Noone wants me around. And professionals don't know what to do with me, I've been begging for help for too long. I clearly don't deserve it. I'm not meant to be helped, I am nothing. I doubt I'm even real.
The amount of hatred I feel for this world is eating at me. I feel sick to my stomach everyday, ashamed, uneasy, I feel as if I'm see-through and various things completely expose me. I don't like feeling exposed.
I'm losing everything that matters to me, and just losing a guy that meant alot to me this morning, it's an answer I suppose. They're giving me the feeling it was my fault, yes, yet a sign also. GIVE. UP.
Tbh I don't know the reason, it came on suddenly, as it does. Then everything goes to shít. I CANT DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN! I can't cope. I AM NOT COPING, I'm enduring.
And this whole week it's just urges and urges, and I'm getting so tired now.
Let them control me. Aye? I can die, and my last moments would be bliss. They make it sound so ... fair.
Why should I live any way? I'm like a puzzle piece that does not fit into the world. People even try to make me paranoid, I know it's them sometimes. And I don't know how they do some things, and knowledge is control. We're all just fúcking expiriments anyway. A herd of sheep. We're like slaves.
Well I like the illusion that we're all designed to have, I'd like to be a little following sheep, oblivious.
Yet I don't, I fúcking despise it.
And I hate living, even in that illusion, purely for the sexual benifit of others. I HATE being A sex. I hate myself. I want to tear myself to pieces. I'd feel comfortable as a skeleton. Then noone can look at me in disgusting ways, and use me.
I can't even communicate whats going on! I can say how I feel, watch - terrified, in so much pain I can hardly bear it, angry, hateful.
Yet I deserve this do I not? I was born a bad person. They offer me a way out of it all and stomp my feet like a child, as if I deserve any better.