Never been much of a poster, was a mod on another forum what feels like another lifetime ago that took most of the brunt of the horrendous amounts of teenage angst.
Its been more or less 12 years since I last actually harmed. In that time, I dated a nutjob of a woman who when we split tried to literally destroy my life, met my first love from high school and married her (only took us 13 years, people were literally asking if we were dating when we were in highschool, and we were super close at the time)
Career-wise nothing has moved on from what I was doing 5 years ago which sucks. Literally started in a call centre environment, and thanks to some super shitty decisions I made (I will own them fully) I am back in a different type of call centre, basically doing the same kind of work as I was when fresh out of Uni. Which I never completed and now can't actually afford to complete thanks to aforementioned psycho.
So on the surface, everything seems to be going ok right? I mean ok job wise its crap, but everything else is kinda ok.
I feel like I am tiptoeing on the knife edge (pardon the pun) every single day. I used to be able to block and numb out all this with booze, but that gets expensive fast, and I decided to cut that **** out. I have a beer maybe once or twice a month. Bottom shelf ale from Lidl or Aldi. And then I leave it at that.
I just wish that I wasn't feeling so horrendously anxious and panicky and at the same time depressed and horribly demotivated to the point of almost catatonia. GP visits tend to go down the route of "Get out more and exercise, lost X so that your BMI is at a healthy range, and then we will think about looking at everything else that is going on".
Story of my life. They accept I am ill, but I am not mentally ill enough to need significant health because there are other people out there who need a damn sight more help than I do.
I guess I am just angry. I am struggling more and more as time goes on, and whilst my wife tries (and I know she does), I worry that as time goes on, and she wants children (I want them, but I am terrified I would be an awful father), that i won't be able to give them the stability and encouragement that they need and deserve.
I am scared, some days so much so that I feel like I can barely breathe.
I am scared to fail. But I am more scared to succeed for the first time in my life at something...