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Old 22-03-2019, 04:06 PM   #1201
one_step_closer
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Thank you both.

I'm more concerned with my own actions than the actions of the men. I honestly don't care if they are about for the rest of my life, I just want everyone else to be ok. And my brother is having a hard time. I text him and asked if anything was new with him and he said nothing good. I said did he want to mention anything neutral or bad and he said there are lots of bad things he would rather not mention.

Stop all this pain!

I am useless and I feel alone. How must my brother feel? I'm not sure if he really has many supportive people in his life.

I seriously just want to die. This is absolute torture, life. I have an appointment with the new locum psychiatrist on 1st April. Psychiatry appointments scare me because they feel like the most pressured kind of appointments. I don't think my CPN will be coming with me this time because it will be on her first day back at work after a holiday. I want to be allowed to just try and manage things rather than everyone expecting progress all the time but even just trying to manage is hard. It hurts and I don't want to hurt any more.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-03-2019, 07:20 PM   #1202
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I feel close to breaking down but there is so much coming up. I'm worried about the corner protector because not all corners are right angles.

I don't know how accessible the button to delete me is, to me, but if someone else can access it then they have my permission to press it.

I need more support in my life, support that I am easily and regularly able to access. But people will want to reduce my support. Resources are limited and I really should free them for more worthy people. But I hurt so much on my own.

I guess my death will have to be my responsibility.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-03-2019, 07:41 PM   #1203
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You are not useless. Try to hold on for the psychiatrist appointment, and I'm sure your CPN will try to be there if she can.

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Old 22-03-2019, 07:48 PM   #1204
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Has your CPN given you indication that support might be reduced? Might it be a conversation worth having with her as it sounds like she's someone you trust? You're very worthy of support, if it's helping in any way that seems like a good reason to continue with it.

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Old 22-03-2019, 08:09 PM   #1205
one_step_closer
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Thank you both.

Part of me thinks it might be good to see this new psychiatrist and to see him on my own because he might have new ideas about how to help me. On the other hand he might just ask the basic questions about mood, sleep, appetite, etc. I especially wish something could be done med wise.

I said to my CPN that I worry about when she will move on. She said she's not thinking of moving on right now but asked if I could see myself without a nurse. The goal of most professionals I think is to get me to a point where I have little professional support, which I understand but I worry that I won't ever be ready for that.

I don't know what to do. I want this all to end. I can't keep battling through every day, battling through my pain and my brother's pain and the world's pain. There is no escape other than through death.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-03-2019, 08:16 PM   #1206
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Psychiatrists are there for meds, ask for a med review.

Many people stay with the CMHT long term due to the nature of their illness, you are likely one of them. And that's ok.

The feeling of no escape is so tough, I know.

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Old 22-03-2019, 09:21 PM   #1207
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I agree with Katie. It's okay if you're not ready, and I hope it's okay if you're never ready and need to stay in services (though I hope you do feel ready one day, simply because you would feel better and not be so worried about things, if that makes sense). I really relate to the fear of being discharged, it's something I worry about too. Not sure if you've kind of grown up with services like I have, but I think if you've been in treatment a long time, it's natural for it to feel really scary to imagine it not being there any more.

I hope the psychiatrist can offer something medication-wise. I do strongly think it's worth trying new things.

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Old 23-03-2019, 07:36 PM   #1208
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*also makes small noise here*

Don't have words. Just, help.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-03-2019, 08:13 PM   #1209
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Anything we can do, Lindsay?

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Old 23-03-2019, 08:40 PM   #1210
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*Sends love* we are here.

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Old 24-03-2019, 01:54 PM   #1211
one_step_closer
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Thank you both.

I feel like things are so much worse than usual. Mostly because I'm really concerned about my brother and what he might be going through. If this was just my traumatic life then that would be absolutely ok. There's nothing I can do for him and I don't know if he is doing anything for himself. I've been much more suicidal recently and not sleeping very well and feeling desperately hopeless. Because I can't control what my brother goes through. I know he's not my responsibility and I know people are supposed to try and let go of things they don't have power over but I just think about him being miserable and why should I try and help myself if he is feeling bad?

The future will definitely also have to involve me coming off benefits. I don't think I could cope with work, I would live on the streets but I'm so stupidly selfish that I wouldn't want to be cold and hungry. I keep panicking because there is no solution other than suicide and right now I am holding on but I don't want to continue holding on when the bad future arrives. What if I can't kill myself though? I'm so scared and depressed. I can't find a form of self harm that is enough to slightly help any more. I have nothing but I also have nothing immediately bad going on so I am a whiney idiot.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-03-2019, 05:30 PM   #1212
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It sounds really difficult at the moment. If your brother was doing okay, do you have a sense of what you might to do help yourself feel better? It must be overwhelming to feel that you have to be responsible for him, even knowing that logically you're not.

I can relate to the fear of coming off benefits and having to work and having to cope with that. There's a lot of stress around, with benefits being assessed unfairly and I think it's totally understandable that you feel like that. I do think though that, at present, it would be really super hard for anyone to support the idea of you being well enough to go back to work. If things do change and improve, you are likely to feel stronger and more able to cope with that and would hopefully be supported to return to work slowly, part-time. Maybe you can work on a contingency plan for reassurance with your CPN?

I can also relate to feeling as though the end result is suicide, though for me this is less distressing and immediate. I wonder what would help now? Maybe increased input from your CPN or crisis team while you're feeling so suicidal? I really hope the psychiatrist can offer something too.

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Old 24-03-2019, 07:09 PM   #1213
one_step_closer
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Thank you.

If my brother was doing ok, I would be better and would accept whatever rubbish is thrown at me. I don't think I'd do anything additional for myself but if I had some points where I felt ok or interested in something or cared about etc I would be less likely to hate myself for allowing those things. If my brother feels bad then I should also feel bad, but I wouldn't want my brother to feel like he has to feel bad if I feel bad. I think I would actually be really annoyed if he was as obsessive about me as I am about him, I'd be hugely pissed off and want him to leave me alone and get on with his life. It would feel like pressure. But, it's just hard to let go.

I have had to fight for my benefits in the past, even when I was in and out of hospital lots. Someone I know just got refused ESA because her fingernails were clean. Although I know there would have been other factors involved too. I don't even know how I'd gradually get into work, even tiny things seem to be too much for me. All the people stuff and the changing routine, and things that people think will take my mind off how I'm feeling actually are just put on top of it so I feel extra stressed and distressed. I am a pointless human being.

Suicide only distresses me in my worry that I won't be able to do it or won't get it right. It's hard to push past the natural physical anxiety that the suicide method I have chosen leads to. There's no point in anyone supporting me because I'm likely to be safe anyway so it would be a waste of resources. My CPN is off for the next week but did say I can talk to the nurses in the CMHT who I know or speak to crisis to arrange a visit but I don't really feel able to ask for that what with making phone calls and stuff. They'd probably want me to have regular calls from the informal crisis team and that stresses me out big time.

My support worker is coming to my house tomorrow to guard me from my neighbours as I clean my windows. I don't feel able to talk to her, I don't get whatever responses I need when I talk to her. I've got a busier time than usual ahead, I have a recovery conference thing on Wednesday, gym group Thursday, library event Saturday, psychiatrist the following Monday, maybe a stress control class on the Tuesday. Plus I'm going to see Matilda the musical next month and I really actually just don't want to. I want to further break apart and die.

And there are messages in the wind, from the men, but I'm too lazy to focus on them. I'm too lazy to do one form of self harm that takes a little less effort too. I'm just tired.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-03-2019, 08:01 PM   #1214
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I'm glad that you have some contact with your support worker. What's happening with your neighbours?

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Old 25-03-2019, 03:45 PM   #1215
one_step_closer
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Nothing is going on with my neighbours, really. It's just that I don't like to do things that involve being outside of my house and in view of any neighbours for a lengthy period of time. I know they are watching and judging. My next door neighbour just stuck her head out of her window at the last minute so that wasn't too bad. Right now her husband is in my back garden fixing part of my fence that got broken in the storm. They are kind but I don't know if they think I just expect them to do this stuff. I'm grateful but would sort it out myself. The guy is in his 70s and he has diabetes and it worries me that he's pushing himself unnecessarily. I can hear him outside now and it's making me anxious, reminding me of my Dad and I am very afraid that he is going to get hurt or unwell and they'll hold it against me. I don't even know how to properly thank him. I sort of wish they'd just let me deal with things myself or choose not to deal with them. They have high expectations about what I should be like. I'm thinking about going into a different room while he's working because I'm just so anxious with the noises he's making and my worry about him. But then if something happened to him he might be there for a while without help.

I am lazy and life is too hard and too scary for me. How is anyone supposed to live while they are terrified of so much?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-03-2019, 07:22 PM   #1216
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I've just realised when I was cleaning my windows with my support worker I had to ask her for confirmation of every little thing like - should I lock the door..? I feel like I can't do normal adult things but I am an adult so I'm expected to. She's going to come with me to the jewellers in a couple of weeks because I couldn't even go in there because of the clothes the people were wearing. Today I passed the jewellers and the door makes a sound when people open it which has freaked me out even more. Life is too much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-03-2019, 07:25 PM   #1217
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But isn't it good that you have people to help you with the difficult stuff?

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Old 25-03-2019, 07:27 PM   #1218
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It does all sound terribly painful. I can very much relate to bits of what you say. Things can feel very raw, and I wish I had a helpful answer about how to live with so much terror.

I would want to encourage you still to phone the CMHT and remind you that it's okay to do that, though I really appreciate the difficulties as well. Do you ever write to your CPN when she's not there? You could write to her as if she's there, and then decide just to keep the letter(s) for yourself, maybe post them to the CMHT (though that might increase your anxiety potentially) or keep them to show her at your next appointment?

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Old 25-03-2019, 07:45 PM   #1219
one_step_closer
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I am very grateful I have people to help me with difficult things. I just feel like it's wrong that I'm an adult, although I'm sure lots of people don't feel like proper adults.

I write in my diary every day and sometimes copy things out to give to my CPN when I see her. Sometimes it helps her understand and other times it doesn't and it feels like a bit of a waste of time her reading over stuff during the appointment. I wouldn't like to give her anything in advance to read because that's asking her to do extra work. Sadly, I talk to her in my head a lot. I annoy myself with that at times.

I would possibly get in touch with the CMHT or informal crisis team if I wasn't so anxious on the phone, but my support worker has been today anyway so it might look like I was asking for more support than I deserve.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-03-2019, 07:52 PM   #1220
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"Proper adults" still need and have help with lots of things though. I didn't mean to imply you were being ungrateful. I just meant that help is given in all sorts of ways and other adults do need help with more things than is apparent sometimes.

I also have conversations with people in my head. It's a way of organising thoughts, I think.

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