I don't know where to start. I thought I knew exactly how to explain it all, but now I can't put it into words. I've become dependent on someone who doesn't seem to care about me anymore and I'm struggling with abuse anniversaries too.
Sorry I don't have the words to expain anymore right now.
How are things today? Do you feel more able to explain what's going on for you? If not, that's ok, you can borrow my dog for a cuddle xx
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I'm not sure. I feel like I'm blocking it all out - I can't think about any of it properly. I feel like I'm in a weird bubble where everything's confusing. I want to talk to my friend but I'm almost certain that he hates me and I can't handle it. I'm scared I'll never see him again.
He isn't messaging me as much as he used to, and his replies are all just "Lol ok" and things like that a lot of the time. I always think he hates me, but that was with less reasons. This time I have evidence - for example he doesn't send me hearts or tell me he loves me any more and he isn't communicating with me enough.
I'm sure no one hates you, I certainly don't, and I'm always a pm away. I'm not sure what to say but I know how hard it can be to put things into words, I'm having the same problem which has led me to say nothing to my psych. Could you maybe try write it down, even to have as reference for putting into words, make a list even, I know that can be upsetting in itself, to see it all written down, but maybe it could be a kind of starting place for finding the words? And could you talk to your friend about how you feel maybe?
I had a good day yesterday and most of today. I met up with my friend and it was all like usual and we agreed that our Facebook messages are boring and we should Skype call instead. It was all like normal and he told me he loved me a lot. We went out and had fun and I had an intrusive thought to kill myself but he helped me through it. I opened up to him and told him how bad things have gotten and he was worried, which made me feel guilty.
I stayed at his last night and i was meant to leave his at around 4:50 this afternoon but we were having sex and got carried away and I ended up missing the last bus. I had to call my abusive mother to come collect me and now both she and my brother are furious and won't stop yelling. On top of this, I managed to lose my bus pass thing while I was out last night and have had to borrow money off of my friend to get to college tomorrow because it's too expensive and I'm not sure if my college will replace it, which means I won't be able to get there.
Now I really want to hurt myself/get drunk, but I have a lot of college work due in tomorrow and I really need to do that, but I can't focus.
Please don't hurt yourself or get too drunk (I know it's easy for me to say but not as easy to do, or not do rather) I hope you can get your travel pass replaced, I lost mine once and was able to get it replaced, but I don't know if mine was the same thing as yours, but hope you get it sorted.
I knew he still loved you, I think skype would be even better and more fun than fb messages! I'm glad he was able to help you though that bad thought, I don't know if this will help, but try to keep in mind that as strong and as tempting as those kind of thoughts can be, you don't have to act on them, you are stronger than you think, and the thoughts will eventually pass. I know it doesn't feel that way in the midst of it, and again it's easy for me to say, but I promise you, it's taken me so long to realise it myself. You're not alone either, ok?
Ps. I'm also so glad that you've been able to write a little more of what's going on. I know that's not easy to do but you've made start. I'm proud of you xx
Last edited by nowhereman : 16-11-2015 at 02:20 PM.
Reason: to add a ps.
I managed to get my bus pass replaced, but only thanks to my best friend and one of my friends from college who lent me the money. Technically, they gave me the money, but I hate owing people things. Especially my best friend, because our relationship's sexual and part of me still feels like I owe people sex, so I definitely need to pay him back. I could buy him something nice, like a record or pay for all our drinks next time we go out, but I have no money. And I feel like shit and I want to go out and spend money, even though I have none.
I'm too impulsive and I can't ignore the thoughts. I try to avoid places that could give me those thoughts but it's absolutely impossible if I want to leave my bedroom.
I don't really know how I'm feeling tonight, to be honest. I pulled an all-nighter last night to get my college work done and then ended up self-harming on the way to college. When I got there, my friends tried to pressure me into going home but I stayed because I missed yesterday. I don't really remember anything right now, so I can't explain any more than that.
Well done for getting to college and talking to your friends. It still sounds like things are all over the place though. Can you do something to ground yourself this evening? It sounds like you might also need to catch up on sleep, being sleep deprived makes things feel even worse.