I have had many issues in the past with various addictive behaviours, but I have quit many of them...but I only replaced one with another, first I was a self-harmer, then an alcoholic, then a smoker and for the last two years I have dealt with disordered eating. but its difficult to explain, I went to my doctor about it once but he didn't understand.
It sounds ignorant but i have been soothing myself for a long time, telling myself that my eating habits aren't healthy but are the "least lethal" of all the addictions i have had.
Over these past two years i have tried to change my eating habits several times but i have failed.
I have been in utter denial about how bad it really is. It's embarrassing but sometimes i go through periods where i dont clean the house for days on end. I used to think i was lazy and beat myself up over it but now that i examined my eating habits i dont think ive been getting enough nutrition to give me the energy to do that. But i dont feel like the "typical" person to have this kind of problem. to tell you the truth i dont know what my problem is exactly.
I dont want to be skinny for the sake of being skinny and i never have done. I don't want to look like those photos of very gaunt looking women you see online.
My issue started with my gender dysphoria. Essentially, i thought that if i didnt have much fat i wouldnt have fat in any of the places i didnt want it. i just started testosterone last week. and i know that it will help me massively. I know that ill begin to see changes in my body that i want and hopefully then i can start eating healthily and lose weight in a healthy way.
I just want to clarify that i am very overweight and i dont want to just lose weight for the sake of it. But my relationship with my weight isnt healthy either.
When i quit alcohol and started eating lots of food i gained a lot of weight very quickly. But since that time my weight has fluctuated by several pounds depending on what my eating habits are.
I certainly can binge and i have binged many times before, but thats not really what i do on a daily basis.
I tend to restrict for long periods of time and then when my mind and body can no longer take it, i will end up eating unhealthy foods that i know will raise my blood sugar quickly but arent exactly satisfying. i tend to eat a lot of dairy as well, which would normally be fine but im lactose intolerant, and whilst im usually ok with cheeses (for some weird reason) other things like milk and chocolate and ice cream make me very ill and leave me in a lot of pain.
But for some reason i keep doing it to myself.
I feel very alone as ive never heard of someone like me, someone who has this issue of not eating, but then eating like crap/ aggravating a food allergy.
i dont purge and i dont binge usually. i dont know much about it but ive read up a little bit and the way binging is described doesnt describe me most of the time.
now i want to finally put an end to this addictive cycle, i think the fact im now on hormones will help, but i know theres work that i need to do. so i thought id reach out,
My plan for this week (and onwards) is just to try and make sure that i eat regularly. i dont want to pay much heed to being super healthy, i can worry about that some other time, but i just want to make sure im eating regularly, everyday. and build up from there.
I believe it would fall under EDNOS (Eating Disorder not otherwise specified), you would need to talk with a specialist to know for sure, what you described sounds sorta like anorexia binge/purge subtype, but again, you would have to talk to your medical team and show them your diet and whatnot for them to make a diagnosis. There are several different types of eating disorders in addition to the most "common" ones (Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge) which is why they cam up with EDNOS as an umbrella term so more people could get help. If your eating patterns are a true eating disorder (and sounds like it is since you have a history of other addictive behaviors) then I don't believe any hormone changes will make much of a difference. My ED team has repeatedly told me it's not actually about your weight/size/appearance, that is usually just what the ED tells you to distract from the real problem. The brain of a person with an ED is wired differently than the "normal" brain, so it has to be retrained to think differently. No matter what your body looks like until the brain is retrained, you will never be satisfied with how you look. I do think you are making a huge step by acknowledging that you have a problem and are making an effort to do better, but I would strongly encourage you to try and talk to your doctor again, if he/she still doesn't understand, tell them you want a referral to a specialist. It's VERY hard to do this on your own.
I have anorexia binge/purge subtype and my "binges" do not fit what most people consider a binge either, but it IS a binge for me AND I don't tolerate gluten well, but when I'm binging I tend to eat lots of gluten which makes me very sick. And every time I say "I am NEVER eating gluten again!" very next binge I'm looking for gluten. So you aren't the only one eating stuff that makes you sick, I'm sure there are lots more out there that do it, too... doesn't mean it's healthy, but it helps to know you aren't the only one with a problem.
I'm going to quote my doctor "A lot of times with eating disorders, you're fine, and then one day you're not anymore because your body is worn out, once the warning signs start, it's a major issue and things go downhill very quickly". Please don't put it off, it's not worth the risk.....
In response to the reply above, EDNOS isn't a diagnosis anymore, the new term used would be OSFED. Nor can we diagnose you, so unsure that's super relevant.
That said, I've been on T for almost a year now, and out of ED specific treatment for that long as well. Starting T helped a LOT and gave me a lot of motivation to try to work on eating, because if you aren't eating properly, your body won't absorb T correctly.
There's definitely a link between gender dysphoria and eating disorders (multiple professionals told me it was a thing, and I've met other trans people in treatment too), and you are absolutely not the first person I've heard of who eats certain things to trigger intolerances/blood sugar changes, etc.
Does your medical provider for T know about your eating habits and that things are a bit wonky? Please make sure they do, so they know to check up on it and see if there is any other support they can offer.
Also keep in mind, there are some of the bigger body changes on T that WILL take time, while other things happen more quickly. But I will say that immediately for me, the dysphoria decreased significantly right away, which made eating SO much easier to deal with. I know everyone is different, but I hope you can use this as motivation, and I hope you find it helpful. Eating more regularly sounds like a really great starting point and goal. Best of luck!
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.