Most of you wont know me, i don't know most of you. && I'm sorry I haven't been very active since i came out of IP months ago...
Pretty much i'm back at the stage as i was before... but intake wise, prolly worse i guess.. i'm still purging but without the blood tests as i used to get. I'm feel terrible in myself, i feel ok physically most of the time, i just feel horrible, repulsive, self hatred. I don't know how to deal with it.
My therapist knows my intakes been messed up since i came bac from holiday middle of august, but she wants me to get up to.. well it's not even the level that she wanted before, and tbh i know that was under the RDA for a woman.. but i can't even get up to her new calorific level, christ, no where near, and it kills me that.. not only i don't want to cause i'm terrified.. but i honestlty don't think i even CAN, my range of foods is so limited, i'm terrified of simple food groups, most food groups. We're not even trying to gain weight even more, just not go into a free fall downward.
It's disgusting.. but i actually WANT to, i want to lose this weight that i've platued at.
I guess as i'm older.. everyone has backed away because i guess it's my responsibility now.. i dunno... i'm at a loss.
I just feel really uncomfortable in my skin, ok that's a understatement.. i hate it.. i've taken on so much this year with my education, driving lessons and now signed up to volunteer for the british red cross.. i know it's an avoidance thing.. but it's easier ii suppose... i'm also drinking almost nightly, cause it takes the edge of my feelings, thoughts, terrible.. but when i meet my boyfriend.. i need a drink.. i just can't stand the thoughts that creep in.
like when he hugs me, i can't help thinking about how fat he must think i am. it must make me an arse to be around..i don't know if i'm asking for anything but understanding..
Chels darling <3 *holds*
I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you if you need someone, & I can relate to alot of what you're saying/feeling right now hun.
Chesley! I'm glad to see you back, although very sorry you're not doing too good. I don't know what to say to most of your post but I totally relate to how you feel around your boyfriend, I must have drove my ex crazy always saying how fat I was but that's how I felt. I'm sure your bf doesn't think your fat at all though.
I'm sorry you're struggling, sweetie. *hugs*
Could you maybe discuss all this with your therapist if you haven't already and see what s/he suggests? Maybe make a meal plan or something?
I'm always here if you ever wanna talk. xo.
Chels sweetie you know you can contact me right. You still got my number?
It sounds like you are in a real bad place hun. I think of you of lot. I wish i could give you the answer. Its kinda hard that i've found recovery - to see you struggle you know? I want you yo be well as well.
Do you know why is it you still want to loose weight?
Do you know what the food fears are about? is it just calories or soemthign else?
I really worry about you falling to the drink. its a siplery slope. If you want to know about my expereince regards then then your welcome to PM me im not gona broadcast it here!
When you say 'fat' what do you mean..what does the word 'fat' mean to you?
xxx
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
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I can only echo what the other lovelies have said Chels...please try and look after yourself <3 how would you feel about going back IP?
I'm only ever a PM/FB message away sweetheart.
Love you xxx lisa
