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Unsettled.
I've had a difficult day. It's not been a bad day, but it has been tiring and I didn't sleep much last night because I was worrying about it.
I had an appointment with the psychiatrist this morning. It was a follow up appointment after an emergency appointment that I had a couple of months ago. I can't really remember much of the emergency appointment. I asked my care coordinator about it and she said that it was clear I was in crisis etc, so I felt embarrassed and really didn't want to face him.
The appointment went OK. It was fairly positive. I have to get a blood test though because I'm lactating quite badly so we think that my prolactin levels are probably high because of the amisulpride I started when I had the previous appointment. I am really worried that my prolactin levels will be too high and that I'll have to change medications. I really, really don't want to. I can actually get up in the morning and I've been able to stop taking the procyclidine that I had to take when I was on Clopixol. I know they can add a small dose of aripiprazole to help lower prolactin, but I had such a bad reaction the that in the past.
I also saw two of my previous care coordinators in the waiting room, as the psychiatrist was running a bit late and we were early so we were in there for a while. They both took time to talk to me, which was really nice, but it was hard seeing them.
They both said that I look really well and one of them shook my hand and said that I was really lovely to see me like I am. They both asked if I was still working. When I wold them I'd been in my current job for a few years, they both seemed surprised and said that was great etc. It just made me feel weird. Them saying it's lovely to see me looking so well made me think of what a wreck I've been like in the past. Them seeming surprised about work has made me feel like I appear like I'm not capable, you know?
One of the people I saw was my care coordinator from Early Intervention going back a good few years and he has seen me in some awful states and had me sectioned more than once. It just brings back awful memories and makes me feel ashamed and sick and horrible. I know they were well meaning, and in some ways it was great to see them and have a quick catch up and be able to tell them that things are going well, but it's left me feeling really unsettled and uncomfortable.
I have taken my medication and I'm sat in my bed with my electric blanket on. I have made myself a cup of cocoa and I'm watching the Big Bang Theory on Netflix. I know I'm partly feeling like this because I'm tired, so I'm hoping for an early night. I'm sorry to post. I'm not really sure what I'm expecting. Acknowledgement that it's been a difficult day, I guess. A hug? I'm going to try and not delete this one. I know I'm a nightmare for that.
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