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Old 11-01-2008, 10:24 AM   #1
Feel_Good_inc.
I am a leaf on the wind; watch how I soar
 
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Somewhere, but I'm not really sure
I am currently:
Triggering (SI) - feeling numb, too close to cutting for comfort.

I can laugh, but not feel happy inside. I can smile but feel like i want to cry. i feel like i want to scream, but it gets caught in my throat. does that make sense to anyione? it barely makes sense to me.

One 28th of December 07 i was 1 month free. during the whole of 2007 i was never more than a month free. on 28 of Jan i will be 2 months free. but i feel my need rising and resistance falling. I'm feeling cold and numb now all of the time. i want to cut, to feel alive, to feel something even if it's that.
Last night was the closest i'd come since i last cut. I had the knife it was pressed against my skin really hard, the slightest move would have cut. i had one half of me wanting to make the cut and the other fighting it's hardest to stop me. i wanted to weep, to scream and shout, to do something. but instead i just sat there in a pathetic silence.
I turned the blade on it's side and slapped by arm agan and again. just hitting myself with the flat of the knife. it turned red and i kept hitting because i was feeling again.
My arm has a fair sized bruise on it now, not that won't take too long to heal. thats got to be more healthy that cutting? bruises don't take as long to heal and only hurt at the time of injury. I'm the kind of person that wakes up with bruises and no idea where they came from. maybe this doesn't even qualify as self harm?
The thing is i fear how close i came and how far i may go if and when it happens again.



Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife"
06.November.2011



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Old 11-01-2008, 02:16 PM   #2
Tig
 
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Join Date: Jan 2007

Hey,

Well done on being a month free, no matter what happens from now you have still achieved that and it's a step in the right direction.
I could relate to what you said first in your post, about being able to smile but really wanting to cry and so on. I'm sure many people have experienced it, please don't feel alone.
I guess what struck me, was that I would often become numb and also want to cut so I could "feel" something but really, it isn't a positive thing to feel and it isn't going to help. In time, when you aren't cutting anymore you will begin to feel new, much more wonderful things. Maybe you haven't had that experience yet but you're still fragile and still learning things, it will get there and for me certainly, it was better than the feeling of cutting.
It must be scary knowing how close you came to self harming but a massive well done to you because you didn't cut. You had the blade, you had the oppurtunity but you made the decision not to harm yourself and that is a huge step to take and a very determined decision. You can keep doing it, again & again. You have control now, not the self harm. This is your life, not a life revolving around self harm.
Would you feel able to discard of any thing you can hurt yourself with? It can be a huge step and just means you have extra time to think if you want to hurt yourself because you won't have anything to hurt yourself with. Some people don't find it possible to discard of their tools and that's perfectly understandable but it is an option which you might want to consider.

I think you need some serious TLC, to reward yourself and treat yourself a little. Do something lovely for yourself, like having a hot bath with lots of bubbles or taking a walk out in the morning on a nice day when it's crisp and gorgeous. Go to the cinema or go out with friends. Even just reading a book or magazine you enjoy, just something for you.

Take Care,

Lotti x

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Old 11-01-2008, 07:08 PM   #3
Feel_Good_inc.
I am a leaf on the wind; watch how I soar
 
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Somewhere, but I'm not really sure
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Thanks lottie. really needed to hear the kind words. made me feel a lot better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinkerbelle View Post
Would you feel able to discard of any thing you can hurt yourself with? It can be a huge step and just means you have extra time to think if you want to hurt yourself because you won't have anything to hurt yourself with. Some people don't find it possible to discard of their tools and that's perfectly understandable but it is an option which you might want to consider.
I do carry my knife with me a lot recently. but i've tried denying myself of it in the past and it hasn't worked. i've either bitten or scratched my arm with my nails until it bled and in one case i was at work and used a large kitchen knife. keeping the knife away doesn't stop me from harming, just forces me to seek more desperate and dangerous ways to bleed.
probably best i keep this knife with me. if i don't harm than thats great, if i have to, then at least i have something a lot safer than my teeth or a butcher knife.



Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife"
06.November.2011



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Old 12-01-2008, 09:34 PM   #4
_plastic
 
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Join Date: Jun 2007

I don't think i have anything more to add for what Lotti said ,

I just wanna let you know that i read your post and that i'm here to PM when you need support .

Take care of yourself hun x



A little angel fell into my arms at the 7th of december 2010
xx Angel my babysisterxx


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