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Old 28-05-2019, 10:38 AM   #1
Margo
 
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The trouble with meaning well *suicide*

Iíve been good the past 3 years. Happy for the first time in many. Thereís a lot going on now. New job, getting married, huge living decision to be made also.

I havenít been right since December. I know Iíve been low level depressed since then. However itís the kind of depressed that you just get on with and accept because, after all, Iíve felt much Much worse.

Last few weeks have been bad. Really bad. No sh thoughts but strong suicidal thoughts. Stronger than most Iíve felt.
Only reason itís stop is my partner and the dog. I just canít do that to them.

She called the doc and made an appointment. I went and now Iím being referred to the mht again.

Iíve been free of mh services for just over 3 years now promising Iíd never return.

Friend said today to just focus on all the positive in my life. Friends who donít understand do that donít they. Just look on the bright side. Youíve GOT TO focus on the good stuff. You know itís just x or y.

Somehow itís the things like that that hurt most. They hurt because they make you feel like youíre a failure for not seeing the light. For not seeing itís just an email or just a conversation to have. Thereís nothing to be frightened of and so on.

Docs again in 20 mins. So low. So full of anxiety and weird paranoid thoughts.

No where else to say this.

Failing hard. Yet again



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 28-05-2019, 09:00 PM   #2
Zurg
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Matt, it's not failure when things happen that are beyond your control.

Maybe it's the pressure of all the great things that are happening. Maybe it's not. Finding out exactly why it happens isn't always helpful or the key to the solution though.

You need to talk about this. Not just the general feelings but all the really bad amd nasty and ugly stuff too. Sometimes talking about it can help lessen the grip it has on you. I for one, am glad you are getting referred to services again. They helped you before and maybe they can help you again. I hope so!!!!

You are trying. That is the most important thing.

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Old 07-06-2019, 05:14 PM   #3
Eir
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*belated hugs*
I hope things have improved.
The system sucks pretty much the word over. I hope you landed a case worker who cares at least.
Take care
Annie



...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull

No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer

Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~

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Old 01-08-2019, 01:22 AM   #4
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Kat and Annie

Thank you. I went to the mht with the knowledge I was not going back into the system again. CPN was nice. He understood. He was shocked and amazed I’d been so ill for so long. Said if not had the right treatment and intimated the treatment I’d had was helping prolong and enable the depression.
We both agreed I didn’t need to be put back into the system.

Ups and downs again. Never fully up and never fully down. Still I end up In my safe dark place over and over again. Still I daydream of it all blacking out and the torture ending.

The doc was lovely at the follow up. I tried hard to explain that what many would find disturbing I just find normal now. Like living with chronic pain or something, you just get used to normal pain. I think she understood.

The follow up letter from the mht spoke of how insightful I was. Said positive things about me. That was ok.

I’m at the stage now where I’ll just keep quiet. I guess I have to make do. Im not normal but I’m ok. I very rarely feel truly happy. It is seldom I am ever excited.

I’d love to feel like I’m worth something.



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 02-08-2019, 09:16 PM   #5
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Wow. Bang. Just like that. The thoughts. They aren’t scary. They make all the sense. I whispered them to the dog. Then laughed. Right now it’s all I want.



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 06-08-2019, 05:12 PM   #6
Slip
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I think you’re worth the world my wonderful penguin x



I know its a wonderful world.


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Old 06-08-2019, 05:57 PM   #7
Margo
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slip View Post
I think youíre worth the world my wonderful penguin x



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 06-08-2019, 08:45 PM   #8
Zurg
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Matt, i can't say whether it will get better. I can't promise you that you will one day leave all the pain and hurt behind and never return to it. But the hope is there as long as you keep trying. As long as you keep going. Maybe it seems pointless but i hope you can find the strength inside to keep trying to make life better and more bearable for yourself. The way i see it, some people struggle through their entire lifetime but it's not the struggles and their hardship that define them but more their courage and strength because they kept trying. There is hope in just getting up to face another day.

Maybe you need something that is radically different that what the ordinary system of mental health can offer. Maybe you need to think about what makes life menaningful for you, what is important to you. It's so easy to think and feel we're not worth anything and then of course, our lives lose purpose and direction. But being lost doesn't make you a lost cause.

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Old 08-08-2019, 08:45 PM   #9
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Thank you Kat.

Saw the doc today for another checkup. Said I feel flat and at a constant low level but I also said I’m so used to it there is no point in worrying.

I just feel more lost every day these days. I’m not sure why I’m even here. I literally get no enjoyment from anything at the moment. I just plod on and on.

I know I need to change. I just wish I could remove these shackles that make everything seem such an effort right now



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 17-08-2019, 08:12 PM   #10
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Hey Matt, you are worth worrying about. Lots of stuff going on for you, be kind to yourself xxx



Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER

Mand x

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Old 25-08-2019, 06:27 PM   #11
pugdog
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Matt,

I can totally relate to what you're feeling. You are able to write it down very well, im terrible at explaining how i feel to others. I hope everything goes well for you. Im not on here very often, its nice to recognize some familiar people on here.

Take care

-brian



'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'

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Old 25-08-2019, 07:35 PM   #12
Zurg
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When you say that you need to change, it makes me feel like you're actually saying that feeling like this is your own fault, that youíre somehow chosen it above feeling okay. That puts an awful lot of pressure and guilt on yourself which is undeserved. I don't think you would choose to feel like this.

I know kindness towards yourself and selfcare are very far from you right now so i'll just leave you with an excercise my psychologist asked me to do as often as i remember. The thing is to just ask yourself every now and then ďwhat do i want right now and what do i need??Ē When we hate ourselves compulsively we learn to ignore our wants and needs. A small act of selfcare can be to ask yourself what you need right now. Checking in on your needs and acknowlegding their existence. You don't have to act on them but to get back to basics it can be a good excercise to do.

Sorry if my reply was useless. You matter to a lot of people, Matt. Itíd be so tragic to lose you to an illness that really only wants to destroy you <3

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Old 06-09-2019, 11:09 PM   #13
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Hey Brian. Nice to see you too :)

Thanks Kat. I know what you mean and,yes, I do blame myself 100%. Spoke to my therapist last week who said I don’t ever aim my anger outwardly and always aim it inwardly. She was 100% correct. I get angry about things and just swallow it all in and turn it against myself. I’m always to blame regardless.

Having a terrible day today. One where even breathing is an effort. I managed to walk the dog and walk for 6 miles but it didn’t really help. Well I say it didn’t help but it didn’t make me feel any worse. All of me aches. I just feel like everything from years back is returning again. I have the doctors next week again for a checkup. I don’t want to tell her how bad things are because I was told that the next step will be a meds’ review. I can’t change now as there’s so much going on over the next 7 weeks.

I just wish I could wake up as a totally different person. I loath myself. I really do. Stupid f**king head.



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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