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Old 23-06-2019, 07:39 PM   #1361
one_step_closer
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I seriously don't know what to do. There is absolutely no life solution. Appointments won't help, crisis team input won't help, hospital won't help, there are likely no helpful meds for me, therapy hasn't helped. I am absolutely doomed. I wish someone could help me die peacefully. I am even terrible at suicide.

The one thing I keep thinking about doing, to hurt myself and to feed the dogs, probably wouldn't be a solution either because I'd have no control over the damage and I don't want to end up alive and in a physical mess.

I've tried phoning crisis and Breathing Space but I hung up. I'm seeing my support worker from the CMHT tomorrow but I won't be able to explain anything and I feel like she belittles everything I say anyway. I have an appointment with my CPN on Tuesday but there is nothing she can do. It's scary to have no solution and just have to continue breathing. I want someone to help me die. It doesn't matter if there would have been a point in the future where I would have felt ok but obviously then couldn't feel it because I was dead. It's fine. I don't want to wait for that. I need out now. I need out in one piece so I don't add any additional burdens to my brother's life or my life. What the hell am I supposed to do?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-06-2019, 08:14 PM   #1362
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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I have no words but I can relate and you're not alone in how you're feeling sweetheart, but I promise there is always hope.







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Old 23-06-2019, 10:01 PM   #1363
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I was just wondering, have you ever wrote how you feel to your CPN? I did that once and it really helped me get my points accross.







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Old 24-06-2019, 03:14 PM   #1364
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Thanks.

Yeah, I sometimes write things and give them to my CPN but I don't know how much I even manage to communicate that way.

I saw my support worker this morning and now I feel worse. When I'm suicidal I don't need to be told that it's my responsibility to keep myself safe. If I don't want to be safe then I don't have to be safe, and I wasn't trying to pass on any responsibility. It's hard being responsible for this huge mess of a being that I am. I don't know what I do need, other than someone to recognise my pain, but I know the things I don't need. She didn't hear at all that I don't want to do this any more, that there are no life options.

I'm hoping my CPN will be more responsive. I know no one can help me to die and that they all focus on life things and I know there are no life things that will help but I just want my CPN to hear me. It seems wrong to kill myself the day before an appointment with my CPN, but like I'll even be able to kill myself anyway. I'm absolutely trapped. I have no idea what to do other than I am going to have to just attempt suicide and accept whatever consequences there are if I don't die. I sound pathetic. I can't communicate my pain. I know I just look like a complaining idiot. But I am desperate. I need out.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-06-2019, 03:31 PM   #1365
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You don't sound pathetic, you sound desperate, and I can completely understand why. I think you need a full blown CPA to really get people to put their heads together and think about all the options available and if anything is worth another try, or if anything new is available. Just because you've tried therapy once or different medications doesn't mean they're not options worth looking at again. I also think you deserve a clear answer any whether crisis admissions are still a thing and a clear route to accessing them given that when things are really bad, everything seems hopeless and is hard to imagine anything will help.

Sorry if that sounds blunt and I know that's all something that will be incredibly difficult to ask for, but I feel you deserve some deeper exploration from your team. Definitely not trying to imply it's your responsibility, quite the opposite. If there's a reason therapy/medication/etc isn't for now, what do they think would need to change for those things to become reasonable? How can they help you with those changes? (Rhetorical questions, not ones for you to have to answer).

Sending love.

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Old 24-06-2019, 05:29 PM   #1366
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soft Kitty View Post
You don't sound pathetic, you sound desperate, and I can completely understand why. I think you need a full blown CPA to really get people to put their heads together and think about all the options available and if anything is worth another try, or if anything new is available. Just because you've tried therapy once or different medications doesn't mean they're not options worth looking at again. I also think you deserve a clear answer any whether crisis admissions are still a thing and a clear route to accessing them given that when things are really bad, everything seems hopeless and is hard to imagine anything will help.

Couldn't agree more.







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Old 24-06-2019, 07:38 PM   #1367
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Thanks.

I really don't see the point in asking for any kind of review. People put forward what ideas they think would be useful anyway and also tell me that I need to be doing what I want to do but there's nothing in life I want.

I have written something for my CPN anyway. It basically just says please help me die in various forms.

Chester Bennington is dead. Once a person now we're left with an empty space. He was hurting. He succeeded at suicide. Life can end. The world can end.

Give me something sharp enough to open myself up with and I'll bleed to death. Or do the cutting for me. I can't be trapped in this. Help me die, please. I have had enough.

I really don't want anyone to 'save' me by trying to keep me alive. I need someone to help me die. No one will believe this. I can't communicate my pain.

But it's up to me to end it. And I'm going to have to take that responsibility. And to end it I will need to cause trauma to other people which I don't want to do but I can't think of a surer suicide method and I can't wait until night time. I'm not going to do anything today anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-06-2019, 07:53 PM   #1368
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Could you tell your CPN you're actively suicidal with a plan? I feel like she really needs to know that.

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Old 24-06-2019, 08:18 PM   #1369
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I agree, could you write in the note/letter you are planning something? That's something she does need to know quite urgently.







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Old 24-06-2019, 08:48 PM   #1370
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I agree with the others, you need to tell your person this.

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Old 25-06-2019, 03:35 PM   #1371
one_step_closer
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Thanks.

Might be going into hospital at some point this week. There are no beds at the moment.

Tired, tired, tired.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-06-2019, 04:14 PM   #1372
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I'm glad they're looking for a bed.

Would having a nap help?

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Old 25-06-2019, 06:37 PM   #1373
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I'm glad to hear from you today, how did it go, was your CPN supportive?
How you feeling re addmission?
x







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Old 25-06-2019, 06:39 PM   #1374
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Napping isn't something I'm able to do. Plus I don't want to mess up my sleep.

Every second is unbearable. I'm seeing my CPN again tomorrow morning but there is so much time to get through, and the appointment will be pointless. If there is even going to be a bed my CPN thinks it won't be until the end of the week. So either a really long wait or it will never happen. Even if there is a bed someone else will be more important than me. I wish a bed would become available quickly. It's hard to keep going. I don't want to continue this fight yet here I am. I am trapped.

Just listening to the clock ticking. This time is too much. A whole lifetime is too much. I don't want it.

There were points where I felt like walking away this morning rather than waiting for my appointment. There is just so much waiting. So, so much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-06-2019, 06:46 PM   #1375
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Understand the napping situation.

I'm hopeful the bed will happen and I'm really glad you got to the appointment and waited it out that shows a lot of courage and you should be proud of yourself as hard as that is right now.

Are you safe tonight?







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Old 25-06-2019, 07:06 PM   #1376
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Waiting can be so so frustrating. Although it is not a solution I find having something to do with my hands e.g a fidget spinner or something can help reign the anxiety etc in just enough to wait it out forever I'm waiting for. Sorry not much other advice right now. Thinking of you though lovely.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 25-06-2019, 08:00 PM   #1377
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I hope that you get the bed as soon as possible. Take gentle care of yourself. You are worth it, even if you don't feel it right now.

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Old 25-06-2019, 08:17 PM   #1378
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*Sits with you*. I hope they find you a bed soon. Xx

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Old 26-06-2019, 03:27 PM   #1379
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Thanks everyone.

It's hard to just keep going but I don't really have much choice. I'm finding it difficult to keep myself occupied, things are either too stimulating or not stimulating enough, or too hard to focus on, or make me anxious, etc.

I saw my CPN today and there are still no beds, she's off next week and has planned for another nurse to continue with the calls to see about the bed situation. I'm really hoping I don't have to get through the weekend at home. Although hospital will probably be extra shit too, I'll just be transferring myself to another environment. There is no way to win. My CPN said I'm definitely getting a bed anyway.

I managed to go to Tesco for cat stuff. Also had to get some small junk food type things because I keep making simple meals/toast/cereal and then just chucking them in the bin. I don't really want to be eating junk but my CPN said to try that rather than eating nothing. I'm glad there are self service checkouts at Tesco so I wasn't judged for my unhealthy purchases.

A cat sitting lady should be able to check in on my cats but at the moment my neighbours seem to be away and they have my spare key. I'm not keen on leaving my cats, they are quite clingy and needy with just me rather than other people. I hope they will be ok. Also my house isn't the cleanest at the moment so it will be embarrassing having someone come in, but maybe I can slowly work through cleaning stuff.

This life is seriously pointless. I will likely get through this crisis point but every day is such a struggle anyway and then the crisis points come back. There is no way out.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-06-2019, 08:28 AM   #1380
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Sorry, it's taken me so long to reply to this - how are you feeling today?

Going to Tesco is a huge accomplishment and I'm proud. I can understand the fears of leaving your cat(s) but cats are pretty resilient and independent - of course they'll miss you but I'm pretty sure they will be OK and you can look forward to lots of cat cuddles when you're out and hopefully feeling a bit better.

x







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