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Old 21-03-2019, 01:10 PM   #1
koiwai's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: UK
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overly long autobiography

Hi everyone.

It's my first time on this forum.

I sort of don't see why anyone would want to read all this but I feel like venting about my journey on here to see if it makes me feel better, or maybe someone can relate, or even help me.

I've been struggling with my mental health since I was too young to even understand what was going on.

I had really bad anxiety when I didn't know what "anxiety" was. I cried every day and had compulsive thoughts and really bad identity crisis ever since I was 11. I didn't get any help back then. My mom, even though I believe she loves me dearly, just didn't understand why I would suddenly start crying inconsolably. So she freaked out and scolded me. So I decided never to cry in front of my mom again, and to deal with it on my own. I dealt with my really bad anxiety on my own until I was about 16, when I finally got better.

As you can imagine, during those years, I went through a lot. I even got anxiety medication without prescription through an older friend who was properly diagnosed. I didn't last that long on it because my school started noticing I would doze off in class and told my mom I was probably smoking weed and wanted to do a drug test on me even though to this date I've never smoked weed and I didn't have a sip of alcohol until I was 22. So I went off my own concocted mix of anxiety medication on my own and somehow survived the withdrawal symptoms.

The thing is, I finally got better with time. And I was doing fine for about 2 or 3 years, no anxiety or depression or at least not the kind that takes over your life.

But then, I got really bad around 2 years ago.

I'm a 23yo girl with an almost complete degree on what was my dream career back when I had any dreams at all. I'm a video games programmer.

From the outside, people tend to tell me they admire me profesionally. I also get compliments on my looks.

I've always had self-esteem problems, but at the same time, I've also always wanted to do what I wanted to do despite it. I didn't fit in in school/high-school at all, I was in a Catholic, private, all-girls school for 12 years and I really didn't like what was going on in there. It was hard and it made my anxiety worse, but I wasn't going to let the school destroy me.

And then, instead, Uni broke me. My mental health was deteriorating little by little. I had a boyfriend back then that was in the same class (even though I knew him from before uni, on the internet) that didn't help at all. He made me feel worthless all the time. He laughed at me a lot. He treated me like I was invisible all the time except when he wanted something from me. I got into a big car accident and he didn't even come to see me to the hospital, but I had to go run all his errands for him. He used me as his second mom when his mom started to be fed up with him after he was 20 and refusing to act his age.

I also had a really bad relationship with his mom. His mom was too protective of him and just didn't mix well with my personality. But I was forced to live with him in his same house even though I had my own, because "if you don't want to stay with me, isn't it just that you don't love me?"

At the same time, I was juggling with my Uni classes, which were pretty difficult for everyone. I had really severe back pain that I've been having since I was like 11, and it used to get really bad even 30 minutes in of being sat down in front of the computer. I just didn't have time or energy to focus on my school work, so my grades, which were in the first year pretty good, kept falling.

Teachers kept telling me I was just lazy. Then it turned into "maybe you're not made for this". It started feeling like everyone thought I was just a big failure.

I even purposely fail only 1 module to be able to stay one year behind with my boyfriend back then because then I would be able to help him with his studies (he was going to be repeating that year with a lot more subjects)

Then, funny enough, he just didn't try at all and completely quit uni and changed courses.

At some point, I broke up with him. It was a 4 years relationship so it wasn't an easy thing to do, but a friend helped me open my eyes to how I deserved to be treated.

I was still in Uni struggling really hard with my health, my mental health, and my grades. But that was a breath of fresh air. At least the social part of my life was getting better.

I started going out with the friend that taught me to love myself enough to leave my ex. For me, it was the first healthy relationship I ever had. For him, it was his first relationship, period.

I also kept studying, even though it felt so painful most of the time, because I knew what I wanted and no amount of pain or struggle was going to stop me. I wanted to not care if people thought I was useless because I wanted to believe in myself. But of course, it was still killing my self-esteem inside.

At some point, a classmate of mine started making romantic advances towards me. I didn't want to hurt him, but I was in a loving relationship, even if it wasn't perfect, so I told him I couldn't go out with him because I had a partner, but that my partner was fine with me still being close to him because he really wasn't jealous at all and just wanted for me to feel happy and free to do whatever I wanted with whoever I wanted.

But he kept crossing boundaries. I remember I once ran back home crying because he tried to kiss me, even though I already had told him I didn't want to go out with him. Then it got worse and worse. I don't know why I didn't do anything. I don't know why I didn't tell him sooner and more forcefully that I didn't want what was happening. I don't believe he was trying to harm me, but he did. But I kept our friendship anyway and I kept letting those things happening (all to the knowledge of my real partner, of course)

Months went by and he kept getting closer, more romantic, giving me the attention I might have lacked from my partner, and somehow I convinced myself that all that pushing from before was okay. That I wanted it. Even though I know I totally didn't.

So at some point, he invited me to his house. And while I was there and with no way to return to my house, he told me I had to breakup with my partner or we would never see again. So I felt forced to do it. So I did.

But of course, I didn't want to. I hadn't felt like doing that in all those months, so why now? but I still did.

It was painful. I felt like I didn't want to lose either of them, but that mostly I didn't want to lose my partner.

I even told them both, that I loved and missed my partner. But the pushing one kept pushing anyway, he wanted me to be with him. Even though I told him that I loved my partner, who was leaving. So I still went through with it.

And we lived quite well. But deep inside it felt fake. It was very nice because he showered me with attention and gifts and love that I didn't receive before. We had a really good physical connection. But it wasn't fulfilling. Something wasn't right, even though I tried convincing myself that it was.

Our "real" relationship lasted about a year.

I had my ups and downs. Then it started to be all downs. Then I armed myself in strength and broke up with him, and told my partner from before that I still loved him. Now I'm back with him. But I'm broken. I'm broken from Uni, I'm broken about how relationships are, I'm broken in self-esteem, I have a really bad depression.

I also had a sexual assault from someone I thought was my friend who raped me when I was in my house recovering from an overdose on sleeping pills after they sent me home. It really didn't help.

I've been self-harming for months, the most I've been without self-harming is a month.

I've had overdoses that have landed me in the hospital multiple times.

I've been on antidepressants for almost a year now but I'm still like this.

Now any small thing in my life that should just make me slightly sad makes me suicidal.

Now I see my ex with his new girlfriend that he got in less than one month after our breakup even though he said I was the love of his life and it stings me, you know? I don't wish him bad, and I don't want him to be unhappy, rationally, but something deep inside me is still affected greatly, and I'm sinking.

Also I'm in my last year of Uni, studying abroad, like I've always dreamed to do, and instead I'm just getting poor/average grades because I don't give a damn about it all anymore.

I feel useless. I feel like I've wasted my whole life and learned nothing. I feel like I can't do anything and that I'm back to square 0 from before I started Uni. I feel like I don't deserve love and I'll never feel love or be in a loving relationship again. I don't get joy out of anything. I can barely eat. Heck, even my libido has gone out of the window. I don't have any dreams. All I do is cry and try to keep up with my uni work in hopes that sometime in the future I'll magically feel better.

So yeah, nice to meet you all too :)

((I read the rules before posting, I kept out the details that might have been triggering, I hope I didn't screw up.))

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Old 02-04-2019, 05:16 PM   #2
I always have a choice
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: sitting this one out in the safety cupboard
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Hey, welcome to RYL, I'm sorry that you've had so many difficult experiences. You said you were back with your previous partner but then said you didn't feel like you would ever be in a loving relationship again; is the relationship not going well or has it ended?

Have you ever been offered any talking therapies in addition to medication? I wonder if that might help you to process some of your experiences and start to move forward.

We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.

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Old 02-04-2019, 06:44 PM   #3
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Location: London area

Welcome. :)

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Old 03-04-2019, 02:03 PM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Hi, welcome to RYL. I hope you find it helpful here. Take care.

I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

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