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Forgiveness, Fathers, Fears and my Future.
I could probably fill a book with my story- my sixteen years of life, the things I've thought, done, heard, seen, felt.
But tonight, I have realized something very important, that has ultimately changed my life in a way I thought would never be possible.
My uncle has cancer and my father drove up today from southern California to see him and me, and my older sister and her one year-old daughter. My father and I haven't gotten along much in the past four or five years, and I've held a lot of grudges against him. I've claimed he doesn't love me. That he hates me, wants me dead, doesn't care about me... I've said a lot of nasty things and to and about my father.
And while he was a jerk, and horribly insensitive and mean, he also has tried so hard to be a part of my life. It's not my fault my parents divorced while I was still a tot, but it IS my fault that I chose for so long to try to make myself hate him.
People make mistakes.
I've mad a lot of them.
And so has my father.
He's been through a lot in his life, and seen a lot of things I'll never be able to comprehend. And just as I was going through a hard time in my life, he was going through a hard time in his.
Recently we've been talking a bit and have been on better terms, but I've felt like it was a hassle to talk to him and have him always calling.
But today, when I saw him, and he picked me up like I was his little four year old girl again- I lost all control of my emotions. I was so frustrated, mad, confused, lost, happy, ecstatic. Everything you could possibly imagine, I was feeling.
I stood there for a good five minutes just crying into his shoulder and hugging him like he was going to evaporate.
And he came inside and he sat on my bed and he held me and I just cried and told him everything. Absolutely everything.
Every fear, every worry, every mistake I feel I've made, every little detail I've left out in the past four years. For some reason, I felt like in that moment of seeing him, I could just be honest. I trusted him, I wanted to hug him and just sink my head into his chest because he always smells the same.
And he started crying a bit too, and told me "I will always love you. Nothing you could do would ever make me stop loving you."
Such few words mean so much to me. I told him I'm sorry for making him the bad guy, for being selfish and mean and callous. Because I needed someone to blame for so long, I needed a scapegoat. But now, I realize, I just need my daddy. Having my dad tell me that he'll love me no matter what, and unconditionally, just for being me is probably the best feeling I have ever had.
I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel like my seven months of being SI-free are worth something, like they have a purpose. And I feel like I can go the rest of my life without it because I don't have a reason to do it.
My future is going to a hopeful one. I have dreams and I have passions and for all the fire in Hell, I'm running with it and not stopping until I get to where I'm going.
And I'll figure that out along the way, sometime & somewhere.
I love myself and I love life.
It feels great to have come this far.
:)
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