and you’ve saved it so you deserve to spend it on something nice for yourself once in a while. And I bet it’s still small in comparison to the TVs that some people have!

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Old 31-12-2018, 06:07 PM   #1090
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Thanks NP.

Seriously just get on with overdosing or death. But I can't put a strain on services at this time of the year. Ha! Excuses. I am jealous of people who can do risky things and they don't have to consider how it will affect their brother if they find out. I have been far too silent this year. I have not even overdosed once! I have been too considerate of myself and the negative effects overdosing has on me.

I have to quietly go insane anyway because I can't talk about the things that are going on in the house. Found out about the portal type thing. I have known for a while but never thought it could be real. They can all just come into my house and terrorise me. Whatever. It's a bit windy. Maybe it's bad enough weather to do X. Just sick of myself. I am 100% pointless and I should never have been born.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2018, 07:17 PM   #1091
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There is nothing I can do and no one I can turn to because of my own restrictions. I phoned the informal crisis team not intending to talk and my key worker answered, I still hung up. There are only two people on the informal crisis team and I can't use a resource that someone else will likely need. I also phoned Breathing Space just to hear a human say hello and then I hung up. I am totally alone and mute. People tell me to use resources but it's so difficult. No one is going to guess I need support and get in touch with me, I have to reach out. I can't do it.

I have had enough.

I can't even self harm properly for some relief.

Torture.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2018, 07:32 PM   #1092
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How about you force yourself to say "I am really struggling, help" and see what happens.

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Old 31-12-2018, 07:38 PM   #1093
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But this is not really struggling, as confusing as that might sound. I would probably have no words to speak. There are definitely people out there who are properly struggling who deserve to not have services caught up listening to me talk rubbish and not get anywhere.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2018, 07:42 PM   #1094
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:( it sounds really hard. You mentioned you find it hard to speak to the resources, is that because it's hard to see yourself as worthy? You are absolutely worthy of that support. It's what they're there for, and if other people need to speak to them, they can call back.

I know me saying you're worthy won't make you feel like you are, I definitely understand that. What if you said, "Well, I don't deserve it but I'm going to call anyway." Just to clarify, you absolutely are, but I know that's hard to absorb.

I might be wrong, but I think one time you mentioned that it's easier if they ask you questions? Do they know this? If they ask, "How are you?" Maybe it's worth rehearsing saying, "Not okay," or, "I'm struggling."

This space is here for you too.

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Old 31-12-2018, 07:45 PM   #1095
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PS That's a lot of questions to ponder on, you don't have to answer them here.

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Old 31-12-2018, 07:52 PM   #1096
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Thanks. I'm honestly just pathetic. I am definitely unworthy and I am more safe than unsafe probably so I shouldn't reach out. I was thinking I could probably phone Breathing Space and just say that I wanted to hear a human being and I find it difficult to express things and talk over the phone, I do usually manage to say something at least if I get past the initial part plus I know Breathing Space have way more advisors than the informal crisis team. But it feels pointless too. I am absolutely fine and of no risk to myself because I have lost the skills to self harm well. I'd phone up and they'd conclude that I was a time waster. I'm just sad and trapped and scared and suicidal and sick of feeling shit when things are objectively well for me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-01-2019, 11:14 AM   #1097
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The world that people think is real is actually not. None of this even exists, it's one huge game to someone. I definitely don't exist in the form that other people think I do. This is all an illusion that I interact with just in case because things exist in some form and can be hurt. I am a vessel to take on hurt from myself and hurt from others. How can anything be real? The only sure thing is the other world and the men and I will properly find it. Having sure don't exist feelings and then BANG fireworks, happy new year. What is even happening? I am not a part of that world. I am just a ball of emotion. I am terrified. It's got to be time up. Keep interacting like things exist, just in case. They exist in some form and deserve to be treated with respect.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-01-2019, 01:11 PM   #1098
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You deserve to be treated with respect too x

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Old 01-01-2019, 07:58 PM   #1099
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I cut circles around my wrists for the men. To represent handcuffs. I wrote important things on my arm but then felt tired and physically unwell. I phoned the informal crisis team and hung up. I phoned Breathing Space many times and hung up. It seemed as if the recorded message sounded more pissed off each time I phoned. I managed to speak to someone eventually. She wanted to transfer me to NHS 24 but I said there's no point. She told me to talk to my CPN on Thursday and we could maybe come up with a new treatment plan. There are no other plans to try. I said I don't know how to get to Thursday. She said if I can't keep myself safe she hopes I'll phone back or phone NHS 24.

There are no resources for people who can keep themselves safe. I'm not safe out of choice, I badly want out but I am shit at everything I want that has to do with self harm and self destruction. The phone gets put down and I'm back on my own in agony, because I can keep on living but I don't fucking want to! I will likely be alive on Thursday and will make it to my appointment with my CPN, but I won't be able to communicate my extreme distress. She will tell me I do have better times. I don't think those times are worth going through hell for. It's all my fault. I have poisoned everything and I can't be unborn. We're all trapped with me. I am evil. I deserve to suffer but it hurts so much and I'm weak. Just stop. I'm trapped. There is no useful support that can be offered to me, I'm just going to be in chronic pain that I will never escape from. At least give me back my self harming abilities. I have nothing! It's absolutely terrifying this lack of control.

I am trapped until my heart stops beating. It already conveys dread with every beat. It's a burden to be alive in whatever form I exist. I want to know what will definitely kill me and I want to be able to do it. There are absolutely no other solutions. I have tried to live many, many times. Let me go.

Someone needs to discover a method of dying that also removes all traces of me from the memories of people who might be hurt by my death or who have been hurt by my life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-01-2019, 08:05 PM   #1100
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I'm sorry. I sound like a moaning idiot. I can't express how much I am hurting.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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