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Old 27-09-2014, 01:02 AM   #1
Too Shy
 
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Coping at home after inpatient

I was discharged from inpatient last Friday, after 5 months and 9 days there.

It's lovely being at home, it's so much more relaxed and I love being able to see my friends and family, go out and do more things, I'm back at training again and I've started back at uni again (although I don't have the motivation to have actually started any work yet).

But I am slipping with the anorexia already. I wasn't in a great state of mind before I was discharged anyway - I took a (minor) overdose at the beginning of September, and last Wednesday I was put on a 5(4) hold and restrained because I wanted to overdose so much and I tried to run. So things have not been great in my head.

I am doing ok-ish with eating - my weight has gone down very slightly since being discharged although I am still supposed to be on a weight gain meal plan until I get to my target. But I can't do it, I really, really can't do it. I don't want to gain more weight. My weight is ok now, it's just that they want me to get to a certain BMI. I am struggling with the numbers so much though, I am obsessing about whether it's going up or down, I'm so obsessed with the calories in everything, with trying to reduce the calories in meals, reducing the amounts of certain food groups, missing snacks. I'm struggling so much with actually cooking anything, I have so, so much guilt if I feel like I've eaten too much and not 'justified' it through exercise. I had to take Diazepam last night because I just wanted to die, I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I wish so much that I could just stop eating completely. Just nothing, nothing at all. I don't want to fight it, I don't want to deal with food anymore, I don't want to think about food. I just want to stop.

I have got a good community team, and they are going to give me a lot of support - an appointment with my SEDCAS worker once a week, care co-ordinator every 1-2 weeks, and SEDCAS support worker coming to my house once a week. So I am very lucky to have that support, I know. But I just want to give up, I'm not ready to do this and I'm so frightened and unhappy. But I don't want to end up in hospital again, I'm so scared of that, I was there for 5 months and it's too long, I need to be at uni and training again.

I'm really sorry this is so long, but any advice or support would be much appreciated.










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Old 27-09-2014, 08:03 AM   #2
LittleCloud
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*hugs* Liv- please don't give up now- you've come so far. Can you talk to your drop in support about how hard things are or say to your dad?
You've worked so hard- you truly deserve to be free of this <3



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 27-09-2014, 09:42 AM   #3
Pi.R^2
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I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment, and really hope things get easier soon.

Do you think it would help to be cooked for sometimes, so that you don't have to prepare the food and hence spend less time dealing with food? I know I find food easier when it's not me preparing it and then eating is less of a debacle when I'm with other people (even better if it's with non-eating disordered people, so It's like they're setting a good example with eating a reasonable amount and not bring obsessive about it). Conversely, cooking for others might help too, as it's not like you're going to the trouble of preparing a whole meal just for you, and again you get to share the mealtime with people with a healthy relationship with food. Sorry I've rambled massively there, but if you think that might help, you could arrange some dinner dates with friends, and I'm sure they'd be happy to help, and make sure that they cooked things that complied with your meal plan.

Keep fighting; you're doing fantastically!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 27-09-2014, 11:10 AM   #4
Too Shy
 
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Thank-you both, I really appreciate it.

I'm not very good at opening up to my dad about everything, but I will try and be honest with my community team.

I think that would be a good idea, if someone could cook for me sometimes. I live with my dad (and my brother when he isn't at his girlfriend's), although he doesn't really tend to cook, I have done pretty much all of the cooking since my mum died. When he is home I do cook for both of us, although nothing very challenging at the moment. But he'd be happy to do some if I did ask him to when I am struggling. I do struggle with the idea of it, the fear that too much oil will be used or too much unhealthy food, etc. But it would mean I don't have to be constantly worrying about preparing my meals, and I have a recipe book that my dietician in hospital said is really good, so I will see if he could do something from that. My friends are lovely too, so that sounds like a worthwhile plan too. Thank you.

I could try to follow a recipe book too actually. I've been sticking to really, really safe meals, but with a recipe I guess the right amounts are given to you so maybe it would reduce that anxiety a little bit.










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Old 27-09-2014, 02:45 PM   #5
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I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now, this sounds like such an intense battle I can understand why you'd be tired of it. I hope it eases for you soon, I'm sorry I don't have any advice I just really wanted you to know I read and I care. You are a wonderful person. It would be a shame to lose you to this. I hope you can be honest with your team about your thoughts and feelings so they can give you the best help.

Much love xx

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Old 27-09-2014, 05:20 PM   #6
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Thinking of you <3



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 28-09-2014, 03:11 PM   #7
Too Shy
 
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Thank-you all. It really does help to get some support on here.

A weekly plan for dinners sounds like a helpful plan. We used to do meal plans before going on leave, but since discharge I have just done one with my support worker from Friday until today, although I haven't managed very well with it. My dad's out quite a bit at the moment, but he could cook sometimes hopefully.

I'm going to see if on uni days I can manage to have my main meal with one of my friends there because my dad's out on one of my uni days and I really struggle with eating enough when I get home from uni, so if I can manage that I'll just have to do my light meal and night snack after uni on my own.

I am really, really, really struggling at the moment with sticking to everything, but I am managing to maintain my weight at least. I'm seeing my SEDCAS worker tomorrow morning and my support worker is coming round to have afternoon snack with me tomorrow, so I will try to talk more to them then.










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Old 28-09-2014, 03:28 PM   #8
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It sounds like you are really trying to do all of the right things, which is really positive.

Perhaps it would help to have reminders on your phone to help prompt you to have your meals and snacks. It may also be worth starting a reward system, so that when you've had a successful meal you get a reward, so that at least you are feeling you are getting something positive out of it. Even if it's just a simple sticker chart, and then once you've got so many stickers you get to do something nice.

Keep fighting and reach out for support when you need it <3



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 29-09-2014, 01:11 PM   #9
LittleCloud
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I agree with Ames, Liv. You are still trying really hard. It sounds like such a good idea to split the cooking and eat your main meal with friends when your dad isn't home. It's good that you're managing to maintain your weight. Would using an app like Recovery Record help- you can record your snacks and it provides supportive quotes. Keep going Liv, you're such an inspiration <3



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 29-09-2014, 03:41 PM   #10
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Sorry I'm low on words but I hope talking to your team helps. Baby steps x

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