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Old 17-07-2019, 03:01 PM   #1441
one_step_closer
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Thanks.

Yeah my CPN knows my difficulties with phone calls.

The CMHT phoned me today (I answered) and told me there is a bed available for me in hospital tomorrow. Well they said today and then phoned back and said oops it's tomorrow. My CPN has had to go off sick and the CPN I spoke to said she thinks it would be beneficial for me to accept the bed. I've only just told my brother I'm not being admitted. I don't know how to decide what to do, I said ok I'll give it a go and come home early if it's not needed, but then they phoned back and said it's not available until tomorrow so they will phone me in the morning and see what I think. I was unprepared for that call and I still feel unprepared even to make a decision overnight. It's all absolutely hopeless really. I wish someone would just kill me. Life is too much of a fight.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-07-2019, 03:08 PM   #1442
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If things are not working as they currently are, wouldn't it be worth a try?

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Old 17-07-2019, 03:15 PM   #1443
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I said I'd give it a try. It's just that I've been saying to everyone I don't need hospital any more and it feels wrong to go back on that. My psychiatrist still hasn't sorted out a new med for me so maybe that could be done in hospital. I'm worried about all the people who are still on the waiting list. The CPN told me not to worry about that, that I have been prioritised, but I can't help but worry. I especially don't want to make things difficult for my brother because he thinks I'm alright and then if I end up in hospital he'll wonder what happened. I can't stand to breathe through any more of this, at home or in hospital.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-07-2019, 04:39 PM   #1444
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I think hospital is worth a try.

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Old 17-07-2019, 05:40 PM   #1445
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I would really encourage you to accept the bed. You need it and deserve it. Other people will be looked after. You need this for you, even if it doesn't feel like it helps, maybe it will a little?

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Old 17-07-2019, 06:45 PM   #1446
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I will probably try. It's maybe trivial but I'm also worried about disturbing people because my Hayfever is pretty bad especially in bed in the morning and this morning I was half asleep and snorting so the snorting was incorporated into my dream and it took a while for me to realise it was reality.

I'm also worried about my brother. And I'm worried about my cats because they will only get one visit a day. They will have to get all of their food at once and I know that cat1 will likely finish his quickly and cat2 might leave some of his but then cat1 will eat it. Cat2 also might regurgitate his if he eats more than he's happy with and cat1 will likely eat the regurgitated food too (disgusting I know). They want a lot of attention from me too so I'm worried they'll be sad and bored.

People will judge me in hospital too since I have managed 3 weeks at home. They will discharge me quickly even if it is actually helping and I could do with a bit of a longer stay.

I don't even know how to occupy myself tonight. The last bit of waiting always seems to be the worst. It's the same the day before I am discharged from hospital, it seems to go more slowly than usual.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-07-2019, 04:12 PM   #1447
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I should have known this would happen. No one phoned me first thing in the morning so I phoned at 11am and the CPN said sorry but there isn't a bed for you any more. Lol! Lol! Lol! Lol! She said she was going to talk to her team leader and she'd phone me back in the afternoon. The worker from the gym group asked me to come to the group and just sit in the cafe so I did. When I got home there was a message on my house phone saying they will phone the ward every day. Back to square one.

After the group I went a wander to see if I could access X place to kill myself but there was no access along the route I walked. Pathetic idiot. I bet you all think I wasn't serious anyway. When I was on the bus home I thought I could have got off at X place to kill myself but I had passed it and it's hard not to be seen during the day time but if I go to my appointment with my support worker tomorrow I might try and go on the way back.

When I was walking to the bus station an older guy said "are you fair tired?" and I said no I don't do anything that would make me tired. He got into a conversation with me and kept saying whatever you do enjoy your day and if you see something you like in the shops and you have the bucks then buy it. Which was quite sweet. Then I got on the bus and two of the people from the gym group were at a stop further on. They got on the bus, the first one turned and said something to the other one, and they totally ignored me. They did see someone they knew further up the bus and that's fine if they wanted to talk to her instead but they completely blanked me.

I'm a total useless, worthless, nothing. The way the bed situation is going is getting annoying now and I'm at the stage where I think it probably would be better for me to just give up everything if I can be brave enough.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-07-2019, 06:39 PM   #1448
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Please stay safe, you deserve to have help. Sorry they're messing you about.

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Old 18-07-2019, 06:42 PM   #1449
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We take you very seriously. I'm sorry, worried and frustrated that you're in this position. I don't know if you can take any comfort from the fact that I think your team take you seriously too, the bed situation is just so sh*t and it's not okay. It's not okay that you have to suffer. I understand your despair and I think I would feel the same, but I so hope you keep holding on until a bed is available.

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Old 18-07-2019, 06:58 PM   #1450
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Thank you both.

There's no point in going into hospital anyway. This circle of pain is never-ending while I am alive. I have seriously had enough. I hope not to be able to stay safe to be honest.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-07-2019, 07:28 PM   #1451
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I definitely think there's hope for you. But that hope can only happen while you're alive. You're so understandably exhausted, but what if an admission helped with that, just to have some space to talk, and maybe even come up with a plan going forward. Sending so much love.

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Old 19-07-2019, 09:39 AM   #1452
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How are you today?

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Old 19-07-2019, 02:40 PM   #1453
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Thanks.

If I ever get a bed I just know that someone else will need the bed in an emergency and some of the staff at least will hate me and be saying that I don't need a bed and that the emergency patient could have had it. Even if being inpatient is helping I will be quickly discharged. I am worthless and I don't deserve support.

Things continue to be tough. There are new messages in my tinnitus which are really scaring me because it's all a jumble that I can't make out. I can't get away from my tinnitus and I shouldn't try anyway because if I can figure out the messages they will be about how to protect people.

I cancelled my support worker this morning because she makes me feel worse. I didn't really want to talk to her but she was there and she was fine with me cancelling. I don't feel able to tell her any of the stuff that has been going on. She said that the CPN is going to talk to my psychiatrist about where we go from here regarding admission and she will phone me after she talks to him.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-07-2019, 03:58 PM   #1454
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I wish my CPN wasn't off because she's the only person I can properly talk to. Also, I'm very worried about what might be happening with her since she's off sick.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-07-2019, 07:29 PM   #1455
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I wish I could make the messages clearer somehow. There is something I'm supposed to be doing and I don't know what it is. Maybe any risky thing would be sort of sufficient. It's always daylight though. There are always people around.

I am the least important person in the world. I am just a vessel that brings hurt and that is supposed to follow commands to take away hurt. I am failing at taking away hurt.

I feel so alone.

Oh, and the CPN didn't phone me today. Plus no support has been arranged for over the weekend.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-07-2019, 07:41 PM   #1456
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
I am the least important person in the world.

You're more important to me than a lot of the people I know IRL. And I think other people would say the same. You're far from the bottom of the list of important people.

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Old 20-07-2019, 11:30 AM   #1457
one_step_closer
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Thank you NP, that is lovely. <3





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-07-2019, 04:14 PM   #1458
one_step_closer
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I really need my CPN. All of this is getting too much. What if I've killed her?

Life is terrifying and I am a monster and I want to be destroyed.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-07-2019, 07:12 PM   #1459
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You haven't killed her, you're not that powerful. I can understand the strength of pain that feels like it can do that, though.

Life can be terrifying, you're not a monster, and shouldn't be destroyed.

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Old 22-07-2019, 12:18 PM   #1460
one_step_closer
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Thank you.

I don't want to do this. Still not heard from the CMHT. I don't think my CPN will be back this week but it would be good if she was.

I am never going to be ok with living.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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