Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 22-12-2020, 03:17 AM   #1
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London
Might potentially be just a little unwell *potential minor breakthrough in post 42*

Many apologies if I delete this in like four and a half seconds or sth.

I might be struggling just a little bit right now.
All of mentalz are just taking turns escalating and feeding into each other.
My bpd is escalating to a worrying extend, I cycle through moods faster than I can blink, often barely able to identify an emotion before it shifts again. The switch between suicidal and furious is particularly spectacular.
This is not a good combination for me.
This constant internal pressure (idk if that is a helpful word for anyone who doesn't have bpd, but I am sure those who do get what I mean) is genuinely unbearable. I am currently sort of managing by doing the little semi destructive things (ignoring responsibilities, procrastinating, restricting, binging, purging, sleeping too much or too little yadda yadda). But I think this can easily lead up to a Big Stupid self-destructive thing. Like, I'm not likely gonna die or something, but there is a risk of me genuinely fucking up everything I came here for. Impulse control is close to zero atm, I am having constant bpd meltdowns and my stupid fucking brain is triggered by pretty much everything.

Honestly, I don't even believe anyone can help me, because there is so many things I know would improve my depression and anxiety and I am just not doing them. But if you still have suggestions my question is basically, how to deal with intense emotions/cycling through them at warp speed and where the fuck can I buy some impulse control??? Please don't suggest mindfulness.
If you don't know any suggestions that is super fair & I also get off on attention and love, so you could do some of that.

I just don't want to die (like, I do, but y'know) or get myself into a situation where I will want to die even more.


Last edited by Unbreakable. : 01-01-2021 at 04:35 AM.


:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 03:28 AM   #2
Darkwings44
*super hugs you all*
 
Darkwings44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: texas
I am currently:

you can get through this i know you can!!!!!! *hugs you*
<3



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

Darkwings44 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 05:03 AM   #3
Cacoethes
ˇViva la Revolución!
 
Cacoethes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hyrule
I am currently:

Oh my dear Lana I'm sorry you're hurting so much <3
I wish I had something useful to say but I don't so I'm just here leaving loads of love and hugs



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


Cacoethes is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 06:01 AM   #4
Elmer
Patchwork Elephant.
 
Elmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
I am currently:

Sending so much love Lana. I really relate to the mood swings and impulsivity rn. It's fucking debilitating.

All I can suggest re the impulses (from someone also sitting in the middle of it) is to put them off for five minutes at a time. It is unbearable and painful and distressing and you might manage the whole five, then you can try for another five until the urge is easier, or you might manage one minute, or two, or three and a half (none of those options equal failure btw). Sometimes it helps me.

Also, when you are able to, be kind to yourself. I know that's really hard for you but the tiniest things you can do for yourself really really add up. Brush your hair if you enjoy that or watch 10/20 minutes of a favourite film.

As I said, am also sitting in it and if anyone has some magic remedy please step forward!

Sending more love. You're amazing (nothing you say will convince me otherwise) and you deserve it.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


Elmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 07:33 AM   #5
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

Sending you so, so much love. You don't deserve to be hurting so much.
I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say, I just wanted you to know that I love you and i'm thinking of you xx

[Luna] is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 12:40 PM   #6
Bellatrix
Voldemort's Bitch
 
Bellatrix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London
I am currently:

Love you xx
Let's see each other when we can




Imperfection is underrated.



Bellatrix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 08:00 PM   #7
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London

Thank you everyone for replying <3

Lio:
sitting out little impulses just builds towards big impulses though?
Like, I get it and I totally get especially why sitting with it would be suggested to someone with bpd and at times that has worked for me.
But right now it's literally "okay bitch, if you don't do *this* stupid thing you'll probably try to kill yourself instead" so I just do the stupid thing anyway so I don't die. a lot of the time I let it build up anyway by not giving in?

I think the problem is that waiting for it to pass (which it always sort of does, upside of mood cycles) doesn't make it go away as such.
Like, okay, maybe after x minutes I am not annoyed at person y because of event z anymore, but that doesn't shift the amount of anger I am holding or have how much I want to die??? It is probably misplaced anger in the first place so not being upset about it anymore it good, but doesn't take off any of the pressure.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, but that's the best I can do.

Zurg:
Doing nice things for myself has never ever not one single time helped me in my life though in the long run???
People keep telling me that, but there is not a single example where other than feeling better for two and a half minutes doing something nice for myself has helped. And all that happens is that for that time i might be freaking out a little less, but the thing i am freaking out over is still happening anyway and often has longterm consequences that make me more unwell?
Sorry if that comes across as bitchy, it's just frustrating that people won't understand that and I keep having the same conversation and I don't need five minute breaks of feeling better i need the ability to do the things that will allow me not to need those breaks because i am not actively fucking up my life and in theory i know all the things that would help but irl i am just not doing them and i couldnt even tell you why???



:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 08:29 PM   #8
The Worst Witch
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Scotland
I am currently:

What things do you feel like you’re fucking up? I’m wondering if explaining them will help with the ‘actively doing the things I need to’ bit.

The Worst Witch is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 08:45 PM   #9
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London

Alison, you sort of tripped up my bpd brain and made me laugh by being pragmatic and asking a concrete question.
I'll do a proper reply later or tomorrow, but thank you, I at least feel like you're getting what I am saying.



:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 08:53 PM   #10
Auror.
Aurors for the win.
 
Auror.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Godric's Hollow

Also what things do you actively need to be doing? What all is on your plate right now?

adding: We have some winter solstice jpgs of my dog if you would like us to pm those to you if that would help?


Last edited by Auror. : 22-12-2020 at 10:45 PM. Reason: added


Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.


You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


Auror. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 10:09 PM   #11
The Worst Witch
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Scotland
I am currently:

Sometimes for me, self-help stuff doesn’t help (like sitting with feelings) because things still need sorted out/done. I was wondering if some of the things I do to do that would be helpful, once you write out a ‘proper’ reply.

PS - I’m glad I made you laugh :)

The Worst Witch is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 22-12-2020, 10:33 PM   #12
Darkwings44
*super hugs you all*
 
Darkwings44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: texas
I am currently:

*super hugs you and comforts you*



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

Darkwings44 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 04:57 AM   #13
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London

Camden- yes, I would very much love to see those Jpegs!!!!
If anyone else wants to sent some pet themed things to my inbox to cheer me up feel free to do so!

Jodie- yes, let's definitely meet as soon as we can! I guess it'll be a while though as I am expecting us to go back in national lockdown after the holidays tbh.

Also- I want to apologize for being so frustrated and annoyed with people's suggestions. I think those are good ideas that sometimes work for me and that would be reasonable to do if things were slightly different and I think really I just didn't realize that I didn't even want/need advice on calming down rather than on actively sorting my sh*t out until after reading replies and getting asked about stuff.
I really appreciate anyone who makes suggestions, sends love, hugs the thread etc, all of that does help.

I am struggling a little with coming up with a proper list of things that need getting done/changing because it is so much and a lot of it is small everyday stuff, so I am going to try and focus on the biggest and more time sensitive things I guess?

The big things are probably:

- seeing if I can re-apply for Student Finance, they closed my application because I took to look to sort things out etc.
If this one falls through I am really, really fucking screwed tbh.
The problem with this one is that it is a long and complicated process and every time I sort out one thing there is another thing they want me to sort out and I get frustrated and sort of 'bored' with it. There is also an element of anxiety, because sometimes I don't understand things and phone calls are near impossible for me to deal with and in my experience they aren't even helpful for sorting things out.
And if I understood it correctly I need to get a National Insurance Number anyway to apply and it is absolutely impossible atm to get one because of Covid and I tried calling more than once and you can't get through to them but there seems to be no other way to contact them as an alternative to phoning them.
I am already living off my credit card, and my limit will cover the next payment for halls and tuition, but if I can't sort out student finance there's a chance I won't be able to make the final payment in April.

- I need to sort out a job bc I need money to live off, but that is really scary because most likely I would have to get a customer oriented job and with the pandemic and the English being the absolute fucking worst at wearing masks and keeping their distance I am genuinely terrified by the very thought of that. I am not really qualified for anything really and of course the job market is pretty much f*cked here anyway.

- There is life admin stuff from back in Germany that I need to sort out, I still haven't formally cancelled my health insurance, which means they will potentially charge me for a few months even if I do let them know I left because I am probably not able to backdate things. Usually, it is covered automatically because they take a certain percentage out of your paycheck, but it is different when that isn't the case.
So, yeah, the longer I wait the higher the potential bill, but the sooner I let them know the sooner I get the bill.

- I have to chase up my former landlady to give me back my deposit, because that would cover food for two or three months I guess

- I have to officially end my contract with my electricity and gas supplier in Germany for the sake of formality, and also tell them to transfer the money I overpaid last year which isn't a lot, but still good money.

- I urgently need to at least get started on uni assignments, I have been off classes for ages by now and deadlines are getting close ish and I am just not doing it???

I realize this is already a lot, and it is still just some of the things that need sorting and just the big things. Some of it comes down to anxiety and/or depression,, but really, it is just like my brain is actively refusing to do any of it for whatever reason. I have the time, and sometimes even energy and nerve to do those things. But everytime I want to sit down and do it my brain goes "how about no" and I am getting so tired of constantly having to argue with myself (and I am sure anyone who has ever argued with me understands).
Sometimes I think I lack focus because of my mental health, but really, if I care enough about something I can stay on a task for effing ages and it doesn't bother me. But as soon as I am not super interested into a task my brain gets what I can only describe as 'bored' and it feels physically and mentally impossible to do it even when I actually want to. I want to be a responsible human being capable of sorting my shit out. I really do. I just don't know how.

Of all the other, smaller and mundane things the most urgent one is doing laundry. I don't remember when I last wore underpants tbh bc I've done laundry like once since I moved into halls.
I am so embarrassed that I can't be a normal human being and that even without the depression and anxiety I seem to be unable to make myself do normal, really not so hard things.

sorry for the length of the post, it might sound like fake news, but I genuinely tried keeping it as short as possible :S



:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 04:58 AM   #14
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London

omg
it looks even so much longer now that i posted it

I am really really sorry for rambling



:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 05:06 AM   #15
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London

And I know from experience that sorting out things is the easiest and quickest way to reduce/resolve my mental health bullshit and I just don't know how to get to that point before my life literally depends on it
and that makes me feel so pathetic and broken and embarrassed

and maybe it isn't believable when I say this because I rambled so much about it, but it is really, really hard to actually say those things and admit them because I don't have a reason for not having done any of it



:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 05:10 AM   #16
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London

and I am sorry for being this way because I know I should be better than this and that it's my own fault



:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 10:22 AM   #17
Elmer
Patchwork Elephant.
 
Elmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
I am currently:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unbreakable. View Post
I realize this is already a lot, and it is still just some of the things that need sorting and just the big things. Some of it comes down to anxiety and/or depression,, but really, it is just like my brain is actively refusing to do any of it for whatever reason. I have the time, and sometimes even energy and nerve to do those things. But everytime I want to sit down and do it my brain goes "how about no" and I am getting so tired of constantly having to argue with myself (and I am sure anyone who has ever argued with me understands).
Sometimes I think I lack focus because of my mental health, but really, if I care enough about something I can stay on a task for effing ages and it doesn't bother me. But as soon as I am not super interested into a task my brain gets what I can only describe as 'bored' and it feels physically and mentally impossible to do it even when I actually want to. I want to be a responsible human being capable of sorting my shit out. I really do. I just don't know how.
100% relate. No useful/constructive suggestions other than is there any way you can plan to do one thing a day at a certain time and write it down and set an alarm? Doesn't always work for me but does sometimes.

Gonna send more love in lieu of helpfulness <3 <3



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


Elmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 04:38 PM   #18
The Worst Witch
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Scotland
I am currently:

Lana, can I pm you a reply to this? I have suggestions but some of them will reveal where I am in the country (like specific city) and I’m not comfortable sharing that on public boards x

The Worst Witch is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 05:13 PM   #19
Unbreakable.
Lana.
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: London

Lio- I'm afraid that doesn't work for me. Sorry.

Alison - most definitely feel free to PM me. I'm grateful for all and any advice. Thank you so much!



:skull emoji:



"... but me? Me? I am a thousand years old, you can't kill me!"


Unbreakable. is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 24-12-2020, 05:21 PM   #20
Elmer
Patchwork Elephant.
 
Elmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
I am currently:

Don't apologise, was a long shot and only sometimes works for me! Just wanted to say *something*



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


Elmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is OFF
Forum Jump


Sea Pink Aroma
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:32 AM.