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Old 29-05-2019, 07:41 PM   #1321
one_step_closer
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The rain makes me want to wander, wander, wander. In my wandering I sometimes hope that people can see I'm struggling and help me but of course they don't. I am alone.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-05-2019, 07:43 PM   #1322
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I can't look after the cats properly. They are overweight and not properly treated for fleas. Someone else needs to look after them. The cuddles and strokes they get from me aren't enough.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-05-2019, 08:01 PM   #1323
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Relief.

I went to the gym group and the fire person was there as part of a community event. I said hi to her and it took her a bit of time to recognise me. She said she's in the process of replying to my email but she's been off. She said it made her day. I'm so hugely relieved. I acted stupidly as always and probably rudely stopped talking saying I was going to get changed.

I also had an appointment with my CPN which felt ok. I kind of managed to explain things. The followers started screaming in the corners which made me more anxious so I got out the corner protector. My CPN wants to see if my support worker can get me involved in more things since some of the feelings of being unreal might be due to lack of contact with people (today is the first day I've had proper contact with people this week).

When I was walking to the leisure centre I walked past a woman with two dogs. Just as I passed her she said "are you alright?" and then repeated it. It sounded like she was talking to me not the dogs but I kept walking. What sort of a freak do I look like?

I'm so tired of fighting life and fighting myself and my emotions.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-05-2019, 01:25 PM   #1324
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Lack of contact with the world can certainly have an effect on our mental health. How do you feel about your support worker helping you to become involved in more things?

How are you doing today?

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Old 31-05-2019, 02:24 PM   #1325
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Thanks.

I find it difficult to be around my support worker from the CMHT and don't feel comfortable a lot of the time but that's all down to me and nothing to do with her so I don't want to say anything. There are only two support workers in the CMHT and I'm scared of the other one too. My key worker from a voluntary organisation is great but she's not working much now so only sees me for reviews. There are other people in the organisation who could support me to do things but my CPN will want to focus on me doing things with the worker from the CMHT. I'm all for trying things, it's just difficult when it's hard to be around the person who is supporting me.

I am actually feeling quite lonely today, maybe just recognising that. I have to stay in for someone coming to remove my aerial from my roof this afternoon and there aren't really people I could properly be around anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-05-2019, 07:19 PM   #1326
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I feel like the dogs are waiting for my future flesh again. I can't hear them or see them yet though. I could have spoken to my key worker because she just phoned about arranging some gardening and fire station support but phone calls make me feel more disconnected. Kind of wanting to go for a walk but I'm scared of changing my evening routine in case I go backwards with my sleeping pattern.

Waiting for the men. It's fine. This is what is supposed to happen and I want it to happen and this is what is true to my being.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-05-2019, 08:03 PM   #1327
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What do the men do?

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Old 31-05-2019, 09:33 PM   #1328
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Maybe it would be better to go for a walk when you're feeling safer? It might be better to stay in tonight and try and have a cosy evening. You do deserve to be kind to yourself. I appreciate it's really hard, though. Loneliness can feel very painful.

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Old 01-06-2019, 01:33 PM   #1329
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Thank you.

The men usually tell me what is best to do to protect other people or to get me closer to the other world. The dogs are part of the other world and they are waiting to eat whatever parts of me I manage to dematerialise. It's kind of hard to explain.

It's hard to occupy myself. I go to the same places on the bus lots of times and I don't really have many tasks to do at the moment. When it gets to the evening I feel trapped inside because sometimes I will wash my hair/have a shower after dinner and then I can't go out because it's wet and I don't blow dry it, but more importantly I worry about going out in the evening and changing my routine which might make my sleeping pattern go back to the mess it was before. I need to stay away from that mess because it was horrible and made me extra suicidal.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-06-2019, 06:24 PM   #1330
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I want to lie down and just die. This needs to be over. I feel completely awful. I've got the whole evening to pass and then have the struggle of getting to sleep.

I wish I would disappear. I'm not really actively trying though. I'm getting nowhere. The dogs await their feed. I'm too tired to even try to ask for help. Help isn't easily accessible to me. There's no point trying to phone the informal crisis team because I'll hang up and I don't want telephone contact anyway. I need a person here with me.

Someone please even just sit with me.

I need a person.

I need comfort.

There is no one.

I hope I can end this soon.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-06-2019, 08:06 PM   #1331
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I'm here for you. I'll listen to anything u need to say. I'm sitting with you and giving you a virtual hug. Hang in there. You can do it.



I am still me no matter what SIZEor shape I am!

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Old 01-06-2019, 09:13 PM   #1332
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*sits with you* I know it's not the same and I'm not great at answers but I am reading.

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Old 03-06-2019, 07:28 PM   #1333
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Thanks.

I keep feeling like it's important to tell someone about the dogs, the police specifically, but I told my key worker today and she didn't take any action so I guess it's not important. I didn't really manage to explain how things have been, the right words often seem impossible to form straight from my head. I should maybe write things for people again but that doesn't always get the point across correctly either.

I still haven't properly fed the dogs. The men will be angry soon. Why do I feel like I lack the energy to do important self destructive things? I did some bashing but I need better damage. I should cut because of all the evil things I've done. I need to find the energy. I must do it for everyone I have badly affected.

How can people even give me appointments? In what form do I exist? I exist too much. The fact that the men have sent the dogs again reinforces that I am too much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-06-2019, 07:46 PM   #1334
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You're not evil, you are a wonderful human who needs and deserves support. Sorry your key worker wasn't helpful. I suppose when people don't experience the same as us it can feel like they don't take it seriously.

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Old 04-06-2019, 05:30 PM   #1335
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Thanks.

I trust my key worker so it's fine that she wasn't concerned about the dogs, I know she doesn't understand anyway because these things can't be put into humanly understandable words. Once she starts uni she won't be my key worker any more because she will only be working on the crisis team. She said I'm likely to be passed on to the worker who takes the gym group which I have mixed feelings about. Everyone good leaves my life. I'm so worried about when my CPN will disappear too.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-06-2019, 07:08 PM   #1336
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I don't want to continue breathing. There's nothing immediately stressful going on in my life right now but I am so done with being alive. The fighting. I don't want this. Over and over again. Day after day. I have had enough. Nothing will improve my mood because I have tried so many things. It's hopeless.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-06-2019, 08:20 PM   #1337
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Can you remember a time when you felt hope?

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Old 06-06-2019, 12:31 PM   #1338
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I totally get the feeling of hopelessness especially when you've tried so many things. Have you had moments of happiness or relief? Maybe you can focus on those and realize that they can happen again. I know it sounds like I'm preaching to the choir because I feel so hopeless myself and yet sometimes remembering that I've had good days gets me through the bad. Hopefully, you can remember times when it has been better and look forward to that happening again. Because it can as long as you allow it



I am still me no matter what SIZEor shape I am!

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Old 11-06-2019, 07:16 PM   #1339
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Thanks.

There are definitely some neutral moments, and some ok times, it's just hard to tell myself to hold on for them because they are very small and the painful stuff is so huge and consuming. I would sometimes consider things are alright for me but things are awful for my brother so that doesn't allow me to feel ok about things.

I saw a thing on Fb that said 'I wonder how many strangers hate me because of how someone else described me to them' and I reposted it with 'I wonder how many professionals who have never met me hate me based on judgemental notes written by professionals who hate me.' It's sad to think of all that stuff. When I go in the cupboard in my bedroom for something I see the piles of inpatient notes I have and start to panic a bit and get upset. My psychiatrist said something would be done if I shared examples of wrong notes but then he didn't even show them to his boss, he just said they were 'unkind' but not something to be taken further.

I watched 999 What's Your Emergency last night and it was about police cuts and how they're having to deal with things that social care or the ambulance service should be dealing with. It made me feel ashamed about the times the police have dealt with my MH stuff. They must really hate me. It's scary because most services are being cut now, will there be nothing in the future? I'll be left alone.

I won't be allowed to go through my whole life without getting a job. It's scary that I'll have to make sure I get suicide right. Life is painful right now but there isn't anything huge going on that makes suicide a must and a priority. I am suicidal but I don't have faith in my ability to get suicide right, and I will have to get it right at some point. I'm terrified of being trapped in life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-06-2019, 09:58 PM   #1340
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*hugs* things being **** now, or even a lot of the time, doesn't mean you can't have more good times in the future. You are precious and loveable.

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