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Old 10-01-2008, 05:04 PM   #1
Ames82
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Boston, MA
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I need some help...

I'm lost right now, a total blur of confusion...

I'm hoping someone/anyone can offer advice, words of wisdom or well anything...

I've been with s/o for about 4 yrs and it's only been the last 2 that I knew he S/I'd. It's been a rocky road for us I have to admit but I love this person more than I thought I could ever love another human being.

I've joined sites like this and tried to talk to other who S/I in hopes of better understanding what my s/o goes thorugh and how I can help. I knew doing nothing wasn't going to help either of us.

He is now at a point where he just feels hopeless. He feels as though he's been so messed up for so long he's too far gone. He's been on a few different medications, most recently Lithium and none seem to help.

He's in cognitive therapy but thus far that as well hasn't seemed to do much. He is given "homework" but as far as I know he doesn't choose to do so.

He has been dealing with this since his college days and as the years pass I know he only feels that much worse.

Recently he said he's convinced himself even if he was gone people would get over it and forget about him like everyone else has...

I reminded him that it could never be the case, I mean I have loved him unconditionally for the past 4 yrs.

I guess I'm here hooping someone can offer some type of advice or suggestions. Any opinions?

Have you ever felt like he has? Have you suffered into your late 20's too?

What do you tell someone who seems to be losing hope when your s/o believes in you so much?

I feel like I'm losing him.

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Old 10-01-2008, 06:36 PM   #2
rozzy
 
Join Date: Jan 2008

I'm early twenties and i still cut. Worst feeling is you feel like you should be over it but you just arnt and you can't figure out why.

Don't give up on him you don't know it but your the biggest support to him, just don't give up keeping a positive light even the smallest things.

He may need a reality check like I did... I was given so many options to get better .. I realized when I had lost something that would have been wounderful that I had to take them. Alot of finding our hope is finding it once again in our selves.

I have a beleif that a real lover, or real friend will take that step in the darkest of times for their lover or friend and tell them the cold honest truth and let them know how it's affecting you because how much they mean to you. And... For me that's what got me going in the right direction.

It's hard being in his shoes, but it's harder to be helpless. But you are not helpless. :) Keep trying and keep looking for good things.

I'm not very good at advice, but I hope you can use some of this :)

I also.. recommend trying methods to get off pills.. theres some oils ive been takening for the past 2 years and helped me get off the perscription I was on for 3 years. They've seemed to helped..

Keep your chin up

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Old 11-01-2008, 12:00 PM   #3
Cazki
14/6/2007 -
 
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Im really sorry to hear how difficult things are for you. We all care about you so much and will always do our very best to support you for as long as you need it. Please please dont blame yourself for the way that your feeling none of this is your fault at all. I know that concentrating on both things at once is difficult but he needs you to be strong for him.

I cant beging to imagine how difficult things are for you and for the pain that your going through. I know that what your going through is incredibly difficult but you can get through this please please dont give up you can get through this. You have dont the right thing by posting and im very proud of you for doing so. Please dont give up on him he needs all the support he can get you need to try and be strong for him.

Please take care best wishes Ian xxxxxxxxxx



14/06/2007 -

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Old 11-01-2008, 03:01 PM   #4
Ames82
 
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Thank you so much for your support and advice.

It's good to hear it from someone since there is not something I have chose to share with anyone.

I guess it's been hard as of late since I am looking at moving apts and the thought of he and I living together came up. (both being mid to late 20's) I figured dating for 4 yrs sort of gave us a reason to do this.

On approaching him I guess I didn't get the response I had hoped for. It was more of him explaing how caught up he is in his issues that's it's hard to commit to something as small as lunch next week vs something like this.

I know in the grand scheme of things, with what he goes through, I shouldn't of been shocked but to say I wasn't hurt, I would be lieing.

I guess it just really hit home for me how bad things are for him, although I knew it wasn't "easy" per say.

I'm scared that he's given up so much on himself that it pretty much dooms our relationship to move forward. I love him more than anything and just realizing how both he and us seem to be at a point of no return both saddens and hurts me.

I don't want him to give up on himself or on us, but mostof all himself.

It's just hard to feel okay with someone who says they have a hard time thinking about "our" future. Although I get why he feels that way, he can't even see his OWN future. But even in knowing that it doesn't reassure me or make the sting any less painful for me.

I want to help him and in the end that will help us. But when someone tells you it's hard to see a future (for good reason) it's hard to shake that feeling off.

I'm not realy sure if I'm making sense to anyone, I hope I am.

I guess it's hard to give even more of yourself, at least in my case, when you have no idea what the future holds.

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Old 11-01-2008, 03:35 PM   #5
Sian
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I'm in my late twenties and I still self harm. It is an awful feeling and both of you must be suffering so much. I often think about just giving up but I don't because even when I am at my worst my boyfriend still believes in me, still encourages me to keep trying. It sounds like that is what you are doing for your s/o and even when he isn't able to tell you so I bet it really helps him., just like my fella really helps me.

My best advice on how to help him is just to keep doing what you are doing. Keep listening, keep supporting, keep the lines of communication open. It must be terrible to hear him when he tells you he thinks no one will miss him if he goes, but if you are able to stay with him even when he says things like that, well that will just show him that the's wrong, that he will me missed.

Now here's some advice on how to look after you, because this must be taking it's toll on you. If your s/o sees you struggling, that's only going to make him feel worse, which will make you feel worse and so on. Do not be afraid to ask for love and support yourself, you need it to. Make sure you have some time to yourself to de-stress, clear your head and regain a little strength. Find someone that you can open up to and talk about your fears, concerns and feelings with too.

Sian
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'I can always kill myself tomorrow, today I shall look for reason to live. Of course, tomorrow never comes ... '

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Old 11-01-2008, 03:39 PM   #6
Sian
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Just seen your reply above.

It must be really hard to commit when the person you want to commit to doesn't see any future. I completely get what you mean about finding it hard to give more of yourself, especially when it must already feel like you've given everything.

In the end all you can do is try your best, no one can do any more than that. It really is important to look after yourself too though.

Sian
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'I can always kill myself tomorrow, today I shall look for reason to live. Of course, tomorrow never comes ... '

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Old 11-01-2008, 04:14 PM   #7
Ames82
 
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Sian, thank you so much for that.

Reading it I really felt like you knew what I'm going through.

I love him more than anything and he's probably THE most important thing to me. It was just hard when he said what he did about us living together and so forth.

I mean I get he has a hard time seeing HIS future so one with US must be that much harder even if he does love me. But I can't say it didn't hurt hearing. As much as I try to remind myself how badly he hurts everyday and I fathom where what he said was coming from, I still can't forget it stings a little.

Your part about me struggling, hurting him and then making me feel bad pretty much it the nail on the head. Often times that happens and like you said in the end he's just more unhappy and feeling sad and then I am too. It's really a lose lose situation.

I wish I had someone to talk to, I do. I feel like if I did it would betray him since no one, not even his family and friends realize this about him. They know he's depressed but that's about it. They have no idea about his S/I.

I also fear I would have friends/family give me their advice that would be "move on..." and things of that nature because they don't understand or will try to what he is going through. They'll just see it as some close minded people do, and I think that will only make me feel worse.


I guess I just need to find something for myself to try and balance things out, because right now I feel like I'm alone in a lot of this.

I would give anything to help him, I would but at times I won't lie, I feel very alone.

Thank you again for your reply, it meant a lot to me-it feels good to know someone knows what I'm truly going through.

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Old 11-01-2008, 06:17 PM   #8
Sian
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It's clear that you really, truly love him. It's not an easy situation to be in and I do think you'd benefit a lot from having someone to talk to. Do you think that this could be a place for you to talk where it wouldn't feel like you are betraying him? You don't have to be alone. Feel free to PM me if you need to.

Sian
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'I can always kill myself tomorrow, today I shall look for reason to live. Of course, tomorrow never comes ... '

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Old 11-01-2008, 08:54 PM   #9
Ames82
 
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Sian thank you again, I might take you up on that.

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