So I binged yesterday for the first time in literally years. I can't figure out why and I feel so terrible about it. Physically and emotionally. I at least didn't purge.
I've been losing weight and I'm very anxious about it so I'm wondering if this is a reaction to that and my dad's very ill and I have a LOT of feelings about that so maybe the binge was a reaction to the stress. But... I know other ways to deal with stress. And I don't understand why I kept eating after it hurt. I normally avoid food or eat light stuff when I'm stressed.
And boyfriend wasn't home and I'm better able to keep on the right side of things when he's around. Maybe it was a perfect storm of stress, self hate, and lack of audience. But even with all that, I've been in more stressful situations and haven't binged and whatnot. I'm normally able to do okay. And boyfriend doesn't know/understand exactly how bad I was before. Although I never fit enough of the clinical markers, my eating was disordered for years and even if I'd met the clinical markers, I never sought treatment - I just did it on my own. There were so many other things I needed to get a handle on that the eating thing just flew under the radar.
I just feel so lost and out of control and TIRED. I want someone to tell me it's okay, knowing what I did and how wasteful and gluttonous I was. That I won't gain a bunch of weight and that it's okay to look the way I do right now.
Bravo for not purging!! Honestly, that is huge! You weren't wasteful or gluttonous, and I'm sure you are beautiful just the way you are! You won't gain weight from one binge like that, it's going to be okay! Sometimes we have triggers that we aren't aware of until they come up again, and sometimes they develop, I'm still discovering triggers for myself. Do you think you would feel comfortable telling your BF the details of your ED? He might be able to help make sure this was just a one-time thing and would be able to give you support if you feel the need to act on behaviors again. As far as the "clinical markers" (especially the weight) they don't appear in everyone, not sure how long ago you were having trouble, and I'm not sure how long this has been out there, I've only heard it recently but I've only recently started recovery with a treatment team, but there is what's called EDNOS which is Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified which is basically an umbrella term and is allowing more people to get help with ED's even if they don't fit all the "clinical markers". I wouldn't get worked up over one binge, my team told me to accept that it happens, and just keep trying to do better.
Try to keep thinking positive, look how well you've done and how far you've come! If you start feeling the desire to do it again, especially very soon, then I would suggest telling someone who can help, from my understanding it is soooooo much easier to recover if it's just starting vs letting it take control over your life. Also, you said you've been losing weight? Have you been on a diet? Sometimes if you restrict it can trigger a binge, which according to my nutritionist is more the body craving food vs a compulsive behavior. She said there are both. I have anorexia binge/purge subtype, and for me specifically she said my "binges" were just body craving food, there have been some situations where I believe I was compulsively eating, but I have to admit since increasing my calorie intake as directed, I have far less desire to binge.
PS I will be praying for your dad, I hope he feels better soon!!!
I ended up calling my boyfriend. While I didn't tell him all the details, he knows I ate more than I'm supposed to. He also gave me permission to eat dinner today (while I know I don't need it, sometimes I want it or it feels like I need it.) He did suggest eating kind of light today because we both know I'm in for some upset in the GI tract until I'm back to baseline. So a lot of fruit, lightly cooked veggies, and a bit of comfort food. He also suggested going to exercise because he knows it makes me feel better, but it's too hot and the gym is closed today.
EDNOS, I'm not sure if it was around when I was looking into getting help specifically for eating, but I decided that other issues were more important and since they fed into my eating issues, tackling them would help with the eating issues. I probably bounced between anorexia and bulimia at different points, but the eating itself was never really the primary issue. Fear, anxiety, control, feelings of worth and value were the issue. These are still things I struggle with to some extent, but I am doing significantly better and my eating has generally been a non issue for quite some time. Close to five years, I think?
I haven't been on a diet per se. I've been trying to eat more fruits and veggies, but the weight loss has been just kind of happening. It actually started before I started trying to eat healthy so IDK. It's a long story and I've been trying to keep track of things, which unfortunately means a lot of numbers are involved and I cannot share that information.
Typically if I want something like junk food, I just let myself have it but I try not to have a LOT of it. Yesterday... it was ALL junk food. So much food too. Normally I don't even want to binge, which is why I'm kind of flustered and frightened by this. But I suppose you're right. This is just a one off and I can accept it and move on and try to not do it again. It's just so wasteful to eat such a large quantity all at once when if you space it out you can actually enjoy it and you're going to be hungry again anyway.
My dad is not really a nice person and I have mixed feelings about him dying. On the one hand, I'd feel a lot safer with him gone. On the other, isn't kind of evil(?) to wish someone dead? But with his poor choices, it shouldn't be much longer before the choices he's made catch up with him. His whole health situation is very stressful and while I try to keep it far away from me, it's still impacting me more than I'd like.
Last edited by Amaryllis : 05-07-2018 at 02:34 AM.
It's not nice when something out of the blue hits you like that. You did tremendously well to go years without bingeing I have complete faith in you that this is a one off and even if it isn't you have the inner strength to stay on top of this.
Out sounds like you have a lot going, a perfect storm as you said. Try to be gentle with yourself it sounds like you have some ideas of what contributed to it, do you think you would recognise this triggers again?
Your bf suggestions sound like good ideas. How are you feeling now?
Location: sitting this one out in the safety cupboard
I am currently:
Hey, sorry I'm late seeing this. I agree that this can just be a one off and it doesn't take away from all of your achievements and how far you've come.
Please be gentle with yourself- it's not like you wasted a bunch of food just for the hell of it; you were stressed and things went a little wonky but that's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's going to be OK.
And don't beat yourself up. I can't say I'll be too sad when your dad dies. He made you feel so unsafe and caused you so much pain it's not even a tiny bit surprising that a part of you wishes him dead.
We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.
I agree with the others - and the other thing too, even if you've been involuntarily restricting, the body often responds by eating more to make up for it, i.e. bingeing. So if you've been under a lot of stress and maybe under eating, it legit might have been your body's response to it, and not even anything psychological. Bodies are very good at self preservation in that respect.
I'm sorry you are dealing with all of that and I hope you have some good support through things and that can listen to you. <3
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.