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Old 02-11-2013, 09:54 PM   #21
TheLoneWolf
 
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Your stuff is really good and I can definitely relate to parts of it. Keep writing:)



I feel insane every single time
I'm asked to compromise
Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways
And that's the way it stays
So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?
By that look on your face I may have forced the scale to tip

I'm not insane, I'm not insane.

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Old 02-11-2013, 10:27 PM   #22
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Thank you TheLoneWolf! I really appreciate it and I'm so glad you like it! It always helps to hear that someone can relate.



Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 02-11-2013, 11:29 PM   #23
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It's back.

I hate this feeling. It's like I'm here physically but I check out during the day, and I keep coming to and thinking, "Oh yeah, I'm really here." It's scary losing myself like that. I keep going and talking and functioning, but I don't know how. It's not really me. But then again, what is?

The most frustrating part about it is that I can't control it. It comes by when it wants and I have no say in the matter. It's like everything is blurry but I know the roads so well that I can keep going, even without being able to see. I don't know why it's here but I wish it would go away.

I know what will take it away. It could be a quick thing and it wouldn't have to be a big deal. I could find a bit of energy to get through, even for a little while. I've come this far though, and I would really hate to start over. I keep holding off, telling myself I don't need it, that I'm not addicted and I can get through without it.

I wish I knew whether or not that was true.

I'm dizzy and tired and ready to give in. I feel like I don't do anything right anyway. I'm not ready to give this up, even though I'm supposed to be. I just need all of the white noise in my head to stop.


Besides, what's one more cut?


Last edited by SoSimple : 06-11-2013 at 01:08 PM. Reason: Editing


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 03-11-2013, 04:15 AM   #24
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Keep fighting SS, you are really strong but we'll all be here for you when you need someone.

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Old 03-11-2013, 08:18 AM   #25
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Wow this is really good



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 03-11-2013, 12:07 PM   #26
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Thank you guys! Your support means so much!



Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 03-11-2013, 06:51 PM   #27
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I gained a pound.

It might as well have been five.

I don't know why I can't be skinny. I know girls who are so small and can eat a whole pizza by themselves. I'm just not one of them. I feel like people look at me and think, "She could be really pretty if she would just lose the weight." It makes me feel sub par. I need to be perfect. Nobody has a reason not to love a perfect person.

I used to be like this when I was younger. I would exercise all the time and weigh myself more than once a day. And I was completely miserable. I managed to snap out of it somehow, and I realized that I either had to be perfect or not care at all, and I was I tired. So I stopped caring. I gained a lot of weight but even though I was overweight (technically, even) I was happy with the way I looked for the most part. At least it didn't tear me apart like it does now. I knew once I started losing again it would turn into this.

I know I am no longer big or overweight, but I think I will always feel like I am and see myself that way. I have to. If I become content then I will be content with gaining, and one pound turns into five and then ten and twenty and then all of my hard work goes to ****. I can almost guess my weight to the pound every time, just by the way my stomach looks. And this morning when my clothes were tight, I felt all of these alarms go off inside of me and I wanted to cry because of the way my jeans wrapped around my legs like a pair of spandex and dug into my sides. It's like it screams "failure" every time. I can't stand it.

To be honest, all I really want is to be happy with whatever way I am. I see women who aren't perfectly small but they are still beautiful and confident. They aren't any less or worse or less liked than anyone else. It's like they don't care, so no one else does either. I wish I had that. But I feel eyes on me all the time, waiting to judge and critique, refusing to acknowledge my existence until I am perfect.
I just don't want to be ordinary.

I just don't want to be forgotten.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me from slipping into an eating disorder is the fact that I am hypoglycemic. I get so close to that line; way too close. If I could go without food until I was skinny and beautiful, I would do it. But then who am I kidding, I won't even eat right as it is!

Failure.

There's only one other person in the world who knows this, so I am pretty nervous putting it somewhere concrete where it can be real. But here goes... I've made myself sick a couple of times, and it scared me so much. I know I don't want this. I know that. I don't want this. I don't...

It's like if I'm not fighting one thing I'm always fighting something else. I just want to be done fighting

I just want to be done.


Last edited by SoSimple : 06-11-2013 at 01:09 PM. Reason: Editing


Nobody said it was easy.
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Old 06-11-2013, 01:53 AM   #28
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I had a rare moment of clarity today.

I was playing guitar, trying to keep myself occupied, and I looked down at my arm and saw the remains of the hurt I did to myself. I don't know that I've ever really seen them before, actually looked at them for what they really were. I remembered the moments that caused them, the feelings leading up to it, all of the bells and warnings going off inside my head that needed silenced. And now that I'm not in that moment, it's hard to imagine creating another mark. I understand why people who don't have those moments don't understand.

I have a hard time justifying why I do this to myself. It seems like there should be more to a story that ends with this many scars. It's really hard to explain a feeling to someone that has never felt it before. Sometimes I think I should be braver and fight through it and not have to come back to this awful monster the way I do every time he lures me in again.

Sick b*****d.

But then I seem them. Not just cuts and scratches, not moment of weakness or failures, but pain. I have to be in a "justifiable" amount of pain for this. You can't have this without so much pain. It's like it all bubbles up to the top, right beneath your skin, and you just need to cut that feeling out of you, however deep it may be, and let it bleed out until you are empty of it. If I have marks, then I must have had pain. It must have been real.

Someone please tell me it was real.

The fear is that it's all in your head, that it won't be recognized by anyone else, that maybe it doesn't really exist and your explanations aren't enough. It's all a sick misconception. If you don't suffer as much as the next person, you don't matter and neither do your scars. They're fake, a fraud, a rouse or a sick cry for meaningless attention.

Really?!?!

Screw them! I don't care what they say, and I don't need their justifications. It was real. It still is. The pain belongs to me, the marks belong to me, and I belong to the monster.

But I can assure you, it is all too real.


Last edited by SoSimple : 06-11-2013 at 01:10 PM. Reason: Editing


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 06-11-2013, 02:59 AM   #29
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I was never a porcelain doll.

No one took great care in handling me. I am not seen as fragile or substantial. I don't have beauty enough to sit on a display shelf for the world to admire. There is nothing outstanding or extraordinary about me, nothing worthy of sitting on a shelf.

No, I am a rock. I blend in, neutral, expected to withstand any weather or elements. I am walked on, I support, I never tire and I cannot crumble. Oh no, I could never crumble. I am a foundation for others who possess talents, beauty, privileges that need to be raised up and gawked at by the world. I am here for them, and that is all.

That is all there is to me.

We all say we could never be the porcelain doll that walks so carelessly on the rocks without empathy. But if the opportunity were there, I think we all would. As much as we hate to admit it, we all would.

The truth is, and you can never tell a soul, I am not really a rock. I am glass dressed in grey, hoping to keep those I love from falling. I admire the rocks for their infallible strength. I cannot help but fight this thought, however; what if all the rocks are really just glass in disguise? Really just glass like me? It's dangerous trying to be strong like a rock when your insides are so easily shattered. But I will put myself back together again for them. I will be a rock.

Who knows, maybe one day it can be my turn to be fragile.


Last edited by SoSimple : 28-12-2013 at 03:47 AM. Reason: Edits


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 07-11-2013, 04:42 AM   #30
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I am a fraud.

I don't know why I thought I could have the freedom to hurt the way I want to like it won't matter to anyone else. I've helped so many teenagers, talked girls through their times of cutting, been their support and role model. I wanted to be, because I never got one. And you know, I was pretty freaking good at it. But it came at a cost. I need to break down, for me. But now I am this person to so many people and I can't.

I can be fake and keep the pain and my appearance of strength, or be real and mess it all up for someone else. 'Cause it's always about someone else. I just wanted to hurt, just for a minute. I never got the chance before. I just want to fall apart and then wake up the next day and have everyone see me as the same person. I know I am her, even with all of this pain. But they won't, and that's all that matters.

I should have just fallen apart.


Last edited by SoSimple : 07-11-2013 at 04:48 AM. Reason: Edits


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 07-11-2013, 09:33 PM   #31
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Still loving the new installments! Remember to take some time for yourself once in a while, it's not always bad to be a little selfish :)



I feel insane every single time
I'm asked to compromise
Cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways
And that's the way it stays
So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?
By that look on your face I may have forced the scale to tip

I'm not insane, I'm not insane.

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Old 08-11-2013, 03:21 AM   #32
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Thank you so much! It really helps to know that someone is reading my ramblings. And I will try to remember that, thank you!



Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 09-11-2013, 09:25 PM   #33
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It's burning under my skin.

Thoughts, regrets, fears, guilt...

Things I can't change. I just need to let them go, let them be free into the air and away from me.

Away until next time...



Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 10-11-2013, 02:14 AM   #34
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I feel like there are two different types of people in the world. So many people take care of themselves, make dreams because it's what they want, live quiet lives with spouses and kids and houses and bills, and they're happy.

Then there's me.

It's like I am carrying the load for all of those people. Like they need me to be someone with greater responsibilities and to be stronger then they are so that they can live their lives in peace. It doesn't make sense rationally, but I can't convince my mind that it's not real.

I'm crumbling. It's like I keep waiting for the opportune time, for a moment when I can be totally alone and out from under the loads of the world so that I can put myself back together. And it never comes. I was broken at a very young age, but I look fine.

I look fine.

This fight alone is exhausting me. But it's not one that I can hide from. When your mind is fighting your heart, there is no peace. It's like yelling at yourself all day every day, and it's made the thought of internal peace seem terrifying. How messed up.

I wish someone would just tell me what to do. What do I do? I've done everything on my own for so long because I can, but it doesn't mean it's best. It doesn't mean I didn't need you. I still need you. It's like I need permission to live a life out from under all of this.

Someone please give me permission. Someone please tell me something! I can't listen to myself argue anymore. How do I make this better?

Tell me what to do?


Last edited by SoSimple : 10-11-2013 at 02:36 AM. Reason: Edits


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 10-11-2013, 02:15 AM   #35
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Dear Darkness, dear friend: you never answer back. You're cold and frightening and you make me feel lonely. You never help or encourage, you simply turn me away from the rest of the world. I guess you and silence are too busy with each other to care about anyone or anything. I wish you had any words or sounds at all. You are hollow in a way that I understand.

I wish you were warm and inviting. I wish you cared whether or not I was here or safe or even alive. I wish you could wrap your arms around me and keep me safe. People run from you, and I suppose I should as well...

But you are always there; And as sad as it sounds...

I'll take it.


Last edited by SoSimple : 10-11-2013 at 02:20 AM. Reason: Edits


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 12-11-2013, 02:05 AM   #36
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I need to know something:

If I "move on," put it to rest in my own way, decide not to delve into it, will I be ok? Maybe trying to "work through it" isn't necessary. I do want to be happy, to move past it, I just didn't want it not to matter. It is a part of me, and having to hide it feels like I'm trying to hide myself. Ugh, I'm confused.

I don't want to go into it. The truth is that I'm scared and I want to back down. The last time I did I felt like I was being someone else by ignoring it, but now I feel like being someone else might not be such a bad thing. I just want to feel like I'm allowed to feel better. I don't want to be so afraid of happiness and stability and be able to have a **** life.

I need air and permission to breathe.

That's all.


Last edited by SoSimple : 12-11-2013 at 02:07 AM. Reason: Edits


Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 15-11-2013, 01:16 PM   #37
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Just caught up on the new installments, amazing



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 16-11-2013, 10:33 PM   #38
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Thank you crazykat! That means a lot to me!



Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.



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Old 18-11-2013, 03:19 AM   #39
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The light has hunted me down. It found a tiny crack and forced its way in. Or did I let it in?
Either way, however intrusive or welcomed, it is here.

I have always been so afraid of it. I was afraid it would blind me to my real self and cause me to be a fake fluffy nobody to the rest of the world just so they wouldn't have to see my darkness. I'm also afraid of it because it seems to come and go, like summer to winter and back again. But you know, at the moment, I really don't care about all of that. I would just like some light.

It could be a cop out, a trap, an easy sidetrail around the mess I've yet to deal with...I don't know. I'm too tired to overthink it. I left it to prove a point and guess what? That point is still hiding beneath my sleeves. It's a tired game and I'm losing.

There's a balance I've yet to find; I know that. I can't pretend if I let it stay. But at least I can let it hold onto the ropes for a little while longer. I need a reprieve, some fresh air, some distance from the pit I crawled back into. So I'm taking a break, putting it down, taking a chance and walking toward the light. I guess we shall see where it leads.

Besides, I always know where my hole is if I need it again.

The dark friend never hides.


Last edited by SoSimple : 18-11-2013 at 03:34 AM. Reason: Edits


Nobody said it was easy.
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Old 23-11-2013, 03:11 PM   #40
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I am so lost.

You work so hard trying to be something, trying to keep from being stuck. And where does it leave you? Stuck. Story of my freaking life.

I don't know why I can't just want a life. I'm supposed to want kids and a cute house in a small town where everyone knows me. Why do I have this longing for bigger and more? What if I chase it and regret it in the end? I am so tired, so lost.

Whatever.



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