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Old 23-10-2019, 05:05 PM   #1781
one_step_closer
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I can sometimes answer phone calls but most of the time can't. I usually don't answer and then phone back, maybe even a few minutes later, it's much easier to return a call or initiate a call because I have more control and can decide when to do it. I saw my support worker today and she said she wasn't annoyed that I didn't answer the phone or manage to call her back quickly but that of course it would be better if I could let people know I'm ok. She said I don't have to talk to her if I want to cancel an appointment, I can just get a message passed on to her.

I haven't managed to phone the informal crisis team despite the new plan being put in place to try and make phone calls easier.

I have never specifically focused much in therapy on my relationship/worries about my brother and how to work through them but have mentioned it many times since it's a part of my daily life.

My support worker, and everyone else I have spoken too, keeps reassuring me that I won't be made to work if I'm not well enough to work but it's still hard to believe and let go of that because of past fights with securing benefits. My two main stressors in life are worrying about my brother and worrying about me being forced into something I can't manage in the future. I was talking to my support worker about how I don't even do anything and I just waste time and she was asking why I judge what I do to be a waste of time and what I want to be doing. I feel like I don't do enough but also that it's all that I can manage at the moment. I'm just very judgemental of myself, I will never be a good enough person.

I miss all my risky behaviours and good self harm. I am far too quiet now. Life feels completely wrong right now. This is not me, the person I am is supposed to be very self destructive.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-10-2019, 07:07 PM   #1782
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I'm glad you were able to let someone know you are okay. I think I get what you're saying about phone calls. Are you allowed to phone your support worker? Thinking maybe what if you made a plan with them like the first time you phone they should never answer. If you want to actually talk to them, you'll phone twice in a row so they know to pick up if they can. And if you don't phone twice then you'll either leave a voicemail on your first call or they can at least use that as an indicator that you're alive.

That's something I use with most folks. They know phones are really difficult for me. So they know if it's an emergency and they absolutely need me to answer to phone twice in a row.

Why do you think you have to be self destructive? Can there be room for other things in your life as well? Most humans are multi-faceted and have different parts and things going on in their life. Just because one part of yours might be self destruction, maybe there could be other parts too? I'm not saying necessarily that you have to give up self harm or negative things. But maybe there could be other things too that are at least more neutral, if doing positive things doesn't seem possible?



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Old 24-10-2019, 12:34 PM   #1783
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To phone my support worker or anyone from the CMHT I have to phone the health centre receptionist. I could leave a message with them if I don't want to talk to someone but then my support worker or whoever will need to phone me back at some point to arrange another appointment. My CPN knows that if I phone her for any reason I'm really not doing well because I'm so useless on the phone I have to be desperate most of the time when I make a call freely.

There are definitely other parts to me than just self destruction but I'm not doing enough self destructive stuff. It's horrible because I have huge urges but either something stops me from acting on them or when I act on them the outcome is never enough damage. And I mean that in the way that things are usually superficial, and would objectively be seen as superficial. I have lost my ability to self harm well.

I'm trying not to talk myself out of going to the gym group today but it's happening a bit. It's so hard to be around people. It's hard to convince myself to do things that other people have planned for me too. I do usually like the gym group but it feels like something I'm forced to do. I haven't been for a while either and it will be hard to get back into it and try to put on a face. I feel like I'm not allowed to be struggling any more since I've had a hospital admission and am home now, especially since I discharged myself, so people will think I must be well. I am well. I'm just an idiot. I hate myself big time.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-10-2019, 02:34 PM   #1784
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I didn't make it to the gym group. I absolutely detest myself! I am failing at everything, messing everything up completely. I came home and did some mild self harm because I'm too much of an idiot to do anything substantial. If I can't do enough damage I will just have to do frequent damage instead. I really want to die, life is such a struggle. I don't want to do this any more. I need someone but there's no one I'm able to reach out to.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-10-2019, 02:45 PM   #1785
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You're reaching out here. That counts for something I think. What would you say to someone irl different than the things you're telling us? Or what would you like to say to someone?



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Old 24-10-2019, 02:49 PM   #1786
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Thanks for your reply. I just want an actual human with me who knows me and cares. I want someone to hear me and tell me they know I'm doing the best I can and that they will be there to support me. I just need a person. I need to not be alone with all of this. I wish I didn't have to rely on phone contact to speak to someone. The only thing I miss about hospital is being able to get face to face support relatively easily. I shouldn't be allowed any support anyway since I keep missing the gym group and some appointments. I am so tired of battling myself and life every single day.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-10-2019, 03:55 PM   #1787
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I apologize if you've answered this before. Your thread is really long so I have not had a chance to read through the whole thing. Feel free to ignore.

I'm just wondering what (if anything) you are willing to either work on, challenge, or change about the way things currently are? I hear how much you are struggling. And if there aren't any steps you are wanting or willing to take I can understand that also. But I don't want to say or suggest things that you aren't open to or that won't be helpful to you.



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 24-10-2019, 06:25 PM   #1788
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I'm not sure what I am willing to do, want to do, or am able to do. Everything is too hard and terrifying. I'm not cut out for life. I don't think I can do this for much longer, I see no life solutions at all. I am trapped unless I find a way to die. I need to be brave, surely it's easier to brave death than brave this whole life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-10-2019, 07:20 PM   #1789
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There is something wrong.

I feel like wandering.

I need to do something big and risky, put myself in some proper danger.

Death.

I want to go with the men to the other world, I'm not meant to be here. I am a failure.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-10-2019, 08:46 PM   #1790
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I want to go out in the rain. I want the bravery to jump out of my bedroom window. I want to communicate with the men. I want a human, too. A kind human. I feel so alone. I need to be doing something harmful to myself. I am too quiet and still. This isn't me. My risky behaviours have died far too soon. I have grown old far too soon. Is this BPD maturing? I need help. There is no one I feel able to reach out to. I wish I could easily make phone calls and speak on the phone. People on Breathing Space don't know my background so even though using web chat is easier I don't really get much from it. I have been self harming but not well enough. I need to do a specific form of self harm that seems impossible unless done by a surgeon, it's important but I can't make it work.

Help. I need out.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-10-2019, 08:56 PM   #1791
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I'm sorry you're struggling so much, and I hear how lonely and isolating it is. I wish you had a kind human around too, you deserve one. Is there anyone you know who you could trust to arrange a coffee with, even if you don't talk about serious stuff?

It's the weekend now, what would help you to stay safe until you (hopefully) phone your CPN on Monday? I know two days must seem like an eternity but it'll pass quicker than you think. I remember you meeting with the manager from Breathing Space... (or am I mistaken?) Did you manage to come up with a way forward to help when speaking on the phone is hard?

You're lovely and deserving of a more settled life. I just wish you felt there was a way forward at the moment. But we will keep holding hope for you while it's so hard.

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Old 26-10-2019, 12:40 PM   #1792
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Hey one step closer. I am sorry things are so difficult, I am hoping that things will improve for you soon. I'm thinking of you. I'm rubbish with words but I care I just wanted u to know that

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Old 26-10-2019, 06:14 PM   #1793
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Thank you both.

I don't think I can be with anyone right now, not that there is anyone really. Most of my contacts are health professionals.

It was the informal crisis team who I met with to come up with a plan to make phone calls a bit easier but it hasn't made them easier at all. I phoned today and hung up as usual.

I can't do life any more. I am particularly pointless and in too much pain. I am a ball of emotional agony, a burden to the world.

I got a letter through about a smear test which has distressed me further. I've been doing some bashing and head hitting. I can hardly keep myself occupied. I wanted to stand out in the rain but didn't. I should have went out in the afternoon but I felt like I couldn't be bothered. I just need to die. Life is too hard for me. I wish I could self harm better for a bit more relief. My head is sore but I want cuts. I want to have the energy and ability to do the risky things I need to do.

I am so terrified about being trapped here.

There's no point phoning my CPN on Monday because I'm seeing her on Thursday anyway and I likely couldn't explain anything over the phone, or probably in person too. I am alone. Why can't it be easier to access support? People think it's easy because there are people at the end of the phone but...I can't do phone calls. I could try and phone the informal crisis team and ask if they would visit me, I'm allowed to do that, but if they even had time I'd end up not knowing what to say and they'd say I'd wasted their time. They're probably too busy now anyway since it's the evening.

There is no real solution in life. There is no real pain relief.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-10-2019, 10:44 PM   #1794
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No solutions here but agree with you about it being difficult to contact mh professionals I think emailing should b allowed apparently it can't coz they might not get to it in time. Emotional pain sucks sending u hugs

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Old 28-10-2019, 01:23 PM   #1795
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Thanks.

I was meant to go to a walking group today but I failed unsurprisingly. It starts at 11am and I just want to get on with my day and don't know how to occupy myself when I have to wait for things to start. That's a big reason why it's hard to get to the gym group because it starts at 1pm. I probably would have had time to go on the bus somewhere today and then been back for the walking group but I left it too late and went on the bus and then was back about 11.20am. Maybe I can remember that for next week. There's nothing to occupy myself with in general, I go to the same places just to shop usually. All I seem to want to do is eat and spend money. I can't keep my mind focused on anything and I don't enjoy anything. It's so hard to get through each day. I can't think of any way to change things, I really have absolutely no idea what to do. I worry a lot that any changes I make will just make things worse for me because they can't get better. I thought about asking to meet up with one of the people from the gym group but I'm not going to ask her because I will end up letting her down. I am one huge let down. Life is torture and it can only get worse.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-10-2019, 07:20 PM   #1796
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I have to find my bravery and kill myself. There really is no way that life could be better but it could become so much worse.

I'm seeing my CPN on Thursday and I'm trying to hold on for that because I really appreciate my appointments with her, but nothing positive will come of it because there can't be any real good in my life.

How do people work in MH services for a long time? It's so distressing, they must be extra strong. I'm glad there are extra strong people in the world or there would be no MH services. I need to properly acknowledge what people do for me and others, let them know that they are amazing and are valued. I've already given cards to my CPN and the ward manager and other people. I don't know how to convey my thanks and respect to them adequately. They are normal humans and they do a huge job.

I should probably be wandering now more that it's darker earlier. The men are giving me no guidance. I am too safe and it will be making everyone else unsafe.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-10-2019, 04:16 PM   #1797
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I was just out and there was a woman shouting at another woman who was away down the street from her. Everyone was hiding in shop doorways listening to them. I went into the post office and they were still shouting when I came out. I feel really sad because one of the woman had her little boy with her and I'm worried about what kind of life he has. I worry about what kind of life the Mum has too. There are just so many vulnerable people around and I don't know what to do about it. I know that this argument wasn't my fault and that I probably couldn't have done anything about it since it would have been stupid to say something to them or whatever but how can I just walk away from all the pain in the world? I can't help anyone. I know I do the small things I can and I recognise them, things like trying to support people here, donating to the food bank weekly, using Amazon Smile so they will donate to the air ambulance, but what about all the other things I'm not doing? I really don't care whose responsibility it is, I should be able to prevent bad things from happening to everyone. Well, maybe not everyone but if I was hurting myself better and if I had proper communication from the men then other people would have better lives. I really shouldn't be taking the Aripiprazole but I can't even do what the men tell me most of the time. I am a failure. I am sorry.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-10-2019, 07:22 PM   #1798
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*Sits with you*. I'm sorry I don't have many words right now, but I'm thinking of you, hoping you can get some rest this evening.

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Old 30-10-2019, 10:35 AM   #1799
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Thank you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-10-2019, 06:34 PM   #1800
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How are you feeling today? Do you have any thoughts about what you might say to your CPN tomorrow? I hope she listens and is able to get how desperate things are.

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