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Old 27-01-2020, 01:07 AM   #1
Pomegranate
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Out of control self harm

Iím trying to find reason for it. But there is none. Iím not sad or depressed or manic. Iím not even Ďdoneí. But Iím scared. My self harm has recently reached the point of surgery and anaemia and I ODíd and was in HDU to try and avoid it. I donít know what to do. I donít have a CC. Iím in the middle of a formal complaint about lack of CC and CMHT support. Iím not suicidal. I have hopes and dreams but my self harm compulsions are stronger and I donít know what to do or how much more my body can take. Literally. My HB levels are almost half what they were until I started selfharming again three weeks ago. I donít know what to do. Normally I can be months between incidences and was a decade between OD. I donít want to die but it now feels inevitable and I donít know what to do.





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Old 27-01-2020, 05:06 AM   #2
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I used to self harm a lot more frequently and the one thing that actually helped was not being mad at myself. For me it helps me feel something other than numb. But then i would get into the spiral of self hatred and I would self harm again. When I tried to accept I was doing it as an unhealthy coping mechanism it helped a lot. Sending good vibes your way. Life can be tough but I think you are tougher.

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Old 27-01-2020, 01:16 PM   #3
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That sounds really, really scary. There probably is a reason that things have reached this point but it's very difficult to always identify it on your own. It's absolutely ridiculous that you're not receiving proper (or any?) support when it's clearly needed. Is it possible to be under the crisis team or in hospital to try and reduce risk ana work through what's actually underlying everything at the moment?

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Old 27-01-2020, 02:37 PM   #4
one_step_closer
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I'm sorry you're going through such a scary time. Did the hospital not refer you on to anyone when you've been treated there? Can you think of what you might need to help you stay safe and work through this, even if it's something that you don't think is available right now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old Yesterday, 01:51 AM   #5
Pomegranate
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Thank you for the replies. Hospital 5.2 but was taken off because MH said I had capacity, which I do. I know what I’m doing but that doesn’t make the compulsions any less scary. I saw a psych nurse today and they’re having a meeting about my care tomorrow. I’m supposed to be seeing a psychologist but I’m not finding it remotely helpful. I did find a CC helpful- I’d been out of IP for two years, irregular self harm, working and studying and volunteering etc. Struggling with compulsions tonight. A lot. And GP reissued my OD meds’ today too. Tbh not sure why cos they’re not due. I requested them and they agreed. It’s my responsibility, I know that but it did surprise me.





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Old Yesterday, 09:58 AM   #6
one_step_closer
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People are really not sounding understanding of your issues or needs, I'm so sorry. Do you have any non-professional support in your life?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old Yesterday, 05:12 PM   #7
Pomegranate
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Thanks Lindsey. I do but only one person knows what’s been going on. Psychology appt was cancelled today- guessing she’s off sick. Was expecting a call from the nurse I saw yesterday with the meeting outcome and plan moving forward but she finishes at 4 so I’m guessing it won’t be today now. I have a friend staying tonight which I would usually be looking forward to but I’m resentful of because it means I can’t self harm and whilst that’s also a good thing, it’s making me more anxious. It also means me and the house need to be clean and tidy and I just have no energy physically, prob due to the anaemia. And I need to see my dad on the way to going out with my friend too and it’s all just too much. I need the CMHT to work with me to come up with a plan, sooner rather than later.





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