"persecutory voices"

Aubergine · 06-05-2015, 12:09 PM

My CPN asked me today if I had been experiencing any "persecutory voices" recently. I didn't realise I ever had. I hear people that warn me about things that might happen, but the people aren't out to get me. The opposite, in fact. They're protective.

I have two issues. One is them being referred to as "voices" but cpn insists they are. Voices makes them sound like they're just voices with no substance behind them. I've never seen them, but they do exist. Maybe the new cpn will know what I mean.

Second issue is that they are not persecutory. They don't threaten me. They warn me. How is that persecutory? I get scared sometimes, but not of them. Sometimes they make me question my judgement, but that's my issue not theirs.

I'm posting this in here, though I'm not sure it's mental health related in my case. It's just that I know other people experience what my cpn was talking about and I wonder if you can shed any light on what he's talking about. I'm not ever seeing him again now, though could potentially contact him for clarification through my new cpn.

Epicene · 06-05-2015, 04:49 PM

With regards to them being called voices, I think it is quite common for people to be uncomfortable with them being called that. Many people know the names, sex or age of their voices and get a sense of knowing who/what they are. Calling them voices can take some of the strength away from what is a very real experience. I get frustrated when people refer to my voices as being thoughts, because they aren't my thoughts! So I guess there's a bit of a parallel there. You are certainly within your rights to share your feelings with your CPN and come to a shared agreement as to what term best describes things.

It certainly doesn't sound like your experiences are persecutory in any way. Some people do hear very critical or threatening things, but for others the things they hear can be protective, friendly and provide companionship. I wonder if your CPN was making assumptions or misunderstood something you said, because it seems a bit odd to refer to them in that way if you've never described them as such.

Maybe use your new CPN as a way of setting out how you see things right now and what you find helpful or unhelpful.

Aubergine · 06-05-2015, 06:03 PM

Thank you, J.

I tried to have this conversation with CPN, but he was reluctant to call them anything else because he doesn't agree with me that they come from solid people. Perhaps seeing the new CPN will work well in that I can address this with her. My old CPN was amazing a certain things, don't get me wrong, but there were some sticking points. It's difficult. I have spoken about certain things in the past and I just get "I understand this is what you think, but I don't agree." I can agree to disagree on many points, including my faith and politics and many other things, but when people disagreeing with you gets you locked up, it's upsetting.

The things they warn me off could be considered scary/threatening, but it's not them that's doing the threatening. They just tell it like it is. Does that make sense? Sometimes they talk about the weather or what I'm wearing, sometimes they tell me that it's unsafe to leave the flat/do certain things because of XYZ. It's not them that's going to hurt me though. They're warning me so I don't get hurt. I thought I'd explained that to my CPN pretty well, but perhaps I miscommunicated. I don't know.

Another thing that my old CPN said to me is "you've been out of hospital for a long time now." It's been seven months. That is not a long time and is nothing to be congratulated on. New CPN agreed that I'm doing "very well." I am doing OK. My mood is good and I'm enjoying life and I'm working and everything, but since when was working 16 hours a week and not ending up sectioned an achievement? A diagnosis that I don't really agree with does not mean that I can live a much easier life than other people and be praised for it. Yet I am praised for it. Praised for it by people much more successful than I am, that deserve the praise. I'm OK. I'm OK and I am mostly happy and capable, but that is not something that is worthy of other people's admiration.

Aubergine · 06-05-2015, 06:12 PM

Sorry. Rant/tangent. :/

Epicene · 06-05-2015, 06:19 PM

Oh, my heart genuinely goes out to you because I think you do deserve praise. I understand what you're saying but I think you're being harsh on yourself. I think anyone who takes responsibility for their actions and takes positive steps towards recovery deserves recognition, whether you go on to volunteer one day a week or end up as a millionaire isn't necessarily the point.

I think the professionals' perspective is that people with a similar background to you (mental health wise) might not have gone on to achieve what you are currently doing. I get that in comparison to people in life generally you may not feel you are doing anything special, but everyone has different constraints and issues and you can't draw a blanket comparison without acknowledging what you've been through.

I hope you find your new CPN is more flexible to seeing things from your perspective. I don't think there's anything wrong with making sense of the voices as coming from actual people, because ultimately that is your experience.