Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 28-05-2019, 10:38 AM   #1
Margo
 
Margo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
I am currently:
The trouble with meaning well *suicide*

Iíve been good the past 3 years. Happy for the first time in many. Thereís a lot going on now. New job, getting married, huge living decision to be made also.

I havenít been right since December. I know Iíve been low level depressed since then. However itís the kind of depressed that you just get on with and accept because, after all, Iíve felt much Much worse.

Last few weeks have been bad. Really bad. No sh thoughts but strong suicidal thoughts. Stronger than most Iíve felt.
Only reason itís stop is my partner and the dog. I just canít do that to them.

She called the doc and made an appointment. I went and now Iím being referred to the mht again.

Iíve been free of mh services for just over 3 years now promising Iíd never return.

Friend said today to just focus on all the positive in my life. Friends who donít understand do that donít they. Just look on the bright side. Youíve GOT TO focus on the good stuff. You know itís just x or y.

Somehow itís the things like that that hurt most. They hurt because they make you feel like youíre a failure for not seeing the light. For not seeing itís just an email or just a conversation to have. Thereís nothing to be frightened of and so on.

Docs again in 20 mins. So low. So full of anxiety and weird paranoid thoughts.

No where else to say this.

Failing hard. Yet again



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



Margo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28-05-2019, 09:00 PM   #2
Zurg
Evil Emperor
 
Zurg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The TARDIS
I am currently:

Matt, it's not failure when things happen that are beyond your control.

Maybe it's the pressure of all the great things that are happening. Maybe it's not. Finding out exactly why it happens isn't always helpful or the key to the solution though.

You need to talk about this. Not just the general feelings but all the really bad amd nasty and ugly stuff too. Sometimes talking about it can help lessen the grip it has on you. I for one, am glad you are getting referred to services again. They helped you before and maybe they can help you again. I hope so!!!!

You are trying. That is the most important thing.

Zurg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-06-2019, 05:14 PM   #3
Eir
ignoring the cacophony
 
Eir's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Australia
I am currently:

*belated hugs*
I hope things have improved.
The system sucks pretty much the word over. I hope you landed a case worker who cares at least.
Take care
Annie



...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull

No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer

Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~

Eir is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2019, 01:22 AM   #4
Margo
 
Margo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
I am currently:

Kat and Annie

Thank you. I went to the mht with the knowledge I was not going back into the system again. CPN was nice. He understood. He was shocked and amazed I’d been so ill for so long. Said if not had the right treatment and intimated the treatment I’d had was helping prolong and enable the depression.
We both agreed I didn’t need to be put back into the system.

Ups and downs again. Never fully up and never fully down. Still I end up In my safe dark place over and over again. Still I daydream of it all blacking out and the torture ending.

The doc was lovely at the follow up. I tried hard to explain that what many would find disturbing I just find normal now. Like living with chronic pain or something, you just get used to normal pain. I think she understood.

The follow up letter from the mht spoke of how insightful I was. Said positive things about me. That was ok.

I’m at the stage now where I’ll just keep quiet. I guess I have to make do. Im not normal but I’m ok. I very rarely feel truly happy. It is seldom I am ever excited.

I’d love to feel like I’m worth something.



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



Margo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2019, 09:16 PM   #5
Margo
 
Margo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
I am currently:

Wow. Bang. Just like that. The thoughts. They aren’t scary. They make all the sense. I whispered them to the dog. Then laughed. Right now it’s all I want.



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



Margo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-2019, 05:12 PM   #6
Slip
Manic-Peaceful-Chaos
 
Slip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
I am currently:

I think you’re worth the world my wonderful penguin x



I know its a wonderful world.


Slip is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-2019, 05:57 PM   #7
Margo
 
Margo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
I am currently:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Slip View Post
I think youíre worth the world my wonderful penguin x



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



Margo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-2019, 08:45 PM   #8
Zurg
Evil Emperor
 
Zurg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The TARDIS
I am currently:

Matt, i can't say whether it will get better. I can't promise you that you will one day leave all the pain and hurt behind and never return to it. But the hope is there as long as you keep trying. As long as you keep going. Maybe it seems pointless but i hope you can find the strength inside to keep trying to make life better and more bearable for yourself. The way i see it, some people struggle through their entire lifetime but it's not the struggles and their hardship that define them but more their courage and strength because they kept trying. There is hope in just getting up to face another day.

Maybe you need something that is radically different that what the ordinary system of mental health can offer. Maybe you need to think about what makes life menaningful for you, what is important to you. It's so easy to think and feel we're not worth anything and then of course, our lives lose purpose and direction. But being lost doesn't make you a lost cause.

Zurg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-08-2019, 08:45 PM   #9
Margo
 
Margo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
I am currently:

Thank you Kat.

Saw the doc today for another checkup. Said I feel flat and at a constant low level but I also said I’m so used to it there is no point in worrying.

I just feel more lost every day these days. I’m not sure why I’m even here. I literally get no enjoyment from anything at the moment. I just plod on and on.

I know I need to change. I just wish I could remove these shackles that make everything seem such an effort right now



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



Margo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15-08-2019, 11:43 AM   #10
Frieda
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
I am currently:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zurg View Post
Matt, i can't say whether it will get better. I can't promise you that you will one day leave all the pain and hurt behind and never return to it. But the hope is there as long as you keep trying. As long as you keep going. Maybe it seems pointless but i hope you can find the strength inside to keep trying to make life better and more bearable for yourself. The way i see it, some people struggle through their entire lifetime but it's not the struggles and their hardship that define them but more their courage and strength because they kept trying. There is hope in just getting up to face another day.

Maybe you need something that is radically different that what the ordinary system of mental health can offer. Maybe you need to think about what makes life menaningful for you, what is important to you. It's so easy to think and feel we're not worth anything and then of course, our lives lose purpose and direction. But being lost doesn't make you a lost cause.
These are truly beautiful words.

I've been reading through this thread and wondering how you are now, Margo?

Frieda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 08:12 PM   #11
Mandimoo
Mummy!!
 
Mandimoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Newport, South Wales
I am currently:

Hey Matt, you are worth worrying about. Lots of stuff going on for you, be kind to yourself xxx



Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER

Mand x

Mandimoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is ON
Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:48 AM.

Back to top