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Old 23-01-2014, 04:24 AM   #61
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I like watching Dr. Phil.

Ok, now that that confession is out of the way...

The other day, he had a woman on his show that was cutting. I remember thinking this was strange because I was just complaining to myself a few days earlier that I had never seen a show of his on the subject. Anyway, after she made that confession to him, he pulled her chair around to face him and got really serious with her. He said that he knew she felt like nobody cared, but that he cared and he wasn't going to let her just slip away. He told her that what she was doing was not ok and pointed to the scars on her arm. He said, "And now you're dealing with this. Look at this!" He seemed genuinely concerned and compassionate about her, like of all of the things that she talked about before that, this pushed it over the edge for him.

Interesting.

I have two thoughts about this. The first is that I never have that reaction about my own self harm. I think that when you wrestle with this for so long, the giant beast that it is doesn't seem so big and scary anymore. Which is actually a very scary place to be in. You never want to underestimate the beast...

I understood her though. I understand the moments when hurting yourself is the lesser of your two evils. I totally get trying to control a physical pain to make up for an emotional one that is so intense and yet so abstract that you can't even decide if it's real. I think of the young girls I know that have struggled with this, and it makes me physically ill to think that they do this to themselves. I wonder if I will ever feel like that for myself.

Secondly, the whole episode made me want to throw the television through the window. A bit extreme I suppose, but I was bothered to say the least. I cannot tell you how many times I have prayed for that scenario to transpire in my own life. It's just not going to happen. I started this because I was on my own with no help, and now here I am stopping it under the same circumstances.

I hate that I felt like I had to choose this. I've never even had the luxury of having an addiction that people could know about. Even in expressing my pain, it's always been about finding a way to keep it from people that couldn't know so I could still take care of them. Sometimes I just want to shout it out to the world, but they wouldn't understand. Drugs, sex, addictions with life-altering consequences; now those they understand. But this, this that I kept to myself, that I chose in order to save people from seeing me fall apart...

Nope, this is just weird.

Go figure.


Last edited by SoSimple : 23-01-2014 at 04:32 AM.


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Old 24-01-2014, 04:47 AM   #62
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I haven't hurt myself in over three months now. I know I should feel good about it and that it's an accomplishment, but I've hit the same brick wall that I always do at this point in the game. I am so afraid to just let this go. It's become an unfortunate part of me and the thought of it not being an option anymore is terrifying. It's like open heart surgery without the sedation.

I want to relapse. But I don't. But I do...

I'm finding it difficult to walk through this without talking to someone who understands it. The only person that I talk to about this is incredibly helpful and supportive, but I can feel his frustrations when I tell him I'm still tempted. I think that from the other side, "just don't do it" seems so logical and so much easier.

If there were actually anyone out there who cared, I would ask for some support. I would ask for an "Atta girl" or a "You can do it," even if they were lies. Just to hear someone recognize me might be enough. But tonight I realized that the last time someone wrapped their arms around me for more than 2 seconds was when I lived a thousand miles away. I'm not ok with where I am, I'm not ok with the way that I feel, and there's no one here to help.

Same old story. Same unanswered cries.

Time to go to bed now.


Last edited by SoSimple : 24-01-2014 at 04:53 AM. Reason: Edits


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Old 24-01-2014, 07:28 PM   #63
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My words are like poison that run inside of me. The letters swirl around in my bloodstream, attacking me every chance they get, biting away at my soul. It leaves me feeling exhausted. You should never have to fight against yourself for survival.

When I open up my skin, I imagine them pouring out of me. They don't even need to be coherent or well put together. They could come out in pieces for all I care, as long as they come out of me. As long as they leave and never come back.

I was a child once, for a moment. I played and danced and loved as much as I could. It was only for a moment, and then that moment was taken away. I'm not sure how much more is left inside of me. Every incident that happens leaves me that much more torn open. I am a raw and broken person behind a solid metal shield. And I'm tired.

There is no hero to this story. There won't be a climactic moment where someone comes and swoopes me up and takes me in and gives me another chance at life. That story's not real. At least it never will be for me. I've been alone too long to spend any more time wasting away in front of a window, staring off into the sunset and waiting for my hero to appear.

It's just me here. Me and my words in a battle I am sure to lose.


Last edited by SoSimple : 04-10-2014 at 01:40 AM. Reason: Edits


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Old 16-02-2014, 03:51 AM   #64
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I just don't understand life sometimes. I see people all around me that are able to just live and breathe and be. I don't know why I don't have that luxury. Everything is a battle and a struggle and a fight for me. And I am exhausted at it all.

I hate my life here. I want to pick up and move right now. But I feel so guilty leaving my family. There is a song that describes my life perfectly. I think everyone has at least one life song, and at the moment this one is mine. There is a line in it that says, "I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong...I'm moving on." I don't understand why I am so unhappy around the people I care the most about in this world. All I do know is that the longer I here, the more apparent it is that staying just isn't possible.

Lots of people live far away from their families and parents, and they don't feel guilty about it. But I do. I am pulled in two different directions all the time and there is no way to stop it. Do you know what it's like to live your life pulled and stretched all the time?

I'm not feeling all that poetic tonight. I'm just raw and so is this rambling. I burst into tears randomly, I'm angry and confused, and every day that I don't harm makes me that much more anxious. I just want the freedom to live in peace and not be afraid of it or feel guilty because of it.

Will someone please tell me how to do that?

I wish I could be treated like I were in a crisis situation, because to me it feels that way. There is only so much pressure one can hold before they inevitably burst or break in an irreparable way. I wonder if someone knew (as in were able to experience) how I felt, if they would think it was a dire enough situation to require action. I wish I knew how to even measure the abstract feelings I have.

I just want to go.



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Old 16-02-2014, 06:36 PM   #65
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I very much understand wanting to be able to measure the severity of feelings, because it's hard to know whether you're overreacting or not :/

Even if this is raw, know that I still enjoy reading your ramblings :)



I feel insane every single time
I'm asked to compromise
Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways
And that's the way it stays
So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?
By that look on your face I may have forced the scale to tip

I'm not insane, I'm not insane.

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Old 17-02-2014, 02:40 AM   #66
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I agree, it's difficult for me to tell sometimes. And thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I'm so glad someone is enjoying it. :)



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Old 23-02-2014, 04:18 AM   #67
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There are a million and one reasons not to do this tonight.

They all keep going through my head, and I keep piling them up and hoping it will be enough. This feeling is awful. It's like I caged the monster inside of me and it is fighting and scratching at my insides, trying desperately to break free from within me. I cannot let him go. No matter how badly it hurts, I cannot let him go...

It's been a long, hard year. Everything is twisted and upside down and nothing makes any sense anymore. And this is the year I chose to fight this beast. Such bad timing.

But there are a million and one reasons, I suppose. None of which have much to do with me, but they are valid nonetheless. And I have to fight and hold on and be strong and don't give up and yada yada yada.

I know that eventually I will shrink this beast into a mouse, and that I will just chase it away instead of waiting for it to attack. I know that one day I will look back and be so grateful to the me that is here, sitting on my hands and writing blogs and doing anything but giving in. I have started to become more proud and fulfilled with the feelings of victory that I get when I go to bed without injury. I do wish that just one of those reasons could be about me. Maybe I'm just not in the right place yet to be able to find a reason for myself to keep going. But I am doing it, and I guess that's all that matters.

This process is filled with frustration and excitement and victory and some really really long nights. And sometimes I feel more alone than I did when I was harming. I'm not sure how to elaborate on that but it is the truth. But I suppose, in the here and now, it comes down the the fact that I am here, right now, and I haven't given in.

So I won't harm. I can't dwell on the past or worry about the future. I can only pile up my million and one reasons to go to bed and throw the sharpness away. Sorry monster, but it's not happening. I won't do it tonight.

At least not tonight...


Last edited by SoSimple : 23-02-2014 at 04:41 AM.


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Old 23-02-2014, 05:48 AM   #68
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Brilliant updates, thanks for sharing



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 18-03-2014, 02:53 AM   #69
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I'm fighting to stay on the right side of sanity.

I have been so used to being hyper vigilant and overly anxious. My body understood how to function in that way. But recently, a load has been lifted off of my shoulders, which I will go into detail about in a later writing. It seems, however, that my body is trying to detox from all of the stress and over emotion I've been walking in all this time. I'm exhausted and I feel like someone has just hit my reset button. I know that there is good on the other side, however. For once, I see my future as something good...

My mind is still in confusion and wants to revert back to the only safety it knew. If I was constantly stressed and looking and upset, then nothing would ever catch me off guard like it did before. At least I would never be knocked off of my feet again. I've decided to take the chance and allow myself to live as a normal, imperfect human being. My mind and body are slowly catching up.

It sounds so odd but I swear it feels like a detox. Like when you drink nothing but water and fruit juice for a week so that your body can flush out all of the toxins and harmful substances it has been living off of thus far. The detox is rough and exhausting, but at the end you are clean and fresh and all the better.

God, I hope this feeling stays. I hope I get to just live now.

I think it would be really nice to just be free.



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Old 26-03-2014, 01:18 AM   #70
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I was 14, the first time that I cut myself.

It made me feel nauseous and scared. I didn't understand how my life had come to the point where I was hurting myself to feel better. I just had so much inside of me and I was so afraid to let anyone in. I figured I'd rather deal with it than run the risk of someone hearing and knowing my most intimate thoughts and memories and not caring. It was the scariest thought in the world to me, talking to someone, but it was also what I wanted more than anything else. I had so much that I felt I couldn't share and so much that I thought no one would understand. And then dealing with it in a way that you can't talk about doesn't help at all.

In fact, it was incredibly lonely.

I did everything I could to be as good and right as possible. I just wanted to be perfect so that I didn't give anyone a reason not to love me. I mean, who doesn't love a perfect person, right? If I was never bad, no one would ever have a reason to leave. So I channeled everything I didn't like about myself into this one dark secret that I kept. This way, no one would ever have to know how imperfect I really was. It sounds so ridiculous when I say it that way, but it makes so much sense to me at the same time.

There were so many times that I wanted the world to know. People always talk about the people who hurt themselves "for attention." I don't believe in that. I think that sometimes people begin to sink and they don't know what to do about it. Sinking is not glamorous or convenient or politically correct. It's heartbreaking and overwhelming and a mess, just like I felt I was. I didn't know the prettiest or most presentable way to tell someone I was going under. This was all I knew. It was my unfortunate choice of drug that became the monster that would t let me go.

The thing I wanted most in this world was to be heard and for someone to validate what I was feeling. I was so lost in it that I wasn't even sure what I was feeling was legitimate or real anymore. Did I have the right to feel this way? Did my story justify all of the scars? I wanted to be seen, but not as something bad or wrong. That's why people don't talk to each other about these things. I didn't want anyone to all of a sudden see me as a different person because of this. And a lot of them would have.

It is a process. It's a battle and it hurts and sometimes you want to just say screw it and go back because at least it's something. At least it's always there and you don't have to explain yourself to it and it lets you come no matter what the occasion. It's all a lie...and we all know that. But sometimes I just wanted a moment where I didn't have to feel or think or be anything. I just wanted a moment of silence, of peace. I would deal with the reprocussions later. And boy, am I dealing with them.

We all have our stories. We all have those moments that threaten to break us, when our lives are so suffocating that we would do nearly anything just to peel back a layer and breathe. Idk if I'm the best example of recovery or anything, and I think that's exactly what people need. It's exactly what I need...

...to just be real.


Last edited by SoSimple : 26-03-2014 at 02:57 AM.


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Old 17-06-2014, 04:11 AM   #71
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I haven't self-harmed since November. 7 months I've gone without the monster. If I were to tell anyone else that, they would be happy for me and probably resolve in their minds that I must be doing "better." I wish that were true. The truth is that not harming doesn't make me ok. If it did, I would never hurt myself again. But sometimes not harming seems more harmful to me. I'm hurting, and not hurting myself makes it hurt all the more.

I've had anxiety attacks at work so badly that my boss sent me to the back to "clean" for 3 hours until I could stop crying. My blood pressure is high and I just went to my doctor for heart palpitations. I clench and grind my teeth so much and so hard that I am getting pounding migraines that won't go away.

But hey, I haven't cut myself, so there ya go.

Sometimes the thoughts are so intrusive. Sometimes when I accidentally bang my arm on a shelf or something the pain is in enticing. There are days when all I want to do is sit in a room balled up in a corner because I'm trying so hard not to let my hands do anything they shouldn't be doing. I'm not depressed, not in the least. But my day is like a roller coaster that swings from the lowest of depths to the tallest cloud and back again. In a split second my mind will change frames from a tragic film full of pain and despair to freaking a Disney movie.

But hey, I'm not harming...

There are a lot of things I want out of life. But lately, if I could just find someone who is willing to sit and listen to the scramblings of my fighting mind and still want to know more, I would be more than content. It seems like the simplest thing I guess, if you have it. But to have no one comfort you or hold you or wrap their arms around you for no other reason than that you are there, and the love they have inside for you compels them to do so...it makes you cold and pushes you back. It's a catch 22 I suppose. I haven't had it and it has made me close myself off to anyone who would even want to try. And I don't know how to change that.

So here I sit with this burning desire inside of me that I am trying so desperately not to act on and nothing to satisfy it with. How long before it devours me from the inside out? I guess the risk is to see if it explodes or shrinks when it gets to the point where it has no more room to grow. It will either push me out and take over, or realize it can't win and starve out. But the greater question is, will I make it that far?


Last edited by SoSimple : 17-06-2014 at 04:21 AM. Reason: Edits, of course.


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Old 18-06-2014, 01:43 AM   #72
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How do you talk to someone about this? How do you say, "Hey, I'm not okay and I really want to hurt myself because of it." And then what do you say? And does it help? And do they listen?

I want to help other people get out of this so badly. It's what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. But I can't be trying to climb out of this hole myself at at the same time. I know I would make a great counselor. I know how to listen to people and what they need from someone who cares. What I don't know is what that actually feels like.

It's so hard and it's so much work. Sometimes I want to give up just for a moment of peace and a good sleep. It's an unfair trade and I know it, but I guess it doesn't really matter. If I give in I feel like it disqualifies me from helping anyone else. And that would make things that much worse.



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Old 04-10-2014, 01:35 AM   #73
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My one year is coming up.

Holy. Crap.

I completely understand why this is freaking me out. I don't think I'm at the place yet where I can jump up and down and rejoice in being free from self-harm. I still have days that are very hard, that I want to give in and the one year thing doesn't convince me otherwise. But now I'm helping people and talking to them and showing them ways to come out of this awful cycle. And I really don't want to give that up.

But I still very much remember sitting on the shower floor curled up in a ball and rocking back and forth to keep myself safe. I remember the anxiety attacks and day long migraines, the feeling of my skin wanting to crawl off of my body and my mind not being able to wrap around anything but causing pain to create silence. I just wish that the feeling of victory was more prevalent than the urge to go back and start from the beginning, and it's not yet. But it makes no sense to go back, so I just keep on.

Idk what I'm trying to say. My brain feels like spaghetti right now. I just missed this journal and the forum and the feeling that I had something to hide. Is that weird? I guess it shouldn't matter. It's not like hurting yourself is normal. But lots of people hurt each other when they feel bad. I would much rather take it out on myself. Why pass along the pain?

Anyway, since my year is coming up and the weather is getting colder and I'm feeling very tempted, you'll probably be hearing a lot more from me. If I can't have the harm to hide, I can at least have some secret thoughts.

At least it's something.


Last edited by SoSimple : 04-10-2014 at 02:12 AM.


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Old 08-10-2014, 07:06 PM   #74
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It's like a burning right under your skin. Like you need to let out the heat and you will keep feeling creepy-crawlies until you do. My skin dances and moves and it won't sit still. Not unless I tell it to...not unless I make it.

I would love to know what will make it just go away. But I feel like it's not that simple. It's never been that simple.

I have a lot of words but they're not coming out right now. Just too much. I think I'll sleep and give my mind a chance to catch up.



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Old 14-10-2014, 08:55 PM   #75
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Am I supposed to be ok? Is everyone else ok? How does this work exactly?

I wish all symptoms were psychosomatic. That way we couldn't lie about it anymore. Oh, your right arm is twitching? You must be depressed. Your hair just turned blue? That's from anxiety. And those polka dots on your face must mean that you're really serious about all of those times you threatened to kill yourself. I guess we'll try to help now. When people can actually see it, they tend to finally start believing you. Most of the time.

That's why I miss my scars. The fresh cuts, the bruises on my legs, the obvious cries for help. I guess I should grow up and just learn to use my voice, but would it be heard? Would anyone understand? What if they don't believe me?

11 months, and this is my breaking point. And I don't even know if I want to make it.


Last edited by SoSimple : 14-10-2014 at 09:02 PM.


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Old 15-10-2014, 07:13 PM   #76
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I'm getting that feeling again.

The one where you're all hot and tingly and way too close to doing something you know you shouldn't do. If I were impulsive, it would have already been done by now. But my mind turns 100 times over and I'm left dizzy and without thoughts.

Just this feeling.

I've been fighting this for so long. It hasn't been this bad in a long time, but suddenly I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I can. I keep thinking of all of the people I will let down, all of the kids I talk to who do the same things and all of the times I tell them that it gets better and they don't have to go this route. But the truth is, I fight it every day. And days like this I come far too close to starting over.

If I give up once, is that it? Will I spiral out of control again? Will people know? Can I do it just this once and get away with it? But there is never just once.

I should know that by now.

Show me how to cry out with a voice that will be heard.
Please, somebody,
so my blood doesn't have to cry out for me anymore.
Cause I'm done with tears in my dark and silent room. And if I don't have a voice, then all I have is the blood. And then the spiral begins and never ends.

So which is worse, this feeling or the blood?

You tell me.


Last edited by SoSimple : 15-10-2014 at 07:19 PM.


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Old 22-10-2014, 12:47 AM   #77
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The feelings are more than I can take. I leave them until they boil over, past the point of restraint. And when they come out, it is all at once and in a flood of tears that don't seem to make sense anymore. I've long forgotten what I'm crying about at this point. My mind searches for little things to blame it on, little things that seem like mountains when you're in the midst of a flood. And I'm exhausted.

All. The. Time.



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Old 29-12-2014, 05:07 AM   #78
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It has been one year and 2 months since the last time my skin has felt a sting. I suppose I should be feeling some sort of resolve and pride from that statement. But I think healing from this is very unlike healing from a surgery or a broken bone. This doesn't grow back together and fix itself, with the problem disappearing like it never existed. Some days it claws it's way to the surface like you buried it just yesterday. And some days it conjures up enough gull to bite you back.

Today I was driving home after the longest and most exhausting few weeks, and sitting in my car I had a terribly disturbing vision. I saw myself so clearly and impulsively doing what I've been fighting for so long. It was like a movie right before me, and afterward I felt so deeply bothered and startled by it. When I went home I stayed away, but it made me wonder how much more my mind can take before my body just gives in again.

I thought about running to someone and asking for help, but who? I pictured once again the scenario that's been driving this addiction further and further into my being: me sitting and talking to someone who genuinely cares and knows how to have this conversation. And once again, the reality was that I was driving home.

Alone.

I bought some the other day. I know I should throw them away and that having them only makes the urges stronger and the opportunity for access even greater. But damnit, I have them and they're closer than anyone else is to me right now.

I'm playing with fire. And I know no one will be there to put it out if I start it.

But I'll hold onto the matches anyway, just in case...


Last edited by SoSimple : 29-12-2014 at 05:15 AM.


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Old 30-12-2014, 04:04 AM   #79
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"Are you still eating?!"

"Yeah, why? Is that a problem?"

"I'm just saying, you should probably not still be eating those. You don't need any more of them."

I know I've gained weight. Thanks for bringing it up at a Christmas party in front of everyone. What you don't know, however, is why I've gained and what my life was like when I was losing. Or better yet, how much of my life I lost.

I never had an eating disorder as described by the DSM or anything. I started running because I had heard that it was a good coping skill for self-harming. When I first started I really didn't have any weight loss goals, I just wanted to feel better. And I really did. Every time I ran it was like I could sit down and feel a physical tiredness, which distracted me from my mental one. And a physical tired you can do something about. I love it and I did it almost every day.

I decided that I would feel even better if I was eating better and drinking more water. So I laid off of the sodas some and started making my meals. And running became a little easier, which made me feel somewhat victorious. Soon I could run distances without stopping that I wouldn't have been able to before even if I was being chased by a bear. People started referring to me as a runner and I liked that. Then people started noticing the weight coming off, and I really liked that. The comments made me feel like I was doing something that a lot of people felt they couldn't do. And that made me feel powerful, for the first time in a long time.

I think the problem came with the numbers. I started counting calories, eating less and less every day. And I weighed myself religiously. I had to know that number in the morning or my whole day felt useless. If it was up, even by a fraction of a pound, I was a failure. If it was down, I was the most powerful person in the world. There was no middle ground, and pretty soon every day became about the number and what I could and couldn't eat to change it and was I going to run for 30 or 60 minutes and if it was a rest day, how much less do I need to eat? I was miserable, but it was better than seeing that number go back up. Granted, before the weight loss I was uncomfortable with my body and the way it moved and how it fit in my clothing. But when I was losing, my body was never going to be good enough. I was always "fat," even at my lowest weight. Which wasn't even all that low.

When I moved back home, life got a whole lot more complicated. I wasn't buying my own food or cooking my own meals, and I was at the mercy of others' food choices. I decided that my mind had too much else to focus on, and slowly I was able to put down the constant preoccupation with my weight. But for me it is all or nothing, so I started eating whatever I wanted again and stopped running. I knew I was gaining weight, and I knew that number on the scale was going to be yelling at me every day. So I stopped weighing myself.

For the first time in so long, I stopped caring. I was bigger than I had been in a long time, and I didn't care. I knew eventually I would have to get back to being healthy, but I wasn't sure I could do that without it taking over again. I guess I wanted to be sure before I started on anything again, which is why I haven't yet. So that brings me to Christmas, eating potato chips in front of my brother.

My mistake.

I know he doesn't know, but it almost confirmed what I already knew. Society sucks, and in their eyes unless you're skinny and beautiful you are automatically less. And that's how I feel now. Honestly, I don't care if I ever eat again. I'll show him. Next year, he won't be able to make that comment to me. I don't know if I'll be able to balance it. But I guess now I really don't have much of a choice.

Back to losing. The weight, myself...it's all the same.


Last edited by SoSimple : 30-12-2014 at 04:10 AM.


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 03-01-2015, 12:29 AM   #80
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I feel like I could scream. Like I want to rip my skin open and just let everything inside of me free. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It hurts and it's not going to stop! I know it will only shut it up for a second, but for right now that's all I need. It's all I need!!! I haven't been this close to relapse before. Ugh, please get me out!!


Last edited by SoSimple : 03-01-2015 at 12:39 AM.


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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