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Old 18-09-2010, 07:23 PM   #41
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No, it's ok, Chels, and thanks for responding to me, it means a lot.
And thanks. *blush* I see myself as 'fragile yet strong'.

I want to say more, but can't think how best to word it yet.

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Old 18-09-2010, 08:49 PM   #42
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I 'bet' borderline, or some kind of personality disorder is on my medical records, and they're not telling me.
My therapist has pretty much affirmed that I do have 'borderline' stuff going on, but says that labelling it isn't helpful. I agree. Just. If it is in my medical records... I ... [My therapist has no influence over my medical records.]
GP said on Friday that my separation anxiety has got worse over the past 2 years. Well, it's because I'm un-numbing, and starting to trust and relate and all. I've had separation anxiety all my life - with my birth and early experience, who wouldn't - it just shows up in different ways at different times.

Compassion. Keep the focus on compassion.

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Old 18-09-2010, 10:46 PM   #43
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Sometimes it's more helpful to not have a label, because you are less... pre-judged? People seem to have an immediate preconcieved idea if you say "I have BPD", but there is more compassion when you say "I am experience such-and-such due to trauma in my life". The two are often the same, at least it seems to be in my case, but I'd much rather be treated compassionately by my team than be called BPD.

Does having a definite diagnosis feel important to you? It felt really important to me at one time.

Definitely keep the focus on compassion. Some of the most wonderful healing moments I experienced during psychodynamic psychotherapy was learning to sit with my various thoughts and feelings and "parts" of myself. I had no anger toward myself, just curiousity and kindness.

Sorry if I ramble on about me too much, I kinda turn a bit therapist like sometimes o.O

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Old 18-09-2010, 11:52 PM   #44
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Ask to see your records if you want to know for definite. I was never told.

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Old 19-09-2010, 01:49 PM   #45
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Chels, I agree with you.
And I know I've posted similar concerns about myself countless times.

Startingagain, I do trust my GP. I don't believe she would lie to me. But maybe something's unsaid?

I want to say something more detailed, but my thoughts aren't coalescing right now. I'm feeling sad, and awash with floods of feeling shame from time to time. Sort of a retreat into myself.
Last Sunday I 'lost it' nearly completely. I'm scared of that happening again today, even though I'm calmer and more in control of myself today.

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Old 19-09-2010, 04:47 PM   #46
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You obviously have some doubts and they are playing on your mind that maybe they haven't told you something. At the end of the day it is your decision though. One step closers thread put me off a full request.

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Old 19-09-2010, 06:08 PM   #47
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Yep, that stirred up a whole bunch of anxieties in me, too.

Uh. I slept all afternoon. I didn't realise I was so tired. I had a good night's sleep too. Sleeping was so cosy and content. Waking up is a wrench, raw, re-awakens the desolation and rage a little. My head and eyes feel so foggy and heavy and sinking.

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Old 20-09-2010, 10:11 PM   #48
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I understand the feeling of not wanting to get up after a good sleep - especially when it is a rare moments peace.

Thinking of you, Katie. Wish I had better words right now.

Roiben x





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Old 21-09-2010, 07:17 AM   #49
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Thank you Roiben.

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Old 21-09-2010, 01:32 PM   #50
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How are you today, Katie?

*sits with*





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Old 21-09-2010, 06:18 PM   #51
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Thanks. :)

Aware of where my mind is falling through the rifts. So, even though I cannot control this, I'm more aware. It's like I'm watching a movie of part of my mind in a quiet breakdown state. Winnicott said that "the breakdown feared already happened". In my case, when I was a premature newborn in hospital separated from my mother, and traumatised from the near death that was saved by forceps intervention. Typing that... I realise how traumatic that must have been. Well, my body and psyche know that already.. just my conscious mind has a challenge fulling accepting and grasping it because of the depth of pain.
Tired, but working sitting down all day helps.

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Old 21-09-2010, 07:49 PM   #52
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What do I do if it's like last night, and I can't sleep because I'm hyper-ventilating?

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Old 21-09-2010, 10:57 PM   #53
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music helps me, the calming sort though, not anything that makes me more anxious....

also, even though its really difficult to to, if its like a panic attack, the fastest way to get it to end is to just sorta let it happen and observe it. what i've been told to do is pretend that i'm a researcher watching what reaction i have and noting whats happening without getting sucked into the feelings. i'm not really great at this yet, but when i do get it right it does work. focusing on breathing also helps me as well. trying to fill my belly all the way and then let it deflate




this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.

The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.



PM me anytime, I love getting messages :)
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Old 22-09-2010, 02:19 AM   #54
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I'm hoping you are managing to sleep right now.

What do you do/think about outside or work and your therapy sessions? I just wonder because you seem to analyse almost all of your actions and thoughts and sometimes I think that can be more detrimental than helpful. I know that may sound blunt, or maybe even like I am not trying to understand but I can't help wondering. What do you have, or aim for, in your life that is not to do with your psychological difficulties or work?





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Old 22-09-2010, 09:04 AM   #55
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I just want to be a real human being, to feel real.

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Old 22-09-2010, 09:17 AM   #56
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go to therapy and tell them about everything.. hopefully thay can help you fell a bit better or at least help you handle it all a bit better. if you can make it to work tomorrow and need a day off to relax and recover than do what you need to do ok? just try not to stress and worry so much hon..(boy i need to t ake my own advice sometimes haha)
here if you need me/us.
thinking of you. feel free to msg/pm me/us anytime ok?
*hugs*
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Old 22-09-2010, 09:20 AM   #57
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Katie, what does a being a real human look like to you? what does being real feel like? is there any aspect of either or both of those that you could slowly but surely start integrating into your life? I think to be honest you are being especially real with yourself doing all of this difficult, intense therapeutic work - you can't do that by any stretch in a fake way.

be gentle with yourself, i really do understand where you are in the moment, i too in similar place. the thing that helps me is saying just moment by moment, and allowing feelings to just be. you have and are surviving this, even if it doesn't feel that way all the time.

be well.



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Old 22-09-2010, 09:25 AM   #58
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Thank you.

I'm off work today and tomorrow. I want to be at work, there's no structure at home and I feel lonely and bored and lost. But I need the rest.

I know I need more in my life. But I don't feel strong enough. I am too fragile right now. And I struggle socially still, though it's getting better with people I know. It's frustrating and lonely and horrible. But until I'm a 'better person' what else can I do?

I feel so tearful and shut out and sad.

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Old 22-09-2010, 10:47 AM   #59
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i don't think its about being a better person katie, afterall you are a wonderful human being. i know that you said before that you would want a cat, si there any possibility of volunteering at an animal shelter somewhere, i know i am doing that right now, and it helps heaps. sorry i don't have much else ot say ta the moment, no okay myself but. take care



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Old 22-09-2010, 10:52 AM   #60
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Thanks Ashleigh.

My GP said that animal work wouldn't be social enough for what I need.
And anyway, there are many more people who need voluntary work more than me. Really ill people, and people who don't have jobs.

I have a job. At the moment. Rumours are circulating again of places being shut. But it seems just media rumour. Again. But what do I know?

Sorry. Just feeling really low. And am having trouble with self criticism along with anguished inner needy cries of my very young self state.

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