Flashbacks * contain sexual abuse*

[activebrain]

Hi I'm new to the Forum and hope that this can be a good outlet for me and support. I am dealing with so much and so frustrated because of everything that's going on. I was sexually abused by my father for 30 years and I blocked it out for that entire time. To make it worse, he sold me to other men as well who also raped me. He also managed to find ways to mind control me and is the cause of my eating disorder. To make things worse I am seeing some of these people around town. Thankfully I do not see my father because he is in another city in a nursing home. I keep having flashbacks though which does not make any of this easier. Of course it's the flashbacks that clued me into all of this because I was completely unaware of it the entire time. Not really sure what I'm wanting from this except support I guess. Oh and he's also the cause of my years of self-harm and suicide attempts. Literally. He actually told me to self harm and to attempt suicide. Well forget attempting he wanted me to kill myself. He also even told me specific ways to do it. So I'm just dealing with 30 years of abuse in a 1 and 1/2 year time frame. And I'm really not wanting to live with all of this pain from the trauma.

[activebrain]

And if anyone can sympathize with this or emphasize I would really appreciate a reply so I can see if this forum thing is even for me. My support system doesn't know how to deal with these type of issues. My friends are wonderful and they haven't gone through it so they don't know what it's like and can only try to be as loving as possible. I really need support because it just doesn't feel like it's worth it anymore. No this is not a suicide note it's just a lot of frustration and depression and feeling worthless

[activebrain]

And even though no one has ever responded to my previous posts about this I am still going to continue about my flashbacks because I just had a doozy of one. Earlier today i was dancing to some 80s and 90s music and it was really triggering and I couldn't figure out why. When I finish, I sat down to pray and started having an awful memory that entailed being raped and screaming and knowing that my mom could hear me and was doing nothing about it. Then later on tonight I was afraid to go to bed because I just had this feeling that something awful was going to happen. When I finally tried to go to sleep, I ended up having three flashbacks and it had to do with this memory. When I was fifteen, my father had several men rape me and instead of dissociating as I normally did whenever I got raped oh, I was fully conscious and was screaming my head off. I was screaming so loudly that they decided to turn on a radio to try to out drown me. The radio was playing 80s and 90s music. Now I understand why that music has been triggering for me for so long. Even now, I'm afraid to go back to bed even though my head is splitting and I'm really tired. I really hope someone response to my post.

[tamobhuuta]

Hi. I don't have any experience of abuse or flashbacks, but I did read and I do care.

[Pi.R^2]

So sorry that you didn’t get any replies to this initially. Like the poster above this isn’t something I have experience with, but I hope you might find this thread useful: http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ad.php?t=77244

You mentioned that your support system (professional help?) does not know how to deal with this- are there any services specific to trauma in your area that you could be referred to?

[Amaranth]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I used to suffer pretty badly with flashbacks. It only really started to get better once I was receiving professional help - would you consider seeing someone professionally? It can be really hard at first, but it was definitely worth it.