My name is Richard... I'm confident that I'm suffering some form of mental illness, or lack of "emotional" functionality. I do not know if assistance would be found within a forum such as this, but it was the second from the top resulted in google.com. Obivously, finding a random forum on the internet is a very long shot of accurate relation and proper discussion of matters that are this important. However, I'm giving it a shot because I never have before.
I'll do my best to try and fill out what I'm feeling included with information supporting the first personal documentation, and realization of what ever it is I am experiencing.
I'm currently twenty one, and what I use to feel has become very mild to the point of it almost not being noticed. Let me give you a little background history up to the point of it becoming 'prevalent'.
Through my teens, beginning around 14 I began exploring areas of life that I'm sure most do, but some that are definitely not healthy. I heavily smoked marijuana for roughly 4-5 years... Ever since I began, most of the activities that I used to be interested in began to fade, and my brain was not being stimulated enough by primarily cutting off my education at an effective level. In addition, I was in a relationship with a girl for most of that time that eventually ended: What ever you call what we had was not healthy for either of our mentalities, but I know for a fact that it affected me in complete negativity as for the result of how I mentally reacted after the fact was horrible.
I quit smoking marijuana right around or at 18... but it had been a decision that was made a while before it happened. A few reasons was intense feelings of anxiety, and feeling after the fact like I did not know who I was any more. Up to the point right before that, I took shrooms for my first time... I took an eigth myself, and as others did at the beach. We began in the late afternoon, so the sun eventually went away and my ending trip was during that period of time. I felt like I lost my mind, as I'm sure people do, but it was definitely a bad trip. I never felt as good as I did that night coming back as I ever have in my life over any thing else.
However, right after that within weeks I began to feel completely different. A combination of events triggered what ever it was that I was going through, and it hit hard. The relationship that I was in ended, ultimately making every thing worse. What I was feeling had been of a magnitude never experienced prior. Intense feelings of anxiety, and lonelyness. I literally felt like I did not know who I was, and there was a lot going on within my head... I was losing it in the sense of complete isolation, so when I should have been around people that I needed the most I was not. My ability to be in a social environment, and how to communicate as normal had been disappearing, and ultimately my function disappeared. These symptoms lasted a complete year until they began to fade. When I said anxiety, I'm talking about that feeling in your stomach that's so uncomfortable that you can never relax. What ever that is, I call anxiety, lasted literally for a year straight, and still to this day, thinking about those days makes that feeling return for a couple seconds.
Some of those feelings I had experienced subsided such as the anxiety, ability to communicate and react well in a social environmet. However, I do not feel right to this day. I feel as if there's something missing, and that it's not "right on" as it should be... like my mentality is derailed, and I only have semi-brain fucntionality. Most importantly, I do not believe my emotions are in tune. It's like... I know how to act in any one particular situation, and know what to say but there aren't any legitimate feelings behind them. I'm involuntarily responding to dialoge based on already knowing what to say from what ever is said to me, but it's not real.
The next best descriptive word to explain how I feel would be "passive", and "not awake".
Life itself is going well at this moment, but I do not feel like I'm actually here and able to enjoy it. There's something lacking within me, and I lost it about 3 and something years ago... I have no idea on how to identify what I am experiencing, given the large quantity of other mental disabilities out there. I have not gone to a doctor, because I feel if I were to explain what I am feeling that they would not actually understand, and mistreat what I'm experiencing with an ineffective drug, or method to restore my mental state.
I used to be right on key, right on emotion, and able to feel things legitimately. The last time that I actually really cared and felt some thing was before I turned 18... I'm now 21, and will be 22 at the end of this year.
Well, I do not want to state any further information at this time unless required. I'd like to see if any one has any input behind what I've just talked about, but as I said earlier, it's a long shot at finding any accurately true relation, and discussion based upon the fact this is over the internet.
If you have any thing to say, comments/questions/suggestions, then please let it be known. I'm only here using this site as a "stepping stool" in order to further get in the right direction, or place, that I need to be in.
Thanks,
Richard
P.S.
Also, I do not know if I'm on the right side, or even in the correct 'area' of the site for what I'm seeking. If I am not, then please let me know I'll go there.
Hey Richard, Yeah, I think you're in the right place
I don't have any experience with drugs, so I can't comment on whether what your feeling is a direct result of taking them, but I would strongly recommend going to speak to a doctor. I felt very similar to how you're feeling, for about a year, but then developed psychotic symptoms. I was terrified of the doctor, for the same reasons you don't want to go. I was scared that they would pass it off as nothing, tell me it was "just teenage hormones" or "nothing to worry about" or even worse, that they would give me medication and leave me to it. I think a doctor would do his level best to understand you, or if he couldn't, refer you to a psychiatrist or someone who does. But anyway, in one way or another, they would try to help you.
You might find that a talking therapy, for example counselling, might be able to help you, instead of medications.
What I'm trying, and probably not doing very well at, is saying that you know that things aren't right for you, as you've said, there's something lacking. But the professional support out there would be able to find something that's right for you, something that can help you.
Sorry, it's a bit long and waffly, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say
Sorry I can't say anymore, but just wanted you to know that 'depression' doesn't just mean feeling sad, it can mean (and does for a lot of people) the inability to summon up any form of emotion, feeling of emptiness and blank-ness etc.
im going thru a rough time so am not in the place to be offering advice, but wanted to let you know that i read your post, and welcome to ryl:) hope you get the help you need, take care
"just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it turned into a beautiful butterfly..."
Hello Richard, RL is a support based forum so for that you are in the correct place. We can not, however, diagnose any mental illnesses for you - only your Dr, Physian or Psychiatrist can do that. Therefore if you are seeking an accurate diagnosis and advice on what treatment is suitable for you, your best option is to book an appointment with your GP. I am not sure I understand what you mean by thinking the Dr will not understand, but there is nothing wrong with trying, asking to be referred to a local cmht or counsellor for example may help.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.