Update on Steel Maiden - Page 178

crazykat · 09-03-2012, 11:55 AM

Did you want to talk more about it Oly? Thinking of you

Steel Maiden · 09-03-2012, 03:52 PM

Thank you all.

I got into a state about my revision, and then the voices started telling me I am brain damaged and that I will never be clever again, and that set me off. I don't have a reason to carry on living if I don't have my intelligence.

However I called my social worker and she helped me to calm down. I then, by her advice, went to my dad's office to say hi to people there and it helped.

I am back home now.

Steel Maiden · 09-03-2012, 05:28 PM

I have suffered the attitude of my secondary school for years: "if you don't get high marks, you're sh*t and we don't want you". I feel like I have broken free from this now. Because, I don't care! I don't care about high marks anymore! I want to stay well; whether I get 40% or 80% is irrelevant. I only need 29% to pass physiology and 35% to pass pharmacology anyhow.

NoAngel · 09-03-2012, 06:20 PM

Good for you. I also went to a school with an attitude like that. You and your health is whats important.

crazykat · 09-03-2012, 10:08 PM

Glad you reached out to your social worker. Well done and keep up with that great attitude :)

Steel Maiden · 11-03-2012, 09:05 AM

Thanks both of you. Yes, my school had a stupid attitude, and I think that they only reason why they had that attitude was so that they could keep their high position in the league tables up :/ typical.

I feel better in general, less stress. Except that I got very paranoid last night; I kept hearing "intruder" noises, and I ended up forcing myself to sleep with music playing on my speakers all night to block it out.

Ellyx · 11-03-2012, 10:08 PM

I hope you are feeling better, my school had an attitude like that too. I found it hard to cope with too.

And i understand i have a paranoia that there is a ghost in my house. All my logic says there is not but i can't help feeling scared.

Steel Maiden · 12-03-2012, 03:53 PM

Thanks Ella. Yes, schools with that attitude can be damaging. I am sorry to hear that you have that paranoia. It is a horrendous feeling.

I am getting a new infection almost every 1-2 weeks. I think there is something wrong with my immune system so I'm going to see the GP next week I hope (I get same-day appointments as for some reason there is a note on the system that says that if I call, whatever time of the day it is, I am to get an appointment on the same day with a GP).

Steel Maiden · 12-03-2012, 05:36 PM

I think my GP is a Spy.

crazykat · 13-03-2012, 09:58 AM

What makes you think that?

Steel Maiden · 13-03-2012, 03:34 PM

Sorry I was being irrational. I thought she was reading my mind by what she said on the voicemail, but now I think I know what she really meant and it wasn't reading my mind after all.

I am not making any plans for my future because I'm quite sure that no employer will ever employ me.

I am burning out. I cannot cope with direct human interaction anymore. I am dreading the carer coming tonight and I don't want to go to uni tomorrow. I cannot cope with being with people (although thankfully I can still talk to people on the phone/internet/text).

I went to the gym (it is usually almost empty at the time I went, and it was empty except for 2 people) and it helped. But now I am back home I have to face the harsh reality that I may be PhD-less and jobless for the rest of my life. I feel bad relying on my dad, Charlie and the government (ie benefits and supported housing) to live, but I am glad that they are for now, otherwise I'd be homeless because I'm too socially stupid to look after myself. I can't even call my GP or go to a bank. I am 22 for f***'s sake.

Ellyx · 13-03-2012, 05:36 PM

First of you will not be jobless for the rest of your life. You never know what might happen in the future, you may improve and many employers even if you don't will be supportive. Ok there are a fair few who arn't but you can never say for sure.

Interaction can be hard, but i would suggest what i do take a day or two off, just relax and chill until you feel better. I find doing that very refreshing and usually afterwards i feel much better.

I cannot use a phone very well either, thats something i am learning to live with, and with alot of help from friends i can now talk to people that i know well on the phone. Also there is e-mail and text you can use and is there any way you can e-mail your GP?

And you are not alone, i sometimes struggle with basic things to do with looking after myself, infact my parents could not deal with looking after me which is why i had to move out in the first place. But things do improve it just takes time.

How are you feeling today? xx

Steel Maiden · 13-03-2012, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockerchickelle

First of you will not be jobless for the rest of your life. You never know what might happen in the future, you may improve and many employers even if you don't will be supportive. Ok there are a fair few who arn't but you can never say for sure.

Interaction can be hard, but i would suggest what i do take a day or two off, just relax and chill until you feel better. I find doing that very refreshing and usually afterwards i feel much better.

I cannot use a phone very well either, thats something i am learning to live with, and with alot of help from friends i can now talk to people that i know well on the phone. Also there is e-mail and text you can use and is there any way you can e-mail your GP?

And you are not alone, i sometimes struggle with basic things to do with looking after myself, infact my parents could not deal with looking after me which is why i had to move out in the first place. But things do improve it just takes time.

How are you feeling today? xx

Hi, thank you for that very helpful post.

I texted my support worker about this and she said that the NAS (who she works for) would give me a lot of support around employment and that they have helped many people on the spectrum with getting a job. So I feel a bit better now. I will just focus on getting my BSc done first though. "One step at a time" as they say.

Unfortunately I am going to university tomorrow, but my support worker will be there so it might not be as bad as I think. Thursday I have personal training and Friday I am seeing my optometrist in Hove :/. I will try hard to get through these three days, then I will spend the weekend doing relaxing things, as you said. If the weather is nice I may go for a long walk somewhere with my headphones and music so I can zone out.

Unfortunately my GP surgery are useless with non-phone contact. They don't even have a textphone for deaf people, it's that bad. They do have a fax number but I don't have a fax machine. My friend C and I once typed a comprehensive letter to the GP surgery explaining that I'm on the autism spectrum and can't communicate on phones etc, and could I have an alternative arrangement for communication, and they never responded. The good thing is that my psych lets me email her.

Thanks. It is hard when we see people our age being so independent though. I can't even post a parcel in the post office. My analogy is it's like dyslexia and spelling; it is not something I choose not to be able to do, and it's not lack of confidence, it's an actual problem. I think that next time I have to post a parcel, I won't ask C to do it completely for me, I will ask him to take me to the post office and show me how to do it. Although I am very phobic with crowds and queues so the time will have to be tactfully chosen.

I have found supported housing has given me more independence now. I can do the food shopping and I have my own bank account now which I manage online. Most people my age would laugh at me and tell me that they could do that when they were 15 though.....

I am feeling a bit better now in terms of that I am not so depressed. But I am dreading the next three days and the carer coming around because I just want to be alone.

Gofeen · 14-03-2012, 05:18 AM

Oly, you may be 25 but I am 56 but I sm 56 snd have great difficulty with my finances. You might not realise it but you are an inspiration to to me, You do great!!!!!

crazykat · 14-03-2012, 06:12 AM

I am glad your support worker helped reassure you about the job side of things. Just take it one step at a time you will get there. I hope the next three days goes okay for you then you can have a nice relaxing weekend. I actually think your alot more independent than alot of 22 year olds I know, alot are still living at home and having their parents cook, do laundry etc for them so don't beat yourself up over it. I think you should be proud of how far you have come. It's great that you want to challenge yourself with the post office too

Steel Maiden · 14-03-2012, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gofeen

Oly, you may be 25 but I am 56 but I sm 56 snd have great difficulty with my finances. You might not realise it but you are an inspiration to to me, You do great!!!!!

Thanks. I am 22 actually, but I'm glad I inspire you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazykat

I am glad your support worker helped reassure you about the job side of things. Just take it one step at a time you will get there. I hope the next three days goes okay for you then you can have a nice relaxing weekend. I actually think your alot more independent than alot of 22 year olds I know, alot are still living at home and having their parents cook, do laundry etc for them so don't beat yourself up over it. I think you should be proud of how far you have come. It's great that you want to challenge yourself with the post office too

Thanks Kat, that was a nice post. My support worker is ill today (she texted me) so I'm not going to uni today (can't yet attend lectures on my own :/ ). At first I had a bit of a panic due to change in routine, but now I see it as a good thing, as today I can have some alone time. One step at a time is a good idea, I will do that. I am going to Hove on Friday to see my optometrist after all, so am quite nervous about that. I am glad that I am more independent than I think, I was getting very worried for a moment. Thanks, I will be very anxious at the post office, but having C there with me will help.

The weather is going to be crap today, which is annoying as I wanted to go for a walk somewhere nice.

crazykat · 15-03-2012, 11:05 AM

Hope you have some nice time at home. Also good luck for your optometrist appointment

Steel Maiden · 15-03-2012, 01:32 PM

Thanks Kat.

I got a letter from the DWP. Apparently they're asking my psych to write a report on me for my medium rate DLA application. I am going to talk to my social worker about what will be written in this report.

Steel Maiden · 15-03-2012, 03:01 PM

Am trying to distract myself from these agonising period pains. This is so painful that I've got involuntary tears coming from my eyes. I took paracetamol as it is the only over-the-counter painkiller I can take (can't take aspirin or ibuprofen due to von Willebrands and also a past stomach ulcer, and can't take codeine because it makes me go very manic).

Bellatrix · 15-03-2012, 03:11 PM

How are you with hot water bottles, Oly? I know you're sensitive to the heat though.