What you have just written is incredibly moving and a real representation (as far as I can see), of how you feel. Is it possible to show that to the pysch/CPN next time?
I'm not sure if it says anything other than I can't say anything, and it wouldn't be understood because on the outside it looks like it is communication. I'm disconnected on the inside but things keep looking normal on the outside. I'm not sure if what my CPN meant by I didn't communicate as well as the last time I saw the psych and what I mean by I can't communicate well are anywhere near the same thing.
My key worker came today to do a review and I felt detached. My opportunity to reach out for some understanding and I'm still mute and far away.
There is nothing.
I went for a walk in the rain but I wasn't there. I am never there. I don't exist. Nothing exists.
Just delete what remains of 'me'.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I'm communicating a bit better now but I didn't manage to say much to my CPN today. Might just have been because I saw her on Friday with my psych so there wasn't the usual 2 weeks between seeing her.
I'm getting so anxious/overwhelmed/tired worrying about everyone. Not exactly everyone but people in general. On Sunday I was going to the shop and just before I left the house it was the 1 minute silence and I saw the people being silent on the football pitch. There were still people and a band at the memorial park when I walked past. I felt really guilty, like I should observe every kind of remembrance/awareness day and support every charity. I feel selfish and upset that there is hurt in the world.
I was going a walk with a support worker on Monday and it was pouring with rain when I was walking to the place to meet her. I was really worried that she would get soaked on our walk and would have to go through her working day wet. I kept considering phoning her but I was too anxious. I remembered when the OT at the hospital got soaked by the rain when we were walking. I feel very guilty and like I should apologise to him but I could only do that by writing him a letter and it would probably seem weird. I know it's not a massively bad thing I've done but I'm still hugely sorry and it feels like he needs to know. I wonder if people think I don't care more about the extra bad things I've done because I say I'm sorry for smaller things. I do recognise the big wrongs and they do make me feel more guilty than smaller things. I just feel like I have to apologise for every single negative thing I do to other people.
I've been watching a lot of hospital/ambulance documentaries and they are always busy and short of beds and resources. No wonder people treated me badly when I ended up in A&E for MH related physical issues that people see as deliberate, my fault, and a waste of resources. People don't understand that physical responses to MH aren't something that can always be avoided.
Today my CPN said something about how I might always be suicidal at points but it's how I act on those feelings that matters. That confirms that no one would be concerned about my distress now that I can't harm myself well enough. She had seen my previous psychologist and he was pleased with how I'm doing. They think psychology was too concerned about me being suicidal. Now no one will take my suicidal feelings seriously at all. When I left she said she's not going to be off so I can phone her if I need to. She hasn't said that for a while. I wish I had the courage and the right words to get help when I need it. I am never going to be properly heard and supported ever again because people mostly listen to behaviours not words. It's like if someone loses the physical ability to cry it doesn't mean that they aren't distressed because they can't produce tears. Although I could probably harm myself better if I really tried, I'm just making excuses likely.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can't do anything. There's no solution. The informal crisis team are busy so don't answer the phone most of the time and when they do I hang up anyway. I thought about going to buy stuff to overdose on. I'm so tired and overdosing will only mean hanging around A&E etc for hours. I can't go to bed early because it will mess up my sleeping pattern. I need someone. I can't talk on the phone.I want to kill myself in X way but can't stay up until after midnight. I wish I had the words and the courage to phone and speak to someone on crisis or Breathing Space. I am so alone. No one hears my pain because I can't communicate it properly. I have no words and no actions. I am mute and trapped and in emotional pain. There is no point in life, in me. I want to harm myself well in a controlled way. Give me back my ability. There are only people at the end of the phone, if anyone answers, but I can't talk over the phone. There's just ticking clocks and cats. Terrible pain and no communication, no comfort. I'm not a child any more. I'm not a vulnerable adult. I should sort myself out. Just hurry up and end this. Quit holding off. It's ok. It's for the best. I am disconnected even when I say I feel a bit more connected. I don't belong here. I have no comfortable form. I am evil and so, so tired of existing. What can I do when I can't even self harm well enough? Let go. Soon RYL will disappear and there won't be anywhere to go. I could try and phone my CPN tomorrow but by tomorrow there will be fewer words.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I want to rage at myself, I want damage! Please, please, please. I can't deal with anything.
I didn't phone anyone today. I phoned the informal crisis team about half an hour ago but hung up as I knew I would. I can't communicate properly anyway. I will never be able to get enough support from other people for things to ease, especially now I'm rubbish at talking on the phone again. Plus health services are stretched so I shouldn't use them unless I'm in an extreme crisis.
Please someone hear me even though I can't make a sound. I don't even exist. Everything is an illusion.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
What can I do when I want to self harm so much but it isn't working well? I'm really sad and distressed by my failing abilities. This is probably wrong but I am jealous of people who can hurt themselves well easily and can swallow lots of tablets. I'm also jealous of people who can act on impulse and not have to worry about distressing their fragile brother. What am I going to do with my pain and needs? There is nothing. Nothing. It's sort of like I'm paralysed although obviously not as awful as that, I'm stuck inside myself and I can't seem to do the things I want/need to be doing to express myself or ease pain and stuff. The only time I am free and able to do these things is when I'm dreaming. Most nights I dream about self harming and attempting suicide and being risky and being honest and blunt about my feelings to people who might offer me support. I don't think anyone would offer me any support in real life because I'm not a danger to myself, and I can't make a phone call anyway. I never communicate what I want to communicate when it comes to appointments, I am more blank. Plus it feels like nothing exists and nothing is real and my interactions with people are imaginary so there's no point in even trying to talk. I feel so alone. I will never have healthy connections in my life anyway. I should stop being so needy. I am needy but I don't act needy, I don't reach out to people. I need some comfort and support, but from a professional not a peer or a relative. I hate myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I've been less triggered to hurt myself. I went a walk with my support worker on Monday and she said my CPN wants her to support me to do things to make life easier rather than just going for a walk so we've to go to a cafe next Monday. I can actually do this myself sometimes and it will be more awkward with the support worker there but I'll do as I'm told. I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow and I looked over what I've written in my diary since I last saw her but nothing seems worth bringing up. I copied a bit of what I wrote here but it only explains my pain and I don't think my CPN wants to know about that over and over again. I'm a bit worried that she's now going to want me to be doing something more active during our appointments so I won't get to talk about things. Life is all about making progress not standing still and just trying to be stable or cope with things, and that scares me because trying to make progress involves doing unpleasant things that might make me feel worse. I'm a disgrace of a human. I am pointless and I am weak. I am afraid of what being an adult entails.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sadly I can relate, as I've been turning back to some old ways to cope and I'm not happy, but things are stressful now.
I'm sorry you're suffering, I know I don[t know you well, but you don't at all seem like a disgrace of a human by any stretch; you seem caring and compassionate to others.
I hope things get better because you deserve to not feel this way as much as anybody else you compare yourself to when you feel this way.
You might think you're a horrible person and I know you don't believe it when we tell you otherwise but there are SO SO SO many people who are worse human beings than you (not saying you're a bad person in the slightest - just trying to put it in to some perspective?)
And yes, being an adult is scary. No one finds it easy... but you won't be thrown into it and expect to just cope - you'll have lots of help.
Thank you for your kind replies. It's nice of you to say those things, I'm glad I'm not perceived by others the same way as I perceive myself.
The way my CPN described things today with regards to challenging myself sounded way less pressured than the way the support worker described it. My CPN said I don't have to go to a cafe every week but she wants me to do something nice and also do things that are outside my comfort zone. She said she's happy with how things are at the moment. People have said they just want me to keep myself safe and do things I like but that's not really what life is about, so why should I get a break?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
(Argh, I typed a big long reply to this and then my browser went crazy and deleted it... so sorry if this second attempt doesn't make sense...)
Do you feel better after talking to your CPN?
There is no pressure. You have to do things at your own pace and no one should be expecting you to throw yourself in at the deep end. Leaving a comfort zone has to be done in small stages.
You're kind of right that life isn't just about keeping yourself safe, of course that should always be number 1, but everyone has to step out of their comfort zone now and then and it can be a really satisfying thing to do even if it feels awful at the time.
The good thing about a comfort zone is that you don't have to be out of it for ages or very far... and you can always return to it any time you like. It's about finding a good balance.
I have nothing to add except from the fact that I think you're wonderful. :)
Someone once told me that managing a chronic mental health condition is like having a full time job that you can't quickly resign from, so really, you are working exceptionally hard every day. I think you deserve to do things you can enjoy as a reward for continuing on despite the fact you struggle so much. <3
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I would say that being safe and doing things you like is absolutely what life is about. Whatever that means to you is totally the right thing to pursue.
NP, thank you for taking the time to write a reply and to reply again when it disappeared. (On a side note, I copy my replies before posting because sometimes it takes a while and RYL logs you out, not sure if this is what happened with you.)
I do feel reassured by my CPN most of the time, she is the best CPN I have ever had. I think that I worry so much about what other people are thinking and I often have no idea and just assume the worst. I feel like life is so work oriented and that makes me believe that everyone just wants me to hurry up and get a job and that they won't be patient with me. People do go on about my potential quite a bit. It helps to hear that I can go at my own pace. The one thing I'm unsure of though is how patient my psychiatrist will be as he thinks things should be solved overnight. My CPN said it's because he doesn't see me often and he doesn't see the small achievements and setbacks etc that she sees when we have regular appointments.
I have also been told that, that having MH problems is like having a full time job. I do believe that. But occasionally there are times where I am doing ok and I think I'm not even having to battle anything I'm just being lazy. I said to my CPN when I saw her that I've been alright recently and she was saying well done for all the things I've been putting in place with trying to sort out my thoughts etc and I said I don't feel like I've even been doing anything because I'm not battling as hard as I usually do. She said I probably am battling just as hard in my head and that I should try and enjoy the more restful time I'm having with my thoughts and moods at the moment.
I was at the gym group today. When I was on the bus home with one of the people she said that she and someone else might be going to the gym themselves at some point and that I could come with them if I wanted. I really don't understand why she invited me. I feel like I am a huge, awkward idiot. I'm so uncomfortable being me. I have no idea how to feel better about myself and not be so harsh and critical and bullying.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
