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Old 20-06-2018, 12:21 AM   #1
The Author
AmberSmokesWeed
 
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: USA, Florida
I am currently:
Blade *Extremely Dark* *Triggering*

I wrote this about some really tough times I was going through a bit back, and it is extremely dark and discusses self-harm in the song. It could be unsafe to read for those who are currently depressed or could be triggered by this sort of thing. I am now in a somewhat better place, and I am NOT encouraging the behavior described in this song. This is merely a representation of how I felt at the time.

They always told me it was just the medication running through my veins,
They washed my bed sheets a thousand times, never saw the stains,
I guess the red just fit right in with the rest of my room,
Every day I got out of bed over my head the depression would loom

It was always something else, never up with me,
I guess they shut their eyes just so that they couldn’t see,
They never understood what was going on in my head,
“You just need to brave up and push through” is what they always said

I guess they never saw what it was doing to me,
All I ever wanted was to truly be free,
Every day there felt like a prison to me,
Couldn’t go five minutes with time for me free,

My problems weren’t my own but I was always the problem,
My family’s so ****ed, I swear, somethin’s wrong with em
No one in that house ever took any blame for themselves,
Why do that when it’s easier to blame someone else

Couldn’t they see that they were torturing me but it wasn’t just me,
Every day for every one of us was pain and misery,
Yelling every time we got home, it tore me apart but ****,
At the same time I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be a part of it,
You ****in hear that ****?

My own family made me question whether I wanted to be a part of it,
And now that I’m older I’m left with the dilemma of whether I wanna be involved in that ****,
And how ****ed up is it that I actually considered taking my own life,
Not once, not even twice, at one point it was a damn near daily fight

Now I know no family is perfect when no one’s looking,
But ninety-nine percent of theirs was perfectly worth booking,
Instead I was stuck with a group full of beasts,
If every argument was a buffet then our days were feasts,

We got involved in therapy, I talked to so many shrinks,
But every single one couldn’t fix the broken links,
I can’t even blame them, I’d want to run away too,
Our family wasn’t human, more like lions in a zoo

Every chance we got to fight it was a ****ing blood bath,
My family was Christian, but didn’t break it on the Sabbath,
I’m not even exaggerating either, every day it’d be the same,
Come home from school, get yelled at, run away in shame

I tried to act tough and put on a mean face,
But every single argument was a godamn disgrace,
Cuz in every single one I’d keep my emotions at bay,
It killed me from the inside out, my spirit drained away

Now there’s nothing left but a living hollow husk,
I only ever feel something when I cut myself at dusk,
That’s right, after everything, I turned to self harm,
Only took three weeks but you’d be impressed by my arm,

Did you think there wasn’t a reason I wore long sleeves in the summer,
You didn’t think I was hiding something, just thought I’d gotten dumber?
Well news to you, I had blood on my hands,
Dripping down my arms, got caught in the bands
That every single day, I wore on my arms
Who would’ve guessed that CJ self-harms?

What a surprise, the edgy kid who’d made edgy jokes
Knew more about edges than most fellow blokes
Cause every single day he’d play a pretty little game
Where he’d take a knife and go off to rescue a dame,

But the dames were his emotions, hidden under his skin,
And he’d have to cut them out if he expected to win,
He knew his parents’ bible said it was sin,
But little did they know an atheist he’d long been

A rebel, every day he’d strayed further away,
But maybe he was just finding his own way,
It wasn’t his intention to do any harm,
No intention to cause any alarm,

But his parents’ insisted it was completely inconsistent,
With the way that they’d expected him to be coexistent,
With every single one of their highly-thought wishes,
So punishments they’d hand out in generously sized dishes,

Unaccepting of the ways he’d become independent,
Cause every thought that didn’t mirror their own was resistant,
Couldn’t be his own personality come into existence,
Had to be he’d taken to all opposing stances

His sister didn’t help either, only made it worse,
Always seem to want to fight, some unnatural thirst,
Encouraged him to kill himself every single day,
Little did she know she sent him on his way

He never actually did it, never had the guts,
Thank god for that, so now instead he shuts
His door every day to lock himself away,
Puts on some music and forgets about the day

Eventually he’ll forget about how his life is full of problems,
Or so he thought, but even through his music they follow him,
He feels nothing but knows he kind of wants to,
It’s the only thing human that he knows how to do

So he takes out his blade and slides it across his arm,
Maybe one day he won’t need to self-harm,
Just to feel emotions that he had long forgotten,
But for now his blade’s the only one who actually got him.



Who I appear to be and who I actually am are two entirely different things.

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