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Old 06-12-2009, 12:13 AM   #1
Tia4tw
 
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What am i doing?

Finally i have found the one firend i can truly open up to, someone who i trust entirely and i hope she trusts me as well. i dont close up when i try to tlak to her. But i dont know what im doing anymore because i look back at the past year and i think "Was that me? Did i really do those things? Why do i see my memories as if i was someone watching it happen not from my point of view?". i dont understand whats going on its almost like it wasn't me self harming... it wasn't me sayign and doing those horrible things but i bare the guilt of all the things the other me did. I cant seem to pull myself out of this depression that i seem to be spiralling downwards into.
Im so confused as to what my boundaries are with people, what to say and what not to say so i usually say : nothing.
Physical boundaries, like im ok with hugging people i seem to hug them a lot but i cant stand someone grabbing my hand or wrist or arm or touching my hand, and when people touh my arm in a way to be pleasant and tickle my arm all i feel is pain. My friend who i can open up to, i dont mind her falling asleep on my legs when i stayed at hers, or the fact she is always hugging me and making me jump but if she tries to sit and rest her head on me i start to get uncomfortable and uneasy and it feels... weird.
i feel like im suffocating and i cant escape this fate. i dont know what to do and who to talk to because im afraid if i tell her these things it'll be too soon to tell her these things. something inside me jsut wont let me tell anyone except for ehre where nobody has seen the fake me. the one that walks around everyday plastering on a fake smile and laugh.
what do i do?



Rianne, or you can call me Tia ^.^


Never let go of who you are.


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Old 06-12-2009, 06:24 PM   #2
Isoverity
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia4tw View Post
But i dont know what im doing anymore because i look back at the past year and i think "Was that me? Did i really do those things? Why do i see my memories as if i was someone watching it happen not from my point of view?". i dont understand whats going on its almost like it wasn't me self harming... it wasn't me sayign and doing those horrible things but i bare the guilt of all the things the other me did. I cant seem to pull myself out of this depression that i seem to be spiralling downwards into.
The problem is your functioning from conditioning or "false programming" of sorts. People do have a false self and a true one, and very often people who hate themselves don't hate themselves but the "person" they became that they are in conflict with.

Part of that problem is being lost in thoughts and emotions. You know that when you get upset your mind races - and then that causes more upset so it's a cycle. When a person sinks into their thinking and feeling they lose objective awareness and can lose touch with themselves if not reality itself. This is a reason a lot of arty type people are more prone to pyschosis - they live in their thoughts and feelings.

The fact you are aware of what's been happening to you is very good. You'll come back to yourself. There have been things in life that upset you and caused you to doubt yourself and that causes more upset. It's natural to feel hurt, pain etc but those go away if they are left alone to health. Adding resentment to the experiences is what really does the damage.

That is especially true with parents because if you resent your parents you will feel anxious, guilty, low and self conflicted. It's ok not to like them if they weren't good but to hate them is deadly.

You don't need to analyze too much because that breeds confusion. If you let go of the suppressed emotions naturally and don't struggle you will find a new clarity and you will have "realisations" or "aha" experiences as you re-connect with your roots. Any bad habits like SI or smoking, drinking etc can clear up on their own once the driving force is reduced. Struggling with symptoms makes things worse and causes a sense of futility and demoralisation. When you don't have suppressed negative feelings anymore there will be no need for releases, coping mechanisms etc.



"Not all those who wander are lost" Tolkien

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