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Old 10-07-2018, 08:39 PM   #1
God loves me for who i am
little_miss's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Peterborough
I am currently:
*very triggering* bad relationship with food

so i am coming back to RYL after a 5 year break.
my main issues are suicide attempts and eating issues.
So I am classed as "clinically obese", and really need to lose weight. But have never really had a good relationship with food. my mum and brother both had eating disorders when i was 13/14 (I am now 29). I used to purge a lot after eating, and bin my packed lunches at school. and tonight i have been looking at 'thinsperation' websites. i feel like i want to be underweight rather than overweight. i feel literally disgusted with the way i look. i am so fat, and hate myself. i have added an app on my phone to monitor my food intake and exercise, and calories burned. i know this could get so out of hand. in a way i want it to. how sick does that sound! i want to weigh half the amount i weigh the most. i want to see bones, and no fatty flesh. i want to be so thin that i pass out a lot, due to lack of food. i am sorry if this is very triggering, i am not sure how honest I can be/if the RYL rules have changed, so please delete any comment that needs deleting.
i need support please, any hugs would be greatly appreciated.

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Old 15-07-2018, 08:47 PM   #2
I always have a choice
Pi.R^2's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: sitting this one out in the safety cupboard
I am currently:

Welcome back :)

It really does sound like you're in a bad headspace food-wise and going about weight loss in this manner is never going to end in happiness I'm afraid. What was your experience of living with family members who had eating disorders? I'm wondering if some of the negatives you saw might be helpful in getting you to refocus a little and have healthier goals. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to think about what the feelings are behind wanting to be underweight and to pass out from lack of food; why are these appealing to you? Yes it's not healthy to be thinking in this way, but you don't need to judge yourself because of it; it's not your fault that you're in a really disordered mindset about food and your body.

Do you have any professional help at the moment? It sounds like you could really do with some input at the moment.

The ED rules actually changed ten years ago, so you may well have read them before, but here they are, just in case.

We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.

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Old 17-07-2018, 07:31 AM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Australia
I am currently:

This is how my ED developed...I even felt that "i know this could get so out of hand. in a way i want it to" feeling, and it did exactly that. It spiralled out of control and I wish I could have stopped it somehow.

Your feelings are valid and understandably concerning. I'd really think telling a doctor about these thoughts would be a great idea. Losing weight should never happen at the expense of mental or physical wellbeing.

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Old 19-07-2018, 04:45 PM   #4
Voldemort's Bitch
Bellatrix's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London

When I used to think about wanting stuff like that, it made me angry and guilty at first. But I picked out the underlying feelings. I wanted to be cared for, I wanted people to worry about me so I would know they cared, I wanted something in my life that I could decide how it ended up.

That helped me to find other ways of feeling those things. Healthier ways.

What are your underlying feelings do you think?

Imperfection is underrated.

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