struggling with uni/placement

[Eir]

Does anyone have any distraction ideas. I've been reading, pintrest-ing, having cigarettes, manipulating my sore finger (I have at least hyperextended it, accidentally a couple of days ago, tripped into a door frame)). Haven't cut. For two reasons - no way to hide it and I don't trust myself not to make it into an attempt on my life.
I just need to survive till I can leave to work. Can cope there because there's expectations there.
I just want to kill myself. Have for days. It getting harder and harder. There's a mix of voices, some are me Others not, all saying why I don't deserve to live. I'm ruining my man's life. I'm ruining my ddaughters life. No one gives a **** and they have no reason to. It's right that they don't. I'm useless and ruin everything.
The only reason I'm trying is work. To pay my penance, by caring for those people. Try to make their end as comfortable as possible, because they don't deserve a horrible end like me. Maybe I'll earn peace through penance.
Just writing this has helped a tiny bit.

[Margo]

Your daughter will love you unconditionally. It's what they do. You aren't ruining her life. Bad mums are mums that don't get upset or realise they are doing anything wrong. Kids do pick up on bad vibes. You're trying your best. If you can, hand on heart, say that you have purposefully set out to harm her in any way then you may chastise yourself. If not then perhaps cut yourself some slack. Would you scream at her and tell her to get a grip if she was scared and didn't know how to deal with something? I doubt it.


So you're worrying and feel dreadful and guilty and angry and resentful. I can relate to that. I think those feelings are quite normal.

Have you told your partner you are struggling and to what extent? You can't put your own health at risk to preserve his. Putting the health of others first does a few things. One it makes us worse and two it can lead to resentment. One partner who is struggling can also seek to hold the other back for fear of the other getting well and leaving them behind. It's like when people quit smoking and the smokers try and keep offering cigarettes.

Can you get out and go for a walk? Walking distracts me. Something small perhaps like getting off the bus a stop early, taking a slightly different route home, walking to the store and back.

Part of me feels you want permission to hurt yourself. If it will help no one here would condone but no one here would condemn either. If it helps it helps. If you feel the risk of taking it too far is too great then perhaps you need to rethink. However, could you leave your daughter? I doubt it. It's obvious you love her and care loads else you wouldn't beat yourself up over her so much.

Get some air. Watch something funny. We all have a favourite comedy show or film. It's so easy to find live streams and box sets online for free.

Stay safe. Stuff is ok. Just stay safe with stuff.

Don't put others first. Put yourself first. It's not selfishness when the intentions are pure and for the good of both you and those around you. Isn't that a lesson you'd love to tach your daughter?

X

[Eir]

Thanks Matthew. It's helped a bit. I wanna teach her that, butnitsnso hard, andnharder stillness I'm likE this. I had it oncenbut it wentnaway
I had a meltdown last night. The man was down and kept coming up with comebacks to any supportive statement I made , then brought up stuff I said whilst I was delusional last meltdown, and then how my low sex drive makes him feel like I don't love or want him. I cried. We sorted it as much as things can be when I'm Like that. It always seeming happen when i can't go and walk. Its either three am or immediately before work
It's all made the ruining his life voices stronger.
I still have suicidal thoughts.
I don't Think I can quite explain it to him. He gets ddepression, he gets anxiety. Voices not so much. I've tried.
I don't want permission to cut. I want to be able to show that I'm struggling sometimes, without him thinking it's all on him. No matter what I tell him, he can't seem to get that. Cos when he thinks it's his fault he beats himself up, which makes me worse. Kinda a catch 22. Round and round like circling a drain.

[Eir]

Don't wanna deal with this anymore.
He hates all the parts of being human he says. Hates the need to eat, hates having dirty dreams, hate sleeping.
You know what, I hate the fact I can't tell him jack **** about how I'm feeling cos it makes him feel worse.
**** him for thinking that the reason I feel down is cos I'm having to do more round the house. I dont give a **** about that.
If I felt I could tell him what was going on he wouldn't think that. But then he would tell me it's all part of the worlds plan to **** him over. **** everyone over.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe government is around to **** Us over for the elite. I just dontnthink the playstation ****s up to get on his nerves to keep him unstable. I really don't think anyone could see him as a threat to world order.
I think I need to step up the seroquel the voices are creeping up again, moods are swinging. And I'm a bit obsessive about sharp objects right now. That's tonight's task. Better do it before I do something with long term consequences.

[Margo]

There's a lot of anger here. That anger has to go somewhere. I hope you can channel some of it wisely. Can you speak to your doctor about raising the medication.?

Your relationship sounds unhealthy as it stands. Your partner needs help and so do you.

I would not advocate screaming at him, but you need to find some way to communicate with him. Maybe this could be by both going to the docs or a counsellor?

It could be the push he needs. Depression is so selfish and self centred at times it can be hard to see past your nose. If allowed to wallow we will sink deeper and deeper. I am a great example of this myself.

take it easy and try to speak to as many people as you can.

Be safe

[Eir]

Thanks Matthew. I did read it soon after you posted but wasn't in a good place to reply.
Dr did up meds. I didn't take them all weekend tho so I'm not really stable at the moment. I know my relationship is ****ed up. Cant see myself without him, too scared to say how I am not right and the steps I have taken to make myself better.
I hope you are doing better.

[Eir]

So, I dropped out of one subject. Cos I couldn't bring myself to even think of starting othe assignment.
When Im off, I thinking such a failure for doing it. Which currently is most of the time. Rationally I know it was for the best. That I am not put behind by doing so. That it's better to have deferred it to next year's I would probably would not have gotten good marks if I even passed.
But then the voices just point out that it's just one more sign that I'm not cut out for my chosen profession. That I should just save everyone including myself the heartache of my existence.
They are quieter today.
Work is a great distraction, up until I realised I had ruined a professional relationship unwittingly, and a friendship made through work somewhat unintentionally, with widespread results, such as a whole shift being passed at me on that person's behalf. Although I guess I can be proud of the fact that it took six years to do either. But strangely enough neither bothers me as much as it would have two years ago.
Just down toda, I guess.

[Margo]

Hugs and hugs

[Eir]

Thanks.

[Eir]

<i>I try to pull myself together, I try<I/>
**** you world
Fight with the man, over cleaning, how pathetic.
Nan's in surgery with poor prognosis
Just **** it all

[Eir]

Somewhat better. But not alright.
Nan's in recovery.
All good between me and man.
Still not right

[Margo]

When you aren't really bad but not quite right and sort of getting along but with that underlying sadness, do you feel in a sort of limbo?

I hate that. It's when I get most scared I think. I can sort of deal with terrible because it's what I know and i can deal with well because, well, I'm well. However the bit i between is ****ing torture. Not I'll enough to convince my head i need help but not well enough to see a light.

Bah sorry. Rambling.

I guess, im wondering if you're in that state too?

Don't give up and don't put yourself last. You need to look after you for the good of all.

I think you're being really brave.

Xxx

[Eir]

Yeah, that's definitely it. Limbo. With small peaks and troughs. Things that would bother me don't, and in some ways that's a concern. I know I can deal with paranoia, I struggle with listlessness. This generalised apathy is difficult.
I know I usually would be concerned about what that chick from work is saying about me behind my back, it would usually be a major trigger for paranoid thoughts, but I really don't care. That worries me.
Nan's health would be a trigger, but I think work has made me immune to it as I know if she does pass at least she won't be in pain anymore (she has been in care since a major stroke with cognitive impairment, pain and one sided paralysis)
My man and I, I know I should work on our relationship but I don't know how. While it's barely functional, poking at it might destroy it and I'm not ready for that. I try not to dwell on its faults.
Can smile and maintain the mask. Just empty in side. Hollowed out. It seems nothing can touch me, because there is nothing there to touch.
The person I was a decade ago wasn't this empty. She might have thought she was, but she wasn't. She had all the pain and anger and sadness working as an anaesthetic, which made her numB. She cut to lift that numbness. To let her experience those things and the more positive emotions
I Doubt if I could rely on that working right now. I think about my stashed blade regularly, but have not retrieved it. What would be the point?

Don't worry about rambling Matthew, I get that way too. Sometimes reading others ramblings helps to pin down what's bothering me.
Thank you

[Eir]

Was feeling better for a bit, but now empty insidE again. It all just is pointless.
Want to bleed. A strange need for comfort through punishment.
It's all disjointed in my head.
Nothing makes sense. It's pointless to try to make sense.
Meandering dark roads, do I want to go?
No reason for the distress. Can't think straight.
Need a distraction from the echoes.

[Margo]

You've had some major stress recently. It can raise our game at times or send us spiralling down. I wonder if recent events gave you a bit of strength and now comes the slump?

What's sad is that you're afraid to confront the difficulties in your relationship. Scared it will ruin it when you already describe a pretty dire one already. It's amazing what we are prepared to put up with for fear of, well fear. I am the worlds worst at this so I'm not trying to preach.

As an old fart and one who has had a fair share of long term relationships I know what it's like to stagnate and watch it fall down around you. I also know that it's easy to pull each other under and both languish with heads barely above the water.

If you don't know what to do or how then maybe start with just yourself? Work on getting you a little better and stronger and then think about addressing the situation. Sometimes when we see a partner getting on it can inspire us to move too.

Get as much advice on the situation as you can. Go and make a list of what you want and what you don't want from a relationship. Maybe having something in front of you will let you see more clearly?

It's hard and paralysing. You've go more strength than you know.

Take care

Matthew xx

[Eir]

Voices are persistent today. "have a shower, slice yourself up" got the girl up instead, showered her "do it anyway, she won't comprehend" got out of the shower go dressed " you know you are ruining her life, should just leave and go die some place" more daily aactivities, more voices
The woman in the mirror isn't me. Couldnt dry my hair because of that.
I've carried a blade to work for 2 days, because of the incessant whispers keep pushing me to do it. They want me to cut at work. So i ruin the last untouched and safe part of my life. My scars itching all the time, surprised I haven't been asked if I have scabies.
I've been close to forgetting meds frequently. Either that or I've doubled up by accident.
Whens it gonna stop? Cos it feels like it ain't gonna...

[Margo]

I still stand by what I said.

you sound so stressed. I'm not surprised you want to cut and are getting forgetful and all the rest of it.

It will pass. Get some air. Give yourself a small treat.

Is there someone you can talk to? I really think you need to talk.

[Eir]

That could be my problem. I can tell some people bits and pieces, no one the whole. And some things just won't come out, even here where I feel safe to share the majority. Cant tell people in RL about the mirror thing. I'm just avoiding them for the minute, they're everywhere here. People might get me scheduled again. And I can't help but lie to psychs of any description.
I guess I am stressed, I've stopped myself twice from nicking to the bathroom to cut, I'm on break from my shift right now. I know exactly how I could explain it away. Nothing is really an obvious trigger at work, so my head is split between wanting to and beating myself up for wanting to.
I could probably see someone while I'm away from town on placement, like I got over showing my leg scars that way, but that opportunity is too short a window and too long away in time.
I need occupation to keep it at bay. The normal girl face plastered on. It's too quiet a night tonight at work, normally a blessing, tonight a curse.
I might send my best friend a text when I get home, see if she can catch up this weekend.
You're a good friend and great with the advice. I'm sorry I dont listen as well as I should. *hugs*

[Margo]

Christ don't apologise. If we took the advice of others readily none of us would be here.

Opening up is ****ing hard. Really ****ing hard.

I think talking to your friend is a really good idea. Honesty is key to this. It really is. When being assessed honesty works I your favour even though you may feel it will **** everything up. As a nurse you'll know that when a patient is aware and concours of their illness they can take responsibility for it.

I'm sure you've come across denial and it worries you?

I'm not saying go out there and tell the world how bad things are. I'm saying that honesty isn't as bad as it can seem.

Try and do something nice this weekend. Even if it's only an hour. Take yourself for coffee or see that friend or go for a walk and look at something beautiful.

[Eir]

Thankyou. I'll try.