Things have gone dreadfully wrong.
I'm unsure where to start, I hate admitting it but things are sliding pretty damn fast.
I've been weight restored for years now... but I've always been purging - at times, on and off - walking this tightrope between wellness and sickness but always pulling myself back before I fall off. My CMHT have been pushing the ED services to discharge me since my weight is stable. Today I was honest about how bad things have gotten, but I feel like a fraud again, because I feel a bit like I'm still on the tightrope, I haven't quite fallen flat on my face, not just yet.
So I've been purging on and off for years but keeping my weight steady. I've never worried about it, I just accepted that this is how it is, this is my recovery and that's that. But I guess that's the way it all sneaks in.
Well, it's hurting now. It's all the time, I'm being an absolute bitch to my partner who has taken to following me to the bathroom, I've taken to just purging anywhere I can because this thing in my head doesn't give 2 sh*ts. And it's... embarrassing. It's terribly shameful & he doesn't understand because he's been with me 2 years and I've never really told him I still purge on the 'odd' occasion. But now I'm shopping every day again and I'm bingeing every day again and everything is hurting and I don't wanna get sick again, I really really don't, I wanna stay on that tightrope. I don't wanna have fallen off.
So he threated to call my CPN if I didn't tell her today when she came round.
She organised a meeting with the ED team and my doctor. And I'm scared.
I'm scared my purging won't be taken seriously.
I'm scared it will. And that'll mean I'm sick again.
I'm scared I'm messing everything up all over again.